The View from the Blanket VI

[Accuray]

For the kids, is the best path full detachment with no effort to build a R with him for the kids, or just leaving him to float away and maybe one day figure it out on his own? Leaving him to his own devices.....its where we are now. So I dont see how that will change with the way things are now.

As you may know, my sister got divorced with young kids in your kids' age range.

From everything I've read and learned, the hardest thing for the kids is not knowing what to expect. Kids like routine. Most of it is expectations management.

What my sister's family therapist said was that if the next contact with their father is just open ended, the kids get anxious and worry if they'll ever talk to him again. Sometimes they will form their own expectations which they won't verbalize, and then if they don't have contact when they expect it, they can get sad or angry.

What the therapist impressed upon them was the importance of setting a schedule, and sticking to the schedule. My sister put a white board in her house with a calendar drawn on it, and all the "daddy times" are highlighted on it, either phone calls or when they will see him. That way the kids always know where to go to figure out when they will see or hear from daddy again.

The therapist also said that once those expectations are set, they must be delivered upon. If your H commits to speak to the kids on the phone "every Wednesday night", then he better be available to do it! If he can't make it (and things do come up), then it's very important to provide heads-up in advance (versus just not show up), and to set the kids expectations for when they will talk to him instead.

With all that being said, I do think you need to set some boundaries with H on the kids' behalf: Propose a schedule for when he will talk with them on a recurring basis and get him to commit to it. Tell him what you expect him to do if he won't be able to make it. Tell him that the consequence of not abiding by the plan will be that you will no longer allow the kids to talk to him because you are tired of living with their disappointment.

Acc