Since hearing the words she's filed for divorce, I have obviously been upset, but not as devastated as I expected. I think I'm in shock. I am conscious of every breath I take. My perception of everything around me is empty, cold, and without meaning. Nothing I do or have ever done feels like it mattered.
I accept that I am not perfect and that we had some problems, but there was nothing anyone outside of our relationship would have considered anything more than typical. I know this too is script, but I just cannot wrap my head around it. I knew when I proposed she wasn't perfect and while things she did upset me from time to time, I always saw the big picture. Only I never saw any of this coming.
I know nothing is over until it is really over (legally), but how can I ignore what I know about my wife? She has always been stubborn. She makes a decision and sticks with it (unless you count marriage I suppose). I have heard how others talk about their spouse being hot and cold, but she has only been cold and distant for months. My coach says her behavior indicates there are still feelings. I know she was terribly upset when she told me she had filed. But I also know she is terribly unhappy with her life and herself and she is looking to change things. Apparently not about herself unless she thinks she's improving by walking away from our marriage without ever talking about it.
I know there is nothing I can do about her, as hard as that is to accept. I have been working to be a better person and improve my behavior, not just with her, but with everyone. Everything suggests that she has seen these changes, she just is not willing to trust me. Perhaps against DBing, I suggested what I might do to begin to restore her trust. She just ignores my efforts.
I never knew what a risk I was taking when we got married.
