I am titanium

[Raine]

uR, Linda, Wonka & GG, Thanks so much for your posts. I am working on the feelings and the resentment. It's getting better. Talking about it, thinking about it does help me a lot. I don't talk about it with him or "show" him, but I'm sure he does see some things.

I hadn't done anything physical touch since that hug I mentioned until this morning, because I wasn't feeling it. I was annoyed at more teenagery stuff, lack of responsibility, and it's better for me to just escape and avoid when I feel negative towards him.

I question doing things when they are received, but not reciprocated. I think, "oh, crap, I should just back off." I do it when I feel it. But then I question it afterwards.

Back to the resentment and needing some kind of acknowledgement from him.... I just don't feel capable of moving into a relationship with him and having that elephant in the room. I need that door closed. But working through it these last few weeks with myself and talking to others, I realize I don't have a timeline on when that needs to happen, but it has to happen at some point. I don't want to be 10 years down the line still holding on to this in anyway. And sure I can get there without that, but I probably won't.

I want something, just anything, acknowledgement on any level, any kind of sorry. I do not want a begging for forgiveness, crawling on hands and kneels. I just want something REAL. I want this for a few reasons:

1 - So I know that he knows what I went through. That this was extremely difficult and only a fraction of people would do it in my position. I do not NEED him for anything. I did not stay for financial reasons. I did not stay because I fear being alone or have a co-dependency. I want him to know this because I feel it's a manifestation of how much I love him. I don't want him to think I just became strong, like I didn't care, or that it was not as big of a deal as it is. I don't need to him to know how this nearly sent me over the edge, literally Thelma and Louis. To be right there, and the only thing keeping me on the ground was the kids. No, it doesn't need to go there.

2 - It would make it easier for me to move past it and fully forgive. Just speed up that process a lot, by years.

3 - I would have less fear that he would do cheat again or other major things in the future that would hurt me. No, I don't want him to suffer. I know he has and is, but I can't go through this again, and I worry that if that knowledge isn't there, is there really much in preventing future slipping? In my mind, there isn't. The rest of my life I would suspect that it's not if, but when. Every business trip, every late night out, I would assume the worse. I realize this journey is about him. And maybe he had to go through it. And maybe there was only way to go through it. But, I had a journey to that was about me too. And if there is to be an us, those journeys have to meet.

4 - I would feel like he is no longer putting himself first in everything. It would help me with my resentment issues of that. His unwillingness to make amends when he hurts me, tells me that his feelings are more important than mine. Because even if I don't feel like I am the root of someone else's pain, I still feel the need to comfort them and to tell them I feel sorry they are going through what they are going through. And so does he. He too feels the need to comfort, with everyone but me. And I can't go through life seeing him having that desire to comfort others, strangers, acquaintances, and not have the same towards me.


Can I have a great relationship with him if that's what he wants and he is willing to do the work, with none of that? Sure I can. But I may not want to. I may not be fulled in it like I was before. I won't ever be able to get back to my safe feelings and connection towards him without it.

So instead of dwelling on it now, feeling that this is a deal breaker, or something that has to happen to move towards working on a relationship, this is my resolve. If it never comes on it's own, at some point, and some point when I feel it's right, I am going to tell him. "I need this from you. I need this from you, and these are the reasons. I need your help to move past it. This is not to make you feel guilty or hurt, but I need this to help me." And then I'll ask him to think about it and come back to me at a later time, and leave it at that.

That resolve, that plan, has put me at peace about this now. I can start moving forward once again. Because, I have been too hurt and too stuck the last few weeks and no where to move to, especially as there is no R. It's just the anticipation of that's where it is moving that is killing me. I feel I can continue to move on his timeline and it may be a very long time into it before I ever need to ask him to do that for me. But now I feel I have a way to approach if needs be, that both of us would be okay with.