Hello! 20 year marriage teetering... (part V)

[chl0901]

Hi AS, glad you're feeling okay right now and you are so strong in the midst of everything. You are a good person for continuing to be there for your W with her health issues in the middle of a D! I hope you have a great weekend!

[JayMan]

I appreciate your perspective. When my divorce was finalized with my first XW, the next two years were the best of my life, bar none.

I know that probably stinks to hear, and you probably can't imagine it, but that's what I hold onto going through this a SECOND time.

[AnotherStander]

Had a great weekend with S10. Unfortunately I barely saw D16 because she was either working or shopping or spending the night with her friend. But S10 and I had a lot of "dude time" as he calls it He's been wanting his own motorcycle helmet for a long time because my spare fits too loose on him, we finally went and got him one and does he ever love it! Of course we had to go for some rides so he could try it out We also went and watched Riddick, he and I are both big fans of Pitch Black and Chronicles of Riddick so we've really been looking forward to this movie and we loved it! We also played some video games, and somehow I let him talk me into helping him make a cosplay outfit. We spent hours working on it over the weekend (and nearly 200 bucks in materials!!) but I don't think I've ever seen him so excited over anything. Even though it's not complete he had to put it on no less than 10 times over the weekend, just had to keep trying it on

When it came time for W to pick him up he told me he doesn't like being with mom and didn't want to go. He also told me over the weekend that she is yelling at him "all the time" and that he asks her when she's coming home (moving back in with me) and she "just changes the subject". I didn't try to explain away W's actions, I just validated him (told him it sounded frustrating and I understood why he feels that way). To cap it off W didn't show up to pick him up until 10:30 pm last night when our handoffs are supposed to be early afternoon.

I think I've mentioned before that S10 and D16 come to my house after school on the weeks W has the kids. Initially W made an effort to pick them up by 6:00. Now she rarely makes it before 7 and sometimes it's after 8. Their bed time is 10, so she's clearly not spending much quality time with them. I doubt she does much more than feed them and get them to bed. This is so unlike the loving mother I once knew who was 100% devoted to her kids.

D16 texted me today from school today and was VERY excited about getting a 98 on a big essay project I helped her with last week. She just kept thanking me for helping her, it really touched my heart I assured her that the content was all her doing and that all I did was to help with some wordsmithing.

When I was eating lunch today I was reflecting on the above experiences with the kids and how great it made me feel Then I remembered what W posted to her friend on FB:

"I met a man that treats me like a princess and he treats my children well. He does things with them that I always envisioned a father doing with his children."

Apparently W doesn't envision a father helping his children with homework, taking them shopping, helping them with costumes, taking them for motorcycle rides and out to movies, etc. OM has taken them to a few baseball games and has taken S10 to a golf range a few times. What a hero father figure!! The above stuff I posted between me and my kids is nothing new, I have ALWAYS been very involved in my kids' lives. I am the one they go to with homework questions or when needing help with projects, always have been. W's comment doesn't make me mad, but it is frustrating that she's so deep in the fog that OM can do a few superficial things and in her eyes that trumps the nearly two decades of loving fatherhood that I've happily devoted to our kids.

Well said, AS!!! I guess you could say we've become "vets" now, huh? Not experts, not masters of the future, but experienced and survivors of what will be one of the most difficult experiences of our lives.

Exactly, and I think that's all anyone here could hope to claim, you can't really be an expert or master when it comes to reading the emotions of a WAS. Surviving is the name of the game, LOL!

A friend's H has TBI & is basically an invalid at age 40; my SIL just had a double masectomy; my mom's best friend passed away unexpectantly at age 60 and most sadly and closely to me, my MIL died from ovarian cancer last Aug at age 66.

Ironically it's the shortness of life that helped me to realize that hanging onto W is pointless. I mean after all, either one of us could die any minute anyway. It is inevitable that the M will end either in divorce or death. Sure I'd prefer it end in death-by-old-age, LOL! But it's out of my control.

Sorry to hear about your pending D, but I know you are going to be more than fine, AS!

