Just checking in, no great developments to report.
Work has been keeping me very busy of late.
H continues to spin. His mother is back home from the hospital and has good and bad days. She is asking him to go there - idk for a visit or for good.
I'm in such an odd place emotionally/mentally right now that the "will he go" question just doesn't bother me. Is this a step toward detachment? I hope so. I like it.
Odd also describes things between H and I. Our day to day routine remains largely unchanged. I work to be more aware of when H is "sharing" with me so that I can validate his feelings. I have stopped taking everything so personally. For instance, a continual bugaboo in our M is housework. H does none, and I don't do enough. The other day H said "You should clean out and organize the pantry." Jaye responded, "Yes, it would be great to have the pantry straightened up." This, vs. the old way of me pointing out that I have less free time than he and if he wants it straightened out well by golly go right ahead. Lol, this would have resulted in anger, fuming, harsh words ----- and ----- the pantry still wouldn't have been cleaned up. The new way, no harsh words ---- and ---- the pantry still isn't cleaned up. Its a small thing, but makes an amazing difference.
I have really started to focus more on me. This feels somewhat silly, somewhat cliche, but also feels right. Almost exciting. I have begun to seek out affirmations like the one I posted above. I write them on index cards and post them where I'll see them from time to time.I have begun to think about what I would like. Would I like to buy a picture to hang on the wall? Would I like to get some new sheets? I would like to straighten up the bedroom. Not because H says I should do anything, not because I think H might like X, Y or Z, but just because I would like it.
These things may not sound earth shattering but they are slightly Jaye-earth shaking. It shows me that I have "moved" a bit because I have a new perspective.
I hope all is well for all of you. I realize that I'm coming up on my first DB anniversary. DB years seem kind of like dog years because it feels like way more than just a year ago that the bomb dropped and I found my way here.
(Note to newbies, it will get better. It doesn't seem like it at first, and maybe not even "at second or third", but slowly, glacially, things will get better.)
Have to run, I have things I have to do ~ and things I want to do.
Peace,
Take care,
Love,
Jaye
Me 46 H 56 M 22 yrs S22, D20, Twin Ss18
You teach people how to treat you by what you allow. What you stop. And what you reinforce. ~~~~~~~ A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.
