Two Roads Diverged In a Yellow Wood... Part 2

[chasingpavements]

Well, I made it through my first weekend alone! H took the kids home to his parent's for the weekend. It was nice to have the weekend to myself, to get my thoughts organized. The house did feel SO quiet though. Had to leave the tv on in the background to make it feel more normal.. just felt SOOOO quiet without 6 yr old twins girls and a 5 year old son running around!!

Feeling a little bit of anxiety over the weekend, just a heavy, tight feeling in my chest. I notice I feel a lot better when I wake up in the morning. I think that anxiety slowly builds up during the day.

Such a weird feeling, that I am now a single mom to 3 kids now. When I got married I thought it was for life, and expected to have him as a partner, supporting me. I think I am doing considerably well though. I have the feeling that I can do better, and find someone that will care for me, that will be a better match for me.

Bruno Mars' song really resonates with me. I feel like we lost the love over the years, as H starting doing less and less romantic things for me. I was going through a stack of files over the weekend and came across a receipt from a necklace he bought me 7 years ago.. that was the last time he bought me anything like that. I started bawling! I think he has lost the love for me and now feels quite empty. I don't think he meant for it to happen, and he seems to feel terrible about it. He keeps telling me that he is so sorry.

When I Was Your Man -Bruno Mars

Same bed but it feels just a little bit bigger now
Our song on the radio but it don't sound the same
When our friends talk about you, all it does is just tear me down
'Cause my heart breaks a little when I hear your name

It all just sounds like oooooh…
Mmm, too young, too dumb to realize
That I should've bought you flowers
And held your hand
Should've gave you all my hours
When I had the chance
Take you to every party
'Cause all you wanted to do was dance
Now my baby's dancing
But she's dancing with another man

My pride, my ego, my needs, and my selfish ways
Caused a good strong woman like you to walk out my life
Now I never, never get to clean up the mess I made, ohh…
And it haunts me every time I close my eyes

Although it hurts
I'll be the first to say that I was wrong
Oh, I know I'm probably much too late
To try and apologize for my mistakes
But I just want you to know

I hope he buys you flowers
I hope he holds your hand
Give you all his hours
When he has the chance
Take you to every party
'Cause I remember how much you loved to dance
Do all the things I should have done
When I was your man
Do all the things I should have done
When I was your man
--------------------------------------------------
I am going to find that man that will buy me flowers and hold my hand (and buy me sunflower seeds and Ferraro Rocher chocolates).. is that too much to ask?