Thank you

Hi AS, glad you're feeling okay right now and you are so strong in the midst of everything. You are a good person for continuing to be there for your W with her health issues in the middle of a D!

Thanks! I do have to say though, I've pulled back since W started back in with the D again. It seems pretty clear she doesn't want my help even in the midst of cancer treatments. So I'm no longer reaching out to her. If she is pushing forward with D in the middle of radiation treatments, then clearly she's done, done, done. So I'm back to giving her time and space.

When my divorce was finalized with my first XW, the next two years were the best of my life, bar none.

Well cheers to that, here's hoping for great times ahead even after D

[JuneReN]

AS, what a great weekend with S10 :))))

My kids want to go to Comic con, so I wonder if I will end up mired in Manga with D14

I kind of understand where your wife might be coming from. You said that the whole not picking kids up/no quality time is such a change for her. I spent the past 17 years as primary caregiver for sure, while H worked ad commuted. This past couple of months, i spent way less time with the kids than ever before. A little different, because at 14 and 17 they are capable of being alone, even overnight if necessary.

But I was finally putting myself first and I think if I had someone (if H had some custody at all) I would feel that I could let go even more.

This is not to say that I have continued my wild ways lol, now that things get busy, but only I understand how seductive it is to think only of one's self. Eventually though, I missed the company of my kids more than I craved the "me" time

[AnotherStander]

My kids want to go to Comic con, so I wonder if I will end up mired in Manga with D14

I wouldn't be surprised, D18 was hooked after her first visit years ago! She's been dressing up ever since, and most recently she's now doing a Saturday outfit and a different Sunday outfit, and they keep getting more elaborate! She goes with her bestie and they usually coordinate their outfits, it's really cute. It was her fascination with it that got S10 interested.

I kind of understand where your wife might be coming from.

That does make sense, and I've read similar thoughts expressed regarding menopause (W started perimenopause back around BD over a year ago)- that women who have spent a lot of their energy raising children suddenly want to focus on themselves and may even become perpetually annoyed at having to do anything with the kids. My W is OK with the girls because they're older and she shares their love for shopping, getting nails done, etc. But I've noticed she is increasingly less and less tolerant of S10. Bless his heart, he's the sweetest boy in the world, but he is ADHD and it's a real test of patience sometimes. As I get older I've become much more patient, but W seems to be going the other way.

Eventually though, I missed the company of my kids more than I craved the "me" time

I hear that does happen fairly often, but ironically there's not a lot of time left for W to get there. D16 is less than 2 years from starting college. S is quite a ways out, but the family dynamic changed so much when D18 left for school and will change again when D16 leaves. I miss the hustle and bustle of keeping up with 3 kids more than I miss W!

[HopefulStill]

AS,
Sorry to hear the state of your situation. In my wife's EA, she would make comments about what a great father the OM was to his kids, and the two would spend a lot of time talking on the phone about being proud parents etc.. Funny thing is, when I finally contacted his wife, one of her chief complaints was that he wasn't being a good father and was hardly home! Interesting how the rose colored glasses of the affair don't let any faults come through to the eyes of the waywards! They show and tell each other exactly what they think the other wants to hear.

I guess I'm trying to say that sooner or later, she will see his faults. Perhaps she will even let herself remember that you were, in fact, a good dad.

You are living your own truth. Your kids will always know the truth. Stay the course, one day this woman may be your wife again....

[JuneReN]

I like living your own truth, it is so subjective

AS-running out of time will be a regret that W will have to deal with down the line. That'll suk, but it won't be your issue.

D14 writes on a popular website where you make up alternate endings or continue stories...very manga and alternative culture based. She kinda rocks.

ADHD is tough, your S sounds like a super cool kid.

