I also wanted to chime in and say how sorry I am for the recent turn of events. BUT, I want you to understand this is all still pretty script like, control what YOU can control.
Half of what they do, and none of what they say!!! Keep giving her the time and space. Its sounds like your doing ok with the interactions, you just need to find a way to get some control over yourself. I know exactly how hard that is to do.
Your still going to make a few mistakes here and there, that's not only common, but expected. So don't be so hard on yourself. Learning to look within ourselves is a tool we were NEVER taught to deal with, so its a crash course, and it feels like life and death sometimes, but its not.
The Gal'n and the PMA, imho, isn't really so much for her, its for you, even when its a façade. I understand how you just don't want to buy in, but over time, the message kicks in. It takes time, it takes practice, and most importantly, it takes LOTS of patience.
I totally agree with Jon, hang in there, don't let the frustrations build up, GET OUT and burn off the frustrations even if its a run around the block. Go to the library, hit the driving range. Learn to play piano or guitar (these are great for when u have an anxiety attack at 3 am.)
Send the b-day card only if you can have no expectations of acknowledgement. STOP wondering about the future, take it day by day, or week by week, depending no how your doing, for now.
I've got an aunt that's been married to the same man six times, 6, im not kidding. We don't know what our futures will bring, even if you wife came back today. So stop worrying about it and live for the day. You can do it.
I also wanted to chime in and say how sorry I am for the recent turn of events. BUT, I want you to understand this is all still pretty script like, control what YOU can control.
Half of what they do, and none of what they say!!! Keep giving her the time and space. Its sounds like your doing ok with the interactions, you just need to find a way to get some control over yourself. I know exactly how hard that is to do.
Your still going to make a few mistakes here and there, that's not only common, but expected. So don't be so hard on yourself. Learning to look within ourselves is a tool we were NEVER taught to deal with, so its a crash course, and it feels like life and death sometimes, but its not.
The Gal'n and the PMA, imho, isn't really so much for her, its for you, even when its a façade. I understand how you just don't want to buy in, but over time, the message kicks in. It takes time, it takes practice, and most importantly, it takes LOTS of patience.
I totally agree with Jon, hang in there, don't let the frustrations build up, GET OUT and burn off the frustrations even if its a run around the block. Go to the library, hit the driving range. Learn to play piano or guitar (these are great for when u have an anxiety attack at 3 am.)
Send the b-day card only if you can have no expectations of acknowledgement. STOP wondering about the future, take it day by day, or week by week, depending no how your doing, for now.
I've got an aunt that's been married to the same man six times, 6, im not kidding. We don't know what our futures will bring, even if you wife came back today. So stop worrying about it and live for the day. You can do it.
My uncle went through a mid-life crisis, had a PA, and ultimately divorced my aunt. However, the divorce shocked him and they spent the next several years rebuilding their relationship. They remarried after 5 years (it seems like an eternity). They still celebrate their original anniversary which was 50 years ago this year.
Since hearing the words she's filed for divorce, I have obviously been upset, but not as devastated as I expected. I think I'm in shock. I am conscious of every breath I take. My perception of everything around me is empty, cold, and without meaning. Nothing I do or have ever done feels like it mattered.
I accept that I am not perfect and that we had some problems, but there was nothing anyone outside of our relationship would have considered anything more than typical. I know this too is script, but I just cannot wrap my head around it. I knew when I proposed she wasn't perfect and while things she did upset me from time to time, I always saw the big picture. Only I never saw any of this coming.
I know nothing is over until it is really over (legally), but how can I ignore what I know about my wife? She has always been stubborn. She makes a decision and sticks with it (unless you count marriage I suppose). I have heard how others talk about their spouse being hot and cold, but she has only been cold and distant for months. My coach says her behavior indicates there are still feelings. I know she was terribly upset when she told me she had filed. But I also know she is terribly unhappy with her life and herself and she is looking to change things. Apparently not about herself unless she thinks she's improving by walking away from our marriage without ever talking about it.
I know there is nothing I can do about her, as hard as that is to accept. I have been working to be a better person and improve my behavior, not just with her, but with everyone. Everything suggests that she has seen these changes, she just is not willing to trust me. Perhaps against DBing, I suggested what I might do to begin to restore her trust. She just ignores my efforts.
I never knew what a risk I was taking when we got married.
Hey DH, Im no vet here but we seem to have similiars sitchs in some ways. Look, this is an epidemic anymore. I found this out when my W walked away in May. Courts are backed up and you will more than likely come across others going thru the same thing, both men and women. I had no idea how bad it was out there. Like you say your wife is stubborn so is mine. She is also being cold and distant with hardly any contact. Interesting that your IC said there were still feelings there as I have heard that prior. When they act so cold and distant they are trying to escape their own feelings. My WAW told me weeks ago she would get back to me on the matter of filing for divorce and I have heard nothing back yet. So when the vets say dont believe anything they say and only half of what they do it appears to be very true.
The past 5 months I find myself getting stronger about the sitch. I truly believe you can only do for you and the WAS has to deal with their own thoughts. And their thoughts aren't always as they say or appear. And yes, there is time when you just cant avoid the emotions but another truth is they get less and less as the days weeks go on. I will post something for you About WAW's I found to really help me get a grip....
