One giant leap forward! - Part 6

[T1000]

What is best for the kids?
They need to see me enough. How much is enough?

Only you and your W can work that one out.

This is the part I totally don't get.
It's like me telling my neighbour to cut my grass on a Saturday morning. That's what I want and that is what I want to stick to. I keep repeating to him that I want it cut.
He doesn't cut the grass because he doesn't want to.
My W doesn't want to do it so how do I make it happen in anyway?

You have no legal binding ties to your neighbor and his grass. You do have legally binding ties to your kids and rights as far as how much you see them.

It's back to boundaries, either you believe in them or you don't.

I believe many of her days are like that.
That still doesn't make it my problem though does it?

She moved to where her parents live.

I didn't mean to imply that it was your problem, just having some empathy for both of you and others in that situation. Sounds like you want to teach her a lesson, that usually backfires. Let life teach her whatever lessons she needs to learn.

It can be a problem for your kids.

I don't think it's good when a parent moves with the kids to a place that makes it more difficult for the other parent to visit. But in your case, that horse is out of the barn, what can you do now to ensure that you see your kids regularly?
Glad you had a good time at the reunion.

I have a legal binding in how much I see my kids. I'm not aware of a legal binding that ties her to the driving.
I can't see how Boundaries comes into it. Can you explain?

How is life going to teach her that lesson if I keep throwing my jacket on every puddle she comes across?
I think I do have empathy for her and her situation. I feel that if I let that effect my decision I will continue to have a wet jacket.
If her learning life lessons is a result of me living my own life then so be it.

[T1000]

T, hope you don't mind if I hijack for a post here.

Not at all.

[T1000]

I have thought about everything that has been said. I still believe I should reply to her last email which was this:

Hi, 

With regards to car insurance can you at least help me find some as I have no idea what I am doing. 

With regards to driving some of the way I have two issues regarding this. 1: I can't afford the petrol. I do not use my car unless I really have to. 2: I am completely shattered by the time Friday comes. If anything I would like you to be in the boys life's a little bit more than you are already?? They really miss you. 

I really don't think you realise how difficult my life is as a single mother dealing with the boys 24/5. I am mentally and physically shattered. I can not do any more than I am already doing. I'm sorry but no.

This is the response I have done, can I get some thoughts on it please:

Hi,

For the car insurance just google car insurance comparison, put your details in a and pick the cheapest one.

I will put the fuel you need in your car.
I have done all the driving for long enough. I'm not asking you to do it all, I want you do to your share.

I'm staying away for the guilt trips (hers or mine) and keeping it on topic.

[lovethehub]

A 4 yr old and a 1 year old are constant motion. I seem to be in the minority here but when my boys were those ages there were days when I couldn't wait for H to walk in the door and I would go hide in the bathroom for an hour or so. I loved my kids dearly and spent lots of time with them but my idea of a vacation was just to be in a quiet room for as long as I wanted, no noise, no activity, no demands.

Hi Bug, I don't think you are in the minority; I think we are just pointing out that even though it is hard, you do what you have to do. T's W uses it to get him to do what she wants which is to have her weekends free.

Originally Posted By: labug

If you know what you want on the travel then tell her and stick to it. Don't waffle on your non-negotiables, just keep repeating what your terms. I would leave some room for negotiation.


This is the part I totally don't get.
It's like me telling my neighbour to cut my grass on a Saturday morning. That's what I want and that is what I want to stick to. I keep repeating to him that I want it cut.
He doesn't cut the grass because he doesn't want to.
My W doesn't want to do it so how do I make it happen in anyway?

You make it happen by sticking to your guns. What we are trying to say is that there is no way your wife is going to keep the boys every weekend, she wouldn't be able to handle it and it would interfere with her plans. Therefore, when you don't bow down to what she wants, she will realize that if she wants her weekend free, she is going to have to drive sometimes. Also, for future reference, when speaking with W about changing terms or putting something in place, use standard negotiation tactics and start higher than what you want. Don't say, I am not asking for half, only two journeys. Ask for half knowing that you are willing to compromise as low as two if necessary. Coparenting involves just as much compromise as M.

If I had told her I don't want to hear her SOS i could understand not replying. She is doing her usual thing and I'm not responding, unless she knows why I'm just ignorant.

Believe me, she knows why you aren't responding. If she asks "why didn't you reply" you can say "I just want what is best for the boys and I am not going to play games or argue about it"

Originally Posted By: labug
Quote:
What is best for the kids?
They need to see me enough. How much is enough?


Only you and your W can work that one out.

Quote:
This is the part I totally don't get.
It's like me telling my neighbour to cut my grass on a Saturday morning. That's what I want and that is what I want to stick to. I keep repeating to him that I want it cut.
He doesn't cut the grass because he doesn't want to.
My W doesn't want to do it so how do I make it happen in anyway?


