Just checking in, no great developments to report.
Work has been keeping me very busy of late.
H continues to spin. His mother is back home from the hospital and has good and bad days. She is asking him to go there - idk for a visit or for good.
I'm in such an odd place emotionally/mentally right now that the "will he go" question just doesn't bother me. Is this a step toward detachment? I hope so. I like it.
Odd also describes things between H and I. Our day to day routine remains largely unchanged. I work to be more aware of when H is "sharing" with me so that I can validate his feelings. I have stopped taking everything so personally. For instance, a continual bugaboo in our M is housework. H does none, and I don't do enough. The other day H said "You should clean out and organize the pantry." Jaye responded, "Yes, it would be great to have the pantry straightened up." This, vs. the old way of me pointing out that I have less free time than he and if he wants it straightened out well by golly go right ahead. Lol, this would have resulted in anger, fuming, harsh words ----- and ----- the pantry still wouldn't have been cleaned up. The new way, no harsh words ---- and ---- the pantry still isn't cleaned up. Its a small thing, but makes an amazing difference.
I have really started to focus more on me. This feels somewhat silly, somewhat cliche, but also feels right. Almost exciting. I have begun to seek out affirmations like the one I posted above. I write them on index cards and post them where I'll see them from time to time.I have begun to think about what I would like. Would I like to buy a picture to hang on the wall? Would I like to get some new sheets? I would like to straighten up the bedroom. Not because H says I should do anything, not because I think H might like X, Y or Z, but just because I would like it.
These things may not sound earth shattering but they are slightly Jaye-earth shaking. It shows me that I have "moved" a bit because I have a new perspective.
I hope all is well for all of you. I realize that I'm coming up on my first DB anniversary. DB years seem kind of like dog years because it feels like way more than just a year ago that the bomb dropped and I found my way here.
(Note to newbies, it will get better. It doesn't seem like it at first, and maybe not even "at second or third", but slowly, glacially, things will get better.)
Have to run, I have things I have to do ~ and things I want to do.
Peace,
Take care,
Love,
Jaye
Me 46 H 56 M 22 yrs S22, D20, Twin Ss18
You teach people how to treat you by what you allow. What you stop. And what you reinforce. ~~~~~~~ A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.
I'm glad your MIL is home again. She's had a time of it this year. I do hope that your h is keeping in touch w/his parents to see how they are doing.
You sound amazing. You've come a long way and your communication style has changed a bit. This is a 180 for you! You definitely sound like you are moving forward w/your life.
Keep up the good work! I think you are doing great!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I have really started to focus more on me. This feels somewhat silly, somewhat cliche, but also feels right. Almost exciting. I have begun to seek out affirmations like the one I posted above. I write them on index cards and post them where I'll see them from time to time.I have begun to think about what I would like. Would I like to buy a picture to hang on the wall? Would I like to get some new sheets? I would like to straighten up the bedroom. Not because H says I should do anything, not because I think H might like X, Y or Z, but just because I would like it.
^^^ I like this mindset a lot, and have taken it on myself. I continue to just be my (new) self, and go about my life confidently. I know I have a lot to offer W in a new relationship, and think that once she figures out her own stuff, she'll realize it too. The fact that she's still here, not showing any plans to leave, leads me to believe I'm on track.
You sound solid mizj!
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
You sound great! And I love your mindset; I have been adopting that too but I am sure it is more difficult because your Crazyman still lives with you.
I have had more moments than not these days that I am even starting to feel happy again, not just pushing through the day. Definitely have my moments, like when the anger rises to the surface, but it's like PMS, it is temporary and although I know it will come again, I know how to handle it.
Having a day here with H that is threatening my newfound equilibrium lol.
What happened? Idk. I did/said the wrong thing. S20 did/said the wrong thing. The Patriots beat the Bucs. All this resulted in H ripping off the Bucs shirt S20 had given him and throwing the shirt at the child and the child out of the living room. This was followed by telling me, well, yelling it really, "First chance I get I'm out of here!"
These things always seem to catch me by surprise and I find myself grappling to get the validating/active listening in position. (Think Captain Kirk not having time to get the shields up.) I did manage to stay very calm and tell H I was sorry he felt that way.
SMH. He's still not talking to me. While I was upstairs doing laundry and replaying the discussion in my head I had a thought - what does he mean "when he gets a chance"? There's nothing stopping him but him. He has a place to go - his parents. The only thing stopping him is him.
And this after a resurgence of closeness. After telling me he wants the two of us to go on a cruise with the income tax refund. (This info left me speechless and thought-less.)
My detachment - for lack of a better word - has kept me fairly steady in the face of both his pursuit and current distance. Its sort of like checking the weather for the day. Regardless of the forecast, I'm still me.
But I am sad too. Sad that he's so miserable. Sad that he spews on S20.
On the up-side, I have a lead on a part time job! Not sure yet if it would replace fastfoodland or be in addition to fastfoodland. Realistically thinking, if H has one foot out the door it should be in addition. Or maybe, it should read "if Jaye has one foot out the door."
Idk DBers. Tough stuff.
Take care.
Peace,
Jaye
Me 46 H 56 M 22 yrs S22, D20, Twin Ss18
You teach people how to treat you by what you allow. What you stop. And what you reinforce. ~~~~~~~ A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.
I'm very sorry he threw a hissy fit today, but it sounds like something has been brewing in his mind for quite some time. I don't think it's anything you or your son said or did...but the loss the game could have been the last straw for him today.
He's spouting off when he says he's out of here the first chance he has. Unless I am totally wrong, he's not going anywhere any time soon.
Interesting that he wants to take a cruise. You most likely would never see him on the ship because of the possibility of gambling once out on the open seas. LOL! Of course, you, on the other hand, could really, really enjoy yourself.
Be careful not to spread yourself too thin w/jobs. I would hate to see your health be affected by all of this stuff.
Please take are of yourself.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Oh good grief Jaye, sorry your H is acting out - it's the old distancer-pursuer dance taken to the extreme huh? Poor S20. Poor Jaye. It hurts to be lashed at like that.
My mind goes blank too, and "sorry you feel like that H" is my old standby validation statement too for those deer-in-the-headlight moments when he is acting normal and turns on me like a dog.
I agree with Snodderly, "First chance I get I'm out of here!" is just so much MLC lying spew. He's not going anywhere. Unless of course you decide you've had it and toss him to the street, but I can't see that with how well you've been doing detaching. I also agree about the potential new job. Isn't your other job full time now? Too many hours to be in addition to fastfoodland my friend.
Jaye "My detachment - for lack of a better word - has kept me fairly steady in the face of both his pursuit and current distance. Its sort of like checking the weather for the day. Regardless of the forecast, I'm still me."
I love this. Love that, despite all the BS of the past few years, you have not lost the essential Jaye. Two people have recently told me that I have lost myself in my quest to reconcile my M. Glad to see you strong and steady Mz. Jaye
Linda
Me 65, Ex 64 M 38 y 2 adult S, 4 G-Kids MLC 11/07 BD 12/09 D 3/14 Dating nice guy 7/14 Engaged to nice guy 12/17
