The weird continues. Now that I'm COMPLETELY done, and ready to move on...
W told me the guy I suspected of her having an EA with is going to come help her move, although it's him, his brother, sister, and a couple of other friends. W is friends with his sister. She has continued to be in very minor contact with him - although my suspicions were raised, it would be an odd affair to barely speak to someone, and never see in person. She has sworn to me and to her closest friends that he is just a friend. She said she has never discussed dating, never considered a romance, never touched him. I think she's just taking advantage of him maybe having a little crush on her, and using him.
So, I told her I thought it was inappropriate; even if there is absolutely nothing going on between them, and when there are very close male friends that she didn't ask, it looks suspicious. I left it at that; my "accountability" friend said if she had someone waiting then she would be running for divorce not thinking about dismissing it, and asking me to come over, etc. He thinks that it's a bit of a "test" to see if I act stupid.
I had to drive right by W's new place yesterday so I told her I'd drop the package off she got in the mail (see above). When I got there, she was there, and asked me to come in. I took her stuff in, and she hugged me and was joking around with me.
While I'm at her apartment, she joked that since the closet was way smaller, she'd only be able to give me like one foot if we "figured things out and moved in together again". She said that D10 and D13 could share a room, even commented that the one room had two closets, but joked that might be more drama than we'd want. She then kinda caught herself and was like "Well, I'm getting way ahead of myself."
She told me she loved me and said, "Hey, can I take until Friday since we've been talking and spending a lot of time together? I really want to think things over and I want to do it with a clear head." The step-kids begged to stay with me, so I let them.
I'm sure she's excited to not be sharing a house anymore - it was cramped and loud and annoying, so she'll actually get to think.
But still, sometimes, you just want to be done just so you're not confused.
Oh, and the next 3 weeks should have a bonus side effect. W has relied almost completely on the family she's been staying with to go out and get away from the kids, go out with friends, etc.
Now she's on her own, and she'll have the kids 24/7 unless she pays a babysitter which she can't really afford, especially once the bills hit. Also, she won't be able to stay out all hours now too. Interesting times ahead!
Today is day 2 of the "thinking week", and me being dark. After the necessary exchange yesterday, I was completely dark. W has been very huggy, talked about us being together, said she wants to make sure she is doing the right thing. I kept my step-kids last night until S5 wanted to go home (W got him a new Marvel superheros bed), so I took him back. I walked in, set his stuff down, said "bye", and walked out.
This morning she texted me several times, then called me like 9 times in a row - I was at our local outdoor market and didn't hear my phone - so she ranted and raved about me being available. I checked when I got back to my car, and calmly called her and said my phone was on vibrate in my pocket, and I couldn't hear it, and what did she need? I dropped off D10, and handed W some stuff S5 forgot, and told her D10 has leftovers. I then got back in my car, and left. As I was pulling away, she asked, "What's wrong with you?" I didn't bother to respond; it's funny how they want time and space, but then when you're all business, something must be wrong.
It feels good to be dark. Unfortunately, it allows me to reflect on the true nature of how things are, and makes me more and more angry. Just gotta pray and let it go.
Well, sometimes you're just a gullible idiot. W said the EA guy was just gonna help her move. D10 texted me to ask if they could they go to the fair with us. I told her I didn't think so because W had asked for some time alone, so maybe next weekend.
I felt bad so I called D10 on her cell phone, and just asked her, "Hey, what's up?". She said she was playing with "L". I asked her who it was, and she said it was EA's daughter . So, I asked her if W was watching them, and she said W was in the other room with EA. Then all of a sudden, D10 said she had to "go now".
I admit I backslid a little and told W I had been defending her and telling everyone that she would NEVER do anything like that, and that she could forget talking Friday, and EA could have her, and I'd see her in court.
I can't stand lying, especially after I had offered W to be done last week. I'm so disgusted with myself for honoring her, and believing in her.
So my accountability friend yelled at me, and told me to quit assuming stuff. W said this guy wasn't her type before, that's why they could be friends.
I apologized to W and explained that I has just heard D10 say you two were in your bedroom. W said "dude" was putting together some piece of furniture, door was never closed, she was working on something else. I still think she is just taking advantage by saying he's a friend, even though she knows he has a little crush on her. Not very nice if you ask me.
She was pretty angry about the accusation, but accepted apology, and said she was very tired and asked me to call her tomorrow. She did say our Friday decision was still on, but I had to quit presuming. So I did about 36 hours dark! And our communication over this spanned about 10-15 minutes so not bad. Now I'm back to dark. I probably won't even call W tomorrow, maybe drop a text to let her know I'm really busy so can't call, which is gonna be true.
Bkeah, hate rollercoaster.
New goal too: no mentioning dude again, unless I find out proof of affair. W even told me that she would be willing to cut off contact with him if we reconciled, so I need to be the better choice even if it is platonic. If I freak out, just gonna push her away...
A couple of texts with W about taking step-kids to fair because D10 texted me. She said they could go before, but must still be a little miffed because she said, "No thanks, I'll take them later on in the week".
So, I just dropped it, and have been dark again. Four days to go before I can either put this all behind me, or have a chance at reconciliation. Is it odd that I would FAR prefer to put it behind me at this point?
Well, I feel like I'm talking to myself, but it feels good to journal!
Yesterday was probably my most painful day yet - and it wasn't even about W. Last year I took S5 to the fair, and I was there yesterday, and missed him so bad I thought my heart would break.
This going dark has been especially hard because W was so positive and flirty and hugged me and talked about us getting together - then spent the next day, first day I went dark, with the suspected EA and his family. Again, maybe W is so blind right now she thinks it's OK to have a single guy come and bring his D and hang with her, and she believes he'll have no expectations on her.
Then the second day, I missed the step-kids so bad, I thought I was gonna die.
But today, I feel good - it seems like once I get through the first 24 hours of going dark, the detachment starts to click back in, and I'm able to step back a little. Apparently she's still thinking/praying about things, so I'm going to deal with what I know. I had gotten to a good place of being ready to let her go and sign divorce, and by Friday, I should be pretty good again. I'm actually not even going to call her on Friday. If she wants to talk, she can call me. And if she doesn't, well, I guess we'll meet in court.
Hi Jon, Well, I have been reading your sitch as I'm sure others have. Wow, you sure have a strange sitch going is all I can say. Or, maybe it isnt all thats strange, who knows anymore. My sitch is simple, we are both dark on each other with now hardly any contact. But, I will say, i feel better with the lesser contact. Maybe it's something you sitch is calling for from you.....
I don't have a lot of faith that your W is going to want to turn things around by Friday, looking at your timeline I just don't see your W making a commitment to work on things this soon.
That deal with having a guy in her bedroom sounds really suspicious, even if nothing happened that doesn't sound like the behavior of a married woman who is considering reconciling with her H.
Sorry JonF, I am holding back because I tend to get negative.
I see no signs of her wanting to "really" make the marriage work. Apparently she just signed a lease for an apartment, and she's having another male help her with stuff.
I still maintain she's trying to keep all doors open because it benefits her until she can make up her mind once and for all.
In some ways, it sounds like my sitch from two years ago. What I know now is that my W had a one time physical encounter, and for some reason I still don't know, it didn't go any longer, but they maintained a close relationship for many more months, until she finally saw that I was finally done and wanting to end the marriage. Once I finally went dark and she knew I was done, she made her mind up to come back.
Me: 43 W: 37 Together: 18 M: 15 D: 8 yrs old ILYBNILWY: March 2011 She Filed for D: August 2011 She moved out: Sept 1, 2011 Reconciled: May 2012 Divorce Case dropped: July 2012
