I spoke briefly to W and I's mutual friend (wifes best friend, but we are also very close) last night. She told me that W told her that she'd been "trying" more lately to conjure up sexual feelings.
(Just a note: Things we're good for a while before W started to pull back a few months ago. When I brought up at the time how good things had been she said she'd been "trying".)
There's something about the word "trying" that bothers me. It just seems disingenuous.
I might just need a 2x4 here. I've been wanting her to try for last few months, now she is and I'm still complaining about it.
I suppose she needs to "try" to get her feelings back before they hopefully become genuine.
==============================================
The enabling going on between W and her recently separated younger sister still has me very concerned.
I know I have no control over it, I'm just venting.
As a quick recap W sister recently left her husband of 5 years for very similar reasons to W and I's sitch. She just isn't feeling it anymore. She refuses to go to MC. They have two small kids.
A few months ago W had called her sister "brave" for making her decision before she "made a stupid mistake like I did" (referring the EA).
"Brave"? for walking on your husband and two small kids and refusing to go to MC? Some may call that selfish. (I don't offer my opinion to W, I just listen)
Things got a little heated the other day between SIL and H (He's been walking on eggshells for years with her and I think he's had enough.) and she has been doing a bit of cake eating lately.
Anyway, W mentioned it to me the other day, during which she said "its like he's trying to punish her for her feelings". It just shows where my W head is still at. At the beginning of our sitch MIL told W "well, your feelings are your feelings".
To complicate the sitch SIL is married to W best friends brother. (the same best friend I mentioned at beginning of this post). They've all known each other since they were kids. We're basically family. W best friend is not happy about either sitch-ours, and her brothers.
W best friend mentioned that she's seen changes in my W. Hot and cold, distant at times, amongst other things. This feeling has been told to me by many others close to us. I've obviously seen this too, amongst other things.
W just seems to want to spend time with her sister and her parents. She's been partially closed off to everyone else (we have a fairly large group of friends).
=============================
Sorry for the negative tone of my post, just venting
M-38 W-32 D7, S4 M-10 BD-May '12 S for 1 month-June '12 Reconcile, Piecing
BC, Life is never cut and dry . Sounds like your wife is getting folks input just like you are- just in a different way. To an extent, she's still probably deciding what she thinks will make her happy in the long run. I think she's being genuine when she says she's "trying" (btw, hate that term too. W used to say it all the time during her EA). It wouldn't surprise me if there was still intermittent contact going on between her and the OM which keeps her a bit fogged. If for sure there has been zero contact, then perhaps it is withdrawel coupled with her still not feeling "in love" with you yet.
Falling back in love with you, after being out for a while, is a lengthy process, for sure. Can you identify for me what her greatest emotional needs are? Maybe I can help you come up with some different ways to meet those needs.
In the meantime, keep her happy and distracted from thinking of anyone other than you. Upbeat all the time!
I'm sure your situation feels very perilous and creates anxiety in you, but reacting to that anxiety is your own worst enemy. I truly believe you are best served by taking a long term view and not getting caught up in your W's ups and downs -- just ride it out with an eye on the horizon.
I don't believe that most long term spouses would say they are "deeply in love" with their spouse, or that they are "madly attracted" to their spouse. In fact, the average long term married couple probably spends very little time evaluating their feelings for their spouse. They'll react to their needs not being met, but I doubt they pull out the "how in love am I" scale very often if ever. That's not realistic in a long term marriage and there are many reasons for it, and I think you understand that.
You want W to profess that love and "feel it" to compensate for the fact that she had an EA and placed her affections elsewhere. If she comes back to feeling in love with you and attracted to you, you can relax again and enjoy your marriage without feeling like you're leaning back in a chair.
If you make her strong feelings for you a focus, it reinforces her belief that her feelings aren't there and should be. If you take your eye off that ball, *over time* her attention to it will diminish as well. What you focus on expands, and right now the two of you are too focused on her feelings. Given time you *will* both climb out of this valley and achieve a new normal, hopefully much better than the one you had before. The more you focus on this "lack of attraction" issue now, the longer it will delay climbing back out.
Adopt the Popeye philosophy: "I am what I am and that's all that I am". If you're the best man you can be, you can't go wrong with that.
