I am titanium

[uRworthy]

My friend, first let me say, that you did a great job with your conversation.

Nothing wrong with some stuff coming out once in awhile. Wont hurt or break what is going on.

I always say, you feel what you feel. There are no right or wrong feelings.

The key is to feel them, understand why you feel them, and then, when you a ready, make a conscience decision to let them go.

Because if you dont, they hold you back, they weigh you down, they sap your energy. Energy better spent on you.

You may not be ready to forgive right now and that is ok.

Remember that forgiveness is a decision to let go of resentment and thoughts of revenge. The act that hurt or offended you might always remain a part of your life, but forgiveness can lessen its grip on you and help you focus on other, positive parts of your life.

Forgiveness doesn't mean that you deny the other person's responsibility for hurting you, and it doesn't minimize or justify the wrong. You can forgive the person without excusing the act.

It is a committment to a process of change and an acceptance of what is.

You do not want to judge him, just as you dont want to be judged and that is all part of it.

You get there when you do. There is not timeline.

You just keep looking inside, keep listening and being still. The answers will come from him and within you.

[RosaLinda]

Boy oh boy Raine, this sure strikes a chord with me too. 

Raine "He said he looked in his rear view mirror and there was a woman in an SUV, attractive, our age, and when he looked back again, and she was crying, uncontrollably. He wanted to get out of his car and comfort her and tell her it's going to be okay. That she will get through this. That makes me emotional because that could have been me. That has been me. But he was never there. It's really difficult to hear him talking about other people and now even strangers that he wants to be there for but he doesn't seem to know or remember or want to know what I was going through when he left. I held it together and validated."

Doesn't that hurt? That they have such compassion and time for other women, but our pain goes unoticed. They ignore us, complain about us, walk away when we're talking, cheat on us, but they are oblivious that these things might actually cause us pain. Or maybe they notice but just don't care. Your H doesn't ask or care about all the pain YOU experienced, like that time he was having lunch with OW and was so worried about her getting back to work and all, yet wants to get out of his car and comfort some stranger and tell her it's going to be okay??? 

It's great you were able to hold it together and validate him, Raine. You are amazing

[Raine]

I need some advise. Here is the background of the last few weeks, and then my question at the bottom. My H continues to slowly reconnect, slowly pursue. Such as:

-Jokes about "our" sex life
-Jealousy over and talks about someone else being interested in me
-Asking me to spend time with him at night...which leads to me falling asleep in his bed and waking up at some point to get the baby...which leads to him questioning me in the morning why I left when I did, cause he didn't wake up. (BTW he goes into a really deep sleep now, where a few months ago any little thing would wake him up.)
-A gift from OW1 is gone.
-Watching tv together (We haven't done this for a very long time.)
-Calling me up to talk to me for 20 minutes at a time about nothing
-I posted a line to a song on FB, and he posted another line from the same song, very signification song to both of us and about us. He came home and told me he listened to it four times in a row and all throughout the day because of my post and it got him really emotional.
-He did a FB status update, to me. Tagged my name and said, "Raine, here is what we were talking about." He has not done this since long before BD. All his OW friends would be able to see this.
-Not wanting to spend time with his new friends.
-Cutting down on his nights out. Talking about not enjoying it and only wanting to go once a week if that or just have people over to our house instead.
-Offering to watch the kids, even the baby.
-Going to my family events
-Telling my parents and my siblings he is in C
-Telling me he wants me and the boys with him on a trip with his parents that before we had talked about just him going with them.

I sent him a message that said that include I don't hold any bad feelings or judge him for anything in the past. No response to it, but usually that means it has an emotional effect on him. If he wants to brush me off, he says "Thanks."

And this morning...He was leaving for C, and I hugged him. I haven't hugged him for him just coming or going for a very long time. And I think I have only hugged him once in the last few months and that was following an emotional talk. I was just gonna give him a quick hug, but when I started to pull away, he held on, and then did a two pat thing.

So the question...

What do you think about me initiating a hug with him more? After this hug, I felt like I should hug him before he leaves in the morning or comes home from work or both. I know he has massive fears of being rejected by me. I don't see him initiating a hug with me, but I also don't see him ever rejecting it.

Also thanks uR and Linda for your posts and support. I will get back to those soon.

[Wonka]

I sent him a message that said that include I don't hold any bad feelings or judge him for anything in the past. No response to it, but usually that means it has an emotional effect on him. If he wants to brush me off, he says "Thanks."

Yes, your message does have an impact on H and he's processing it internally. Let him be..I suspect that he may make a comment to you on this sometime soon.

What do you think about me initiating a hug with him more? After this hug, I felt like I should hug him before he leaves in the morning or comes home from work or both. I know he has massive fears of being rejected by me. I don't see him initiating a hug with me, but I also don't see him ever rejecting it.

I would suggest that you mix things up with various non-sexual touches to slowly build up connection between the two of you. A touch on his shoulder, touching his lower back, etc. will aid the process. The one action that I still remember from Ms. Wonka that sticks in my mind to this day. One morning, as she left for work early and I was still asleep in bed, she bent over me gently and planted a soft kiss on my cheek. That was really nice.

[uRworthy]

Yep, I agree with Wonka. Mix it up.

You dont want to start a pattern of hugging him when he is in this fragile state of reconnection. If you are busy or you forget, this can cause him to feel rejected.

