The View from the Blanket VI

[bustingout]

"TRUST THE PROCESS" Good mantra indeed, huh SD? Hugs to you to picnic sister.

Hi Cadet, I was thinking more about what you said above. That it is the depression I am seeing.

I know depression is at the heart of this. I see anger, indifference, dismissive and sometimes downright impolite behavior. This may or may not be after a positive (almost honest) chat. I see defensiveness and stubbornness. I see a lot of mistrust on both sides. He doesn't trust me either. I think it would be easier if I could SEE the depression. The mind would play less tricks.

Bug, I thought of you today! I was mindful of letting go...I forgot about having to let go. I realise it does happen more and more. Its when I come home to the kids after work and I cant stop thinking about how affected they are..how much I want them to have a complete family..to have their daddy at home. I dont know how to let go of THAT.

H may or may not still be involved with OW. I think there was a breakup and now it may be back on. Who knows. I just know from my observation that he went from relatively nicer and chattier to downright cold and dismissive in 48 hours (exactly 48 hours). It doesn't change me but it is frustrating. Because I will say that deep down inside I want this thing with OW to END. First and foremost for my H and his relationship with the kids. Since she has been in the picture she has had such a pull on him that has sucked him right out of my children's lives. He still claims its for work....So I was hopeful when I heard that things were not going well with her because I hoped that would mean some time alone for him and some genuine reconnection with the kids. It doesnt seem to be the case. Although I am looking at about an eight day time frame now.

I want to have an honest conversation with him about the kids (i.e. try to attempt another honest conversation). They are just so sad. Its so incredibly painful to watch them be crushed slowly and steadily by him. I feel I need to continue to speak up for them. This is the card of hands I have been given. H doesn't want me. As I grow to accept this more and more,I am starting to think/see that the only way for him to get back in their lives is a rebuilding of trust between us since he sees me as a such an obstacle. But then that touches too close to talking about 'us' and that is not something we can do. In my head I can separate the two different relationships, he has not shown through his actions and interactions that he can....yet.

For the kids, is the best path full detachment with no effort to build a R with him for the kids, or just leaving him to float away and maybe one day figure it out on his own? Leaving him to his own devices.....its where we are now. So I dont see how that will change with the way things are now.

Do I have to initiate a D in order for him to do that? Is a D the best alternative? I dont want it to be, I am just spitballing here trying to get some thoughts. Or is more of the same the best...basically more time....I mean he is not here anyway. I just think he could still be involved much more even from afar. Maybe he doesnt want to... Its not hard from my POV...asking about them, their activities, friends, etc.

Anyway, I need to get out of my head a bit. I just feel so helpless with the kids. I almost want to say 'forget about daddy' Of course I know that is not the healthy way. We are coping...I talk to them a lot about their feelings and answer their questions as much as I can trying to be sensitive to their ages, but its the sadness...and now anger of D6 especially, that makes me want to try again with H.

So....in other news. Had a great weekend. So did the kids. I am exercising a lot more outside which I am enjoying (the sun is an amazing upper!). In other news, D6 has head lice AGAIN UGH (last year there was a bad outbreak in her class...seems like it has started again). She has long, beautiful curly hair and those buggers wont let go. Besides the lice shampoo and combing am looking for other possible treatments. I read Olive oil helps. Must try it. Of course S9 has caught it now too...his treatment was easy....short hair...

So for now thats where I am. Still good. Still feeling positive and happy. Choosing how I will live my life....