Do nothing, as counter-intuitive as that sounds - at least right now.
When I finally backed off my W COMPLETELY, even though I'd been sort of dim, she came roaring back. Obviously not all relationships are going to be where I am - many times going dark is met with complete silence for awhile.
However, it's the best choice when there aren't many. Here's a story of failure that ends in awesomeness: My 1XW and I divorced in 2010, 4 years after separating - my GALing and 180s were so effective, she still was reconsidering a few months before the final divorce - but she was extremely damaged emotionally from childhood molestation. However, because of my efforts, when we signed the divorce papers, I did it with a smile. Not because I was happy about it but because my heart was clear, I was truly happy with myself, and I loved my life.
The next two years were the best that I can remember- I spent time with and grew unbelievably close to my kids, re-built a core group of friends who would give me the shirts off their back, was 10 pounds heavier than when I graduated high school, and actually built a decent relationship with 1XW (who now respects me and defends me).
What I discovered was ME. Its so hard to see right now - when I was going through the separation, I thought nothing in my life would ever be good again; but I discovered the best of me after being divorced.
So, if your heart yearns, channel it into something for you. Yesterday, I thought my heart would break thinking about my step-kids: so I cleaned my garage, cleaned out my van, did all the laundry. Today, it was still broken for them, so I took my kids to the fair even though I didn't want to go at ALL. By forcing these steps, even when you want to crawl in bed and cry, you will begin to enjoy them, even treasure them, and the fun will start to diminish the rest.
DH, read the following carefully, I've been here 5 months dealing with my sitch and honestly I wish I had begun going dark sooner. But my emotions and feelings got in the way and I let them drag me down. I now remain quiet but nice and keep it friendly even with the few contacts her and I have. This has helped me tremendously and I dont really know how things will eventually end up.
"Going dark is the chance to work on you and to allow the spouse that left you to go through the journey they need to go through. If you start butting into that when they have made it clear that they don't want to be with you, then you come off as someone who is not honoring their request. You are short-circuiting the journey they have to go through to work out what is going on inside themselves.
There was obviously something very wrong that made them decide they wanted out in the first place. Oftentimes, it is probably the case that they are depressed and they have lost faith that anything can ever change. That patterns are set and are not reversible. It's a sign of depression to feel this kind of hopelessness.
One thing they knew for sure was that they did not want you in the picture. When people are depressed and confused about their identity like many people who request separations are, they become cognitively disorganized and impulsive in their choices. And when you are coming at them trying to make them stay with you, it just feels bad and like there's a pressure there to stay where they were.
And they don't want to stay where they were. They are wanting big changes. And if you stay the same as you always have been, and are unwilling to allow them to go on the journey that they need, or you are setting agendas about how they need to be, you just look like a controlling wench or [censored]. You become a representation of what they were trying to get away from.
As long as you keep pressuring them, you don't stand a chance. You will remain the embodiment of those bad feelings they are having. You will be something to avoid. You will make it very easy for them to continue to project or blame you for the bad feelings that reside inside of them.
If they are alone with those bad feelings still lingering inside, and you are nowhere in the vicinity, then perhaps they will begin to see that the pain they were feeling was really about something unhealed inside of them rather than something about you. You need to cut that link between bad feelings and you.
If you want there to ever be a future between you and your spouse, I believe you have to let your spouse take the journey that is rightfully theirs, even if they way they are communicating that to you [censored]. Even if it hurts like nothing else you've ever felt. If you love them, you have to let them go through that.
And you can't keep looking over to see if they are done yet. It's suffocating. Instead, this is your chance to learn new things. Walk around in your feelings and see what is unhealed in you that makes it so easy for you to feel crazy about this crappy situation in which you find yourself.
You have the gift of time now, and the focusing energy of pain. Don't feel all of this pain without getting your money's worth. Surrender to what is really happening. Face it head on. Summer in the MLC area says that you should stay dark UNLESS your spouse initiates a contact."
I get what everyone is saying. Some days and some weeks I have been better about leaving her alone than others. I have the added complication that we work at the same place, just down the hall from each other, and in the course of my work I must interact with her.
The hardest part is that marriage is suppose to mean we have someone to spend time with, share with, and lean on in times of need. To not be a part of their lives is the same as no marriage at all. Marriage fills a need that no GALing can replace.
Another difficulty is just the gross distortion of the truth. Again, script. She recalls innocent moments and tells them as if I am a terrible, even scary person. If they were true, I'd leave me. At first I thought my memories of such events were wrong and that I really am a terrible person, but the more stories she told the more I was convinced I was not this person she described. Friends and family who witnessed some of these events do not remember them like she describes them. My therapist says I am nothing like the person she describes. Unfortunately, her perception or memory, distorted as it is, is her reality. The hard part is her telling people these same terrible stories and people distancing themselves from me in response. Her mother blames me for her daughter's unhappiness. At least one colleague at work won't even talk to me. Her perception is what is driving her decisions and by sharing them, is making it my reality.
Apparently in Georgia, you are served divorce papers by a sheriff. I'm truly terrified. How devastating is it going to be to have a sheriff show up where I work?