Have fun with him

[AnotherStander]

I mentioned in my last update about how W has been showing up really late to pick up S10 at my house (after school) on the weeks she has the kids. I was curious, so kept track of what time she picked him up this past week:

M- 8:15pm T- 7:30pm W- 8:20pm Th- 8:00pm F- 7:45pm

His bedtime is supposed to be 10:00. She had originally committed to picking up up no later than 6:00pm each day. Hmmmm. On Wednesday I had a date at 8:30 and had to call W about 7:30 to ask when she'd be picking S up. She said she wanted to go shopping and run some errands first (well at least she has her priorities established!) I told her I was "meeting someone for dinner" at 8:30 and could she pick him up by 8:00. She agreed to, and didn't press for any details. As posted above she still didn't show up until 8:20 though! I was dressed up when she finally got there, so I'm sure she knew I wasn't going out with the boys!

The date was a flop, the lady was nice enough and attractive but there just wasn't any spark there.

I did also go out with another lady over the weekend, she's someone I've seen a few times over the last several months. There IS a spark there. I don't see it going anywhere at least until the D is underway though.

Had a great weekend capped off by a nice ride with my Harley "gang" yesterday. Morning temps were perfect! We had 7 bikes on this ride. We went to a little home-cooking place a little over an hour away, had a great lunch and took the scenic route back. It was mid-90's by the time we got home and getting a little toasty!

Went to pick up S10 at W's house, talked to her a while before we left. Chatted about her radiation treatments, work, etc. It's the longest convo we've had in a while. I kept trying to leave, but she kept finding new things to say, seemed like she was trying to keep me there. I waited for another break in the convo and told her I needed to head off. Not sure what that was about, maybe she was just bored.

AS,
Sorry to hear the state of your situation. In my wife's EA, she would make comments about what a great father the OM was to his kids, and the two would spend a lot of time talking on the phone about being proud parents etc.. Funny thing is, when I finally contacted his wife, one of her chief complaints was that he wasn't being a good father and was hardly home!

LOL! If "love is blind", WAS love is clueless

I guess I'm trying to say that sooner or later, she will see his faults. Perhaps she will even let herself remember that you were, in fact, a good dad.

I'm sure you're right. Luckily I'm secure enough in my parenting abilities that I'm not hurt by her comments, it just makes me roll my eyes and think "SERIOUSLY???" Haha!

You are living your own truth. Your kids will always know the truth. Stay the course, one day this woman may be your wife again....

Thank you, great stuff there

AS-running out of time will be a regret that W will have to deal with down the line. That'll suk, but it won't be your issue.

I agree. It's ironic that she feels like she has to run to OM because "time is running out", but then if she ever clears the fog and wants her family back the dynamics will have changed a lot because of the time she was away.

D14 writes on a popular website where you make up alternate endings or continue stories...very manga and alternative culture based. She kinda rocks.

She would get along really well with my D18, she does all that too! She and her bestie both. They love writing stories both alone and in groups with others online, and they are always drawing their characters and posting them on sites like deviantART.

ADHD is tough, your S sounds like a super cool kid.

Thanks, he's very sweet, kind and polite. Also very artistic. Likes to build things like dad! He really seems OK at home, when he was evaluated it was the teachers' reports that flagged him as ADHD. The doctors said it's because he gets the focus and attention he needs at home. He can't get that one-on-one attention at school, so he takes medication for it. Takes it in the morning and it's effective while at school, but wears off by the afternoon when he gets home. It does take a lot of patience, but he really is a good kid!

[littleGTO]

AS- Another similarity- my S11 is on meds for ADHD. He is very creative & an awesome, unique boy...I love him for his differences not in spite of them. Anyone who has a child that is full of energy and life is LUCKY!

Am struggling with the whole ideo of dating...my H says to me on Friday at ball game "Hope you aren't considering dating....if you were we'd have to be getting D'ed!" The nerve, I thought!! (Does "hanging out" w cute guy count?? LOL?)

[littleGTO]

AS- Another similarity- my S11 is on meds for ADHD. He is very creative & an awesome, unique boy...I love him for his differences not in spite of them. Anyone who has a child that is full of energy and life is LUCKY!

Am struggling with the whole ideo of dating...my H says to me on Friday at ball game "Hope you aren't considering dating....if you were we'd have to be getting D'ed!" The nerve, I thought!! (Does "hanging out" w cute guy count?? LOL?)