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
W comes home from work and tells me she inadvertently found out my youngest brother and his W have enquired about MC. (I was fairly surprised by this as I didn't know they had any issues, but I don't know any details).
W then told me an old friend of hers that she just started spending more time with recently told W that her and her H just started MC. (I'm confident W thought everything was "fine" is that relationship).
We then got into a discussion about how it may be a benefit for newlyweds to have some sort of MC to prepare them for the future.
(I've had retro in the back of my mind for while as its coming to our city in a couple weeks, but I wasn't sure whether I'd mention it considering what W told during our last R convo 4 weeks ago.)
I figured I'd use this opportunity to bring it up.
I said "speaking of communication in marriages etc" there's this program etc etc, and gave her a quick summary of Retro.
W said "I think I'd be really interested in that".
I said "great, would you like me to book it?"
She said "sure".
So I just left a message with Retro to try to get us in.
Gotta say I was a little surprised at her willingness considering just 4 weeks ago she said she "didn't feel like trying right now", didn't want to "go to MC" etc etc
But I guess today is a new day...
M-38 W-32 D7, S4 M-10 BD-May '12 S for 1 month-June '12 Reconcile, Piecing
BC, that's great news! Get signed up and let her know when it is, make sure she understands that it's a Friday evening through Sunday afternoon commitment (you will never leave the hotel during that time). Make arrangements for someone to watch the kids. Basically take care of everything yourself. If W starts asking questions about what will happen just explain to her that there is little info available because they want you to come in as a "blank slate" with no preconceptions. Do tell her that you're not required to talk to anyone the whole weekend (a lot of WASs are freaked out that they may have to share their story). The hosts will share their stories with the group and will describe the exercises, then you will go to your room together to do the exercises. The only time I talked to anyone was at mealtime and it was just general chatting stuff with some of the other couples.
You'll understand afterwards, but all I can tell you now is the less you know about what will happen then the more receptive you will be to it. Words can never describe what a powerful and emotional experience it is. It may not save your M (although it certainly might), but it will at least change your perspective.
I just wanted to add that the hosts during my weekend made my sitch seem pretty mild. One H had been in numerous affairs and absolutely hated his W, but she never gave up on him. She had to drag him to RetroV kicking and screaming and he sat with arms folded and lips buttoned the whole weekend. He was disgusted with the whole process. After the weekend he went right back to his affairs. Somehow a year later they ended up back in RetroV again, and that time it changed his heart. He completely transformed and fell back in love with his W again. That was over 20 years ago and they've been madly in love ever since, and hosting RetroV ever since (they're volunteers, the host couples do not get paid). This man cried like a baby when he talked about his infidelity and the multiple ways he hurt his wife, and there was not a dry eye in the room listening to his story. You will be amazed at how lost some of these host couples were and that they were ever able to find love again. It really does convince you that anything is possible.
She seemed put off by the 6-7 follow up sessions. I told her not to worry about it, that we'd just see how the weekend went first.
She asked that I send her the info about the weekend, so I forwarded her some of the homepage info from RetroV website on Friday. She didn't bring it up all weekend.
If she doesn't mention it again today I will have to ask her again tonight. I don't want to appear needy or put too much pressure on her, but its on Sept 21st.
M-38 W-32 D7, S4 M-10 BD-May '12 S for 1 month-June '12 Reconcile, Piecing
On the weekend W and I we're discussing our friends that are having serious M trouble.
I explained to W that his W is acting very erratic and very uncharacteristic. Not showing up or contacting for days and not checking on her 4 children, etc etc.
My W then says "I can't even imagine what he's going through being in limbo like that"
Seriously???
My lip gets sore at times from biting it...
M-38 W-32 D7, S4 M-10 BD-May '12 S for 1 month-June '12 Reconcile, Piecing
. Sounds like your wife is getting folks input just like you are- just in a different way. To an extent, she's still probably deciding what she thinks will make her happy in the long run. I think she's being genuine when she says she's "trying" (btw, hate that term too. W used to say it all the time during her EA). It wouldn't surprise me if there was still intermittent contact going on between her and the OM which keeps her a bit fogged. If for sure there has been zero contact, then perhaps it is withdrawel coupled with her still not feeling "in love" with you yet.