One giant leap forward! - Part 6

[sandi2]

"If I don't reply what are my reason/s? If I don't respond I'm ignoring her reply to the conversation I initiated."

If she is throwing statements out of an angry fit, you don't acknowledge it with a response. Why? B/c that is her bad behavior acting up and lashing out at you. How do you deal with a kid throwing a tantrum? You don't reward them by giving them their way. Your mistake in the past was giving over to her demands, therefore, she continues to throw trantrums. You cannot rationalize or use logic with her. When she is ready to calm down and stop throwing her anger at you, she will think of trying something else to get her way. You must stick with what you told her. No arguing, no trying to get her to see your side.

I suspect when she sees that being a bully, guilting you, or gaining sympathy doesn't work, then she'll try to bribe you by making you think she will "try to work" on things but she needs your help.....yada, yada, yada. Same old stuff.

You are already feeling sorry for her taking care of two children. I had a 1 yr old and 4 yr old, and one had hyperactivity. Plus,I worked a full time job. I did not get breaks! When my H came home, he did not help me. My parents and in-laws and friends did not babysit to give me a break. I don't want to sound like I have no compassion regarding your S4, but she uses him for her leverage. She tells you how they miss you and want to be with you more. How does a one year old communicate that to her? Can S4 tell her? And even if he could, she still uses it like a hall pass. Instead of taking responsibility for her decision to move away, she expects you to do more in order for her burdens to be lighter.

You have allowed her to use that same old song about how she has them through the week.....and you don't. In past times, it worked to get you to relieve her. She left the M home with two parents, and now she wants to eat cake. So, when she returns with this SOS (same old stuff), your immediate goal is to show her it has no power over you now. If she wants a response, you tell her you have already told her your conditions. Do not back down. Don't plead with her. Don't start changing your initial text.

"I still need her co-operation, she can say no as long as she wants. My only leverage is not taking the kids and what is set up now is what I want and what she wants (right now)."

What do you mean? She can't stop you from seeing your kids! Besides, do you not get that she will not go two weeks without telling you to get them? You still talk as if she has all this POWER over you. Yet, you are supporting the boys, and mostly HER. You are the one driving back and forth. IMO, you hold the ace in the cards.

It is easier when both parents cooperate, but if the court gets involved, you discover some things are accomplished without complete cooperation from both sides. She may not like it, but she will have to abide by whatever the court says. You have not wanted to get the court involved b/c you had hopes of R the M. But now you feel that option is probably closed. So, you may need to get a judge to set the guidelines. However, if you are not ready right now, then you need to stick by the decision you laid out to her.

You really need to know without a doubt that she is not affecting your decision to get,the boys every weekend except one. I just believe she will find some reason for you to pick them up that fourth weekend. She won't say it now, but when that fourth week hits her, just look out. She will be,ready for her famous breaks.

Realize that none of this is set in stone. That is why I continue to remind you how she will not keep the kids away from you. She will make threats, just like she has before. That is manipulation! Don't succumb to those tactics.

If you have to write it in large print and stick it up to see, don't forget your "whys".
1. To show you are a new man.
2. To show you are taking control over your life.
3. To show you are decisive.
4. For your self-respect and esteem.
5. To continue developing inner strength.

We could list a page of why you should not reply to her tactics. If she asks a question that is not more SOS, answer with a short sentence. If she calls herself referring to the subject of sharing the driving, make sure to keep that focus on nothing else but her driving half the visits.

When women are angry, they start bringing up EVERYTHING to throw in the face of the H. They can get way off the original topic, b/c by now they are just mad about everything.....period. Have you seen movies where the angry woman is grabbing pots & pans, plants, mirrors, and anything near by to throw at the H? Well, in a sense, this is what your W does. She gets mad and starts grabbing at everything to throw at you.

You want what's best for your sons. Succumbing to your W's selfishness is not what they need from you. Sometimes, the lines get blurred with all the emotions involved. We get drained and just want it to end. That is when we are vulnerable and begin to doubt ourselves. Considering how long you were passive and let your W take over, it is easy to see what a challenge it is to not slide back into that habit again.

You are going to make it through and come out liking the man you became.