One giant leap forward! - Part 6

[lovethehub]

A 4 yr old and a 1 year old are constant motion. I seem to be in the minority here but when my boys were those ages there were days when I couldn't wait for H to walk in the door and I would go hide in the bathroom for an hour or so. I loved my kids dearly and spent lots of time with them but my idea of a vacation was just to be in a quiet room for as long as I wanted, no noise, no activity, no demands.

Hi Bug, I don't think you are in the minority; I think we are just pointing out that even though it is hard, you do what you have to do. T's W uses it to get him to do what she wants which is to have her weekends free.

Originally Posted By: labug

If you know what you want on the travel then tell her and stick to it. Don't waffle on your non-negotiables, just keep repeating what your terms. I would leave some room for negotiation.


This is the part I totally don't get.
It's like me telling my neighbour to cut my grass on a Saturday morning. That's what I want and that is what I want to stick to. I keep repeating to him that I want it cut.
He doesn't cut the grass because he doesn't want to.
My W doesn't want to do it so how do I make it happen in anyway?

You make it happen by sticking to your guns. What we are trying to say is that there is no way your wife is going to keep the boys every weekend, she wouldn't be able to handle it and it would interfere with her plans. Therefore, when you don't bow down to what she wants, she will realize that if she wants her weekend free, she is going to have to drive sometimes. Also, for future reference, when speaking with W about changing terms or putting something in place, use standard negotiation tactics and start higher than what you want. Don't say, I am not asking for half, only two journeys. Ask for half knowing that you are willing to compromise as low as two if necessary. Coparenting involves just as much compromise as M.

If I had told her I don't want to hear her SOS i could understand not replying. She is doing her usual thing and I'm not responding, unless she knows why I'm just ignorant.

Believe me, she knows why you aren't responding. If she asks "why didn't you reply" you can say "I just want what is best for the boys and I am not going to play games or argue about it"

Originally Posted By: labug
Quote:
What is best for the kids?
They need to see me enough. How much is enough?


Only you and your W can work that one out.

Quote:
This is the part I totally don't get.
It's like me telling my neighbour to cut my grass on a Saturday morning. That's what I want and that is what I want to stick to. I keep repeating to him that I want it cut.
He doesn't cut the grass because he doesn't want to.
My W doesn't want to do it so how do I make it happen in anyway?


You have no legal binding ties to your neighbor and his grass. You do have legally binding ties to your kids and rights as far as how much you see them.

It's back to boundaries, either you believe in them or you don't.

Quote:
I believe many of her days are like that.
That still doesn't make it my problem though does it?

She moved to where her parents live.

I didn't mean to imply that it was your problem, just having some empathy for both of you and others in that situation. Sounds like you want to teach her a lesson, that usually backfires. Let life teach her whatever lessons she needs to learn.

It can be a problem for your kids.

I don't think it's good when a parent moves with the kids to a place that makes it more difficult for the other parent to visit. But in your case, that horse is out of the barn, what can you do now to ensure that you see your kids regularly?
Glad you had a good time at the reunion.



I have a legal binding in how much I see my kids. I'm not aware of a legal binding that ties her to the driving.
I can't see how Boundaries comes into it. Can you explain?

T, typically you come to an agreement and negotiate who will have the kids when, who will do what, etc. You SHARE what is involved and you agree on it. My ex lives in MT and I live in NY, we split the travel costs 50/50, I don't expect him to pay the full price to see his daughter. I agreed to this because it is in HER best interest to see her father and if he had to pay for all of it, she wouldn't see him as often. Your email is to the point, when she says she isn't going to drive, then tell her you need to keep it every 4th weekend instead of every third (or whatever the actual plan is). Make it so she will have them more if she doesn't do any of the driving because you know that isn't what she wants, she just doesn't want to be put out.