And a show of affection should come from a feeling that you have at the time.

It is important during this time, to let him know you are there, but, continue to let him figure stuff out. You might see a few steps forward and then one back at times. All part of the process.

Those are all positive things, my friend.

This is a tricky time for him. He has to reconcile whatever brought him into the tunnel, his life during MLC and the life he wants in the future. Tough stuff, that.

You need to dig in again here. Patience, tenderness and validation are important during this time as is continuing to let him set the pace and giving him space to figure himself out.

You are doing wonderfully.

[Raine]

Thanks for the awesome advice, sweet ladies. I feel good about this!

[Wonka]

You've gotten this far baby, Raine!! Keep on keeping on.

[RosaLinda]

wow Raine, I'm AWOL for a couple of days, and look at all the positive things happening in your sitch! I am SO happy for you! I think that message you sent H probably went a long way in helping him to heal.

I so appreciate Wonka's and uR's advice, to be patient, tender, validate, and mix up a little non-sexual contact for connection. Cause I expect (yes I said the illegal word!) to be able to use this advice myself, someday

So, any more hugs???

[GatorGirl]

Raine,
I've been quietly following you over the last few months and just wanted to pop in and say what an amazing job you've done. You have the patience of Job and the advice here has been fantastic regarding how to sit back, relax and enjoy the MLC show without going insane yourself.

My D was final on 8/1...I feel a little more free and a little less sad. The anniversary of BD is tomorrow. Can't believe a year has passed since all this started. So happy you and your H have been able to hold it together. Starting over is certainly not for the faint of heart.

Big hugs,
GG

[Raine]

uR, Linda, Wonka & GG, Thanks so much for your posts. I am working on the feelings and the resentment. It's getting better. Talking about it, thinking about it does help me a lot. I don't talk about it with him or "show" him, but I'm sure he does see some things.

I hadn't done anything physical touch since that hug I mentioned until this morning, because I wasn't feeling it. I was annoyed at more teenagery stuff, lack of responsibility, and it's better for me to just escape and avoid when I feel negative towards him.

I question doing things when they are received, but not reciprocated. I think, "oh, crap, I should just back off." I do it when I feel it. But then I question it afterwards.

Back to the resentment and needing some kind of acknowledgement from him.... I just don't feel capable of moving into a relationship with him and having that elephant in the room. I need that door closed. But working through it these last few weeks with myself and talking to others, I realize I don't have a timeline on when that needs to happen, but it has to happen at some point. I don't want to be 10 years down the line still holding on to this in anyway. And sure I can get there without that, but I probably won't.

I want something, just anything, acknowledgement on any level, any kind of sorry. I do not want a begging for forgiveness, crawling on hands and kneels. I just want something REAL. I want this for a few reasons:

1 - So I know that he knows what I went through. That this was extremely difficult and only a fraction of people would do it in my position. I do not NEED him for anything. I did not stay for financial reasons. I did not stay because I fear being alone or have a co-dependency. I want him to know this because I feel it's a manifestation of how much I love him. I don't want him to think I just became strong, like I didn't care, or that it was not as big of a deal as it is. I don't need to him to know how this nearly sent me over the edge, literally Thelma and Louis. To be right there, and the only thing keeping me on the ground was the kids. No, it doesn't need to go there.

2 - It would make it easier for me to move past it and fully forgive. Just speed up that process a lot, by years.

3 - I would have less fear that he would do cheat again or other major things in the future that would hurt me. No, I don't want him to suffer. I know he has and is, but I can't go through this again, and I worry that if that knowledge isn't there, is there really much in preventing future slipping? In my mind, there isn't. The rest of my life I would suspect that it's not if, but when. Every business trip, every late night out, I would assume the worse. I realize this journey is about him. And maybe he had to go through it. And maybe there was only way to go through it. But, I had a journey to that was about me too. And if there is to be an us, those journeys have to meet.

4 - I would feel like he is no longer putting himself first in everything. It would help me with my resentment issues of that. His unwillingness to make amends when he hurts me, tells me that his feelings are more important than mine. Because even if I don't feel like I am the root of someone else's pain, I still feel the need to comfort them and to tell them I feel sorry they are going through what they are going through. And so does he. He too feels the need to comfort, with everyone but me. And I can't go through life seeing him having that desire to comfort others, strangers, acquaintances, and not have the same towards me.


Can I have a great relationship with him if that's what he wants and he is willing to do the work, with none of that? Sure I can. But I may not want to. I may not be fulled in it like I was before. I won't ever be able to get back to my safe feelings and connection towards him without it.

So instead of dwelling on it now, feeling that this is a deal breaker, or something that has to happen to move towards working on a relationship, this is my resolve. If it never comes on it's own, at some point, and some point when I feel it's right, I am going to tell him. "I need this from you. I need this from you, and these are the reasons. I need your help to move past it. This is not to make you feel guilty or hurt, but I need this to help me." And then I'll ask him to think about it and come back to me at a later time, and leave it at that.

That resolve, that plan, has put me at peace about this now. I can start moving forward once again. Because, I have been too hurt and too stuck the last few weeks and no where to move to, especially as there is no R. It's just the anticipation of that's where it is moving that is killing me. I feel I can continue to move on his timeline and it may be a very long time into it before I ever need to ask him to do that for me. But now I feel I have a way to approach if needs be, that both of us would be okay with.