You have no legal binding ties to your neighbor and his grass. You do have legally binding ties to your kids and rights as far as how much you see them.

It's back to boundaries, either you believe in them or you don't.

Quote:
I believe many of her days are like that.
That still doesn't make it my problem though does it?

She moved to where her parents live.

I didn't mean to imply that it was your problem, just having some empathy for both of you and others in that situation. Sounds like you want to teach her a lesson, that usually backfires. Let life teach her whatever lessons she needs to learn.

It can be a problem for your kids.

I don't think it's good when a parent moves with the kids to a place that makes it more difficult for the other parent to visit. But in your case, that horse is out of the barn, what can you do now to ensure that you see your kids regularly?
Glad you had a good time at the reunion.



I have a legal binding in how much I see my kids. I'm not aware of a legal binding that ties her to the driving.
I can't see how Boundaries comes into it. Can you explain?

T, typically you come to an agreement and negotiate who will have the kids when, who will do what, etc. You SHARE what is involved and you agree on it. My ex lives in MT and I live in NY, we split the travel costs 50/50, I don't expect him to pay the full price to see his daughter. I agreed to this because it is in HER best interest to see her father and if he had to pay for all of it, she wouldn't see him as often. Your email is to the point, when she says she isn't going to drive, then tell her you need to keep it every 4th weekend instead of every third (or whatever the actual plan is). Make it so she will have them more if she doesn't do any of the driving because you know that isn't what she wants, she just doesn't want to be put out.

[T1000]

Thanks LTH,

W text me a little while ago and said she had looked for insurance but it's double what I was paying. I told her that I'm not surprised. Thats the majority of what was said.
She is going to be out of pocket for this and I'm half waiting for the thunder to rain down any minute.

Either way that's the insurance semi-sorted. If I don't respond to her reply email why would she come looking for anything? She has said no, surely she wants no reply because that means it's sorted.
She wants it to be every 4th weekend, so do I and thats what we are doing.
The only way I can see that I can get her to actually be responsible is for me to refuse so she will have to bring them or something similar.

The only power I have involves me using the kids to see them less, if she calls me on it to prove a point where does that leave me?
We all know she loves her weekends, she loves to win even more.

[Fartiltre]

Tough one, T - I am sorry that you find yourself in this!

What say's the law about this driving-issue?
How is this normally treated by the system?

If you have described this earlier on I am sorry for asking

F

[T1000]

I don't know. Not sure how I can find out without paying L.

[Fartiltre]

Google?
Any Single-parent-unions that give free advice?

[labug]

Did you ever get a book on boundaries. This is something that's so useful in life, and central to good R, it's worth spending some time on.

I don't know what your boundaries are. If your boundary is whatever you want your driving agreement to be (sorry, don't remember the details) then that's your boundary. Does that mean if she doesn't agree that you won't see your kids that weekend? Is that throwing your coat on a puddle? (I like that who metaphor, BTW) Or is it cutting off your nose to spite your face.?

You're right, you can't force her to drive to you or meet you halfway but it could be in the D settlement. She still may not do it and then you can be angry and fight about it for years. I've seen it happen. Kids who are from D homes do better when the parents realize they need to work together to make things better for the kids. Even one parent can make that choice and improve the situation.

Or you could conclude, things aren't always going to be my way but I will do my best to see my kids as much as I can No matter what W does or says, my kids are my priority.

I've not said you should protect her from life's lessons, I've said be clear what your boundaries are and where your actions my lead you, the consequences both intended and unintended.

Having empathy doesn't mean you step in and save her, that's codependent.

Some boundaries with W might be: If she speaks disrespectfully, I will end the conversation. (I think you've started doing this)
I will not put myself in financial jeopardy due to her spending. Her bills are her bills.
I will not speak disrespectfully to or about W.
I won't contact W unless it's about the kids.
If she contacts me about anything other than the kids, I will politely decline to continue the conversation..

I know this is hard stuff but it's all doable.

[labug]

Hi Bug, I don't think you are in the minority; I think we are just pointing out that even though it is hard, you do what you have to do. T's W uses it to get him to do what she wants which is to have her weekends free.

He works during the week so when else is he going to see them? T are you going to start taking days off in the middle of the week so you can have them then, instead of the weekend? Sorry if I missed that somewhere, all the descriptions got pretty convoluted for me.

I think the focus should be on what T (or anyone else) can or can't do around seeing his kids. What the spouse is or isn't doing with their time is nothing we, as the LBS, can control. If I were in that situation and wanted "me time" on the weekends I had the kids, I guess I would have to get a sitter.