//You spoke mostly, not all but mostly, about being treated better in your next r.//
I know that the focus is supposed to be on yourself. You are the only person you can change. I hear it, I get it. But I have to be honest with myself. When I look back at our history and the conflicts in our marriage I don't know what I would have done different.
I never had a partner. I never had someone who would emotionally connect to me. There was no compromise, no discussion. Everything had to be her way. My W is not normal. She is emotionally distant and extremely controlling. I thought these things would change as we got older, but they just got worse.
I look at Kat's list of questions:
//Before your wife cheated, did you have problems?// Yes, a lack of intimicy and connnection. Both of us felt alone. We had numerous disagreements and we did not communicate or reach legitimate compromises. In general, we did what she wanted.
//What part did you play in those situations?// After a while, I started to nag and then withdraw. I thought this was a normal part of the maturation of a marriage. Part of the nagging was legitimately asking for her to engage and work with me to improve our marriage. I always thought she was satisifed with our life because she had so much control over it.
//Did you listen to your wife's love language and show love in the way she needed?// Earlier in the marriage I did. Her LL is acts of service. Over time, I stopped feeling appreciated. I started feeling taken advantage of and used. I wanted more control over my life and a deeper emotional connection. I started to withdraw and stopped working so hard at satisfying her wants.
//Did you work as a team with things around the house and with raising the kids?// That is a complicated question. She is an accountant, so for 4 months of the year I am a single parent. When she is home, I felt like we worked OK together. She views it differently. What is the standard? How do you measure it? I never felt appreciated for any of the work I did around the house.
//Did you have dates with your wife?// No. Our life was dominated by kids and kids activities. Like I have said so many times, I begged for a stronger emotional connection. I asked her to go out on dates. I asked her to spend more time with me. She just didn't feel it was important. She didn't want to pay for a babysitter.
If I was a woman in a physically abusive relationship, would you ask the question "What did you do to cause the abuse?" Of course you wouldn't. I look back at my marriage, especially the last year, and I see an emotionally abusive relationship.
I banged my head against a wall for years. Eventually, I stopped banging. My LL was not returned. My efforts were not reciprocated. I constantly gave and got nothing back. It wears you out over time.
I always thought she would want more and make some changes. I know I wanted more. I never imagined the changes she would actually make.
When I look back, given the way my W treats people, I don't think it would have been possible to have a better M. This is what I honestly believe. I really believe that she needs help.
Why is it impossible for this to be true? Why can't I come to this conclusion without being "Self rightous", or "Blinded by hurt pride"?
Was I perfect - No. If I was perfect, would my marriage have been any better? I really doubt it.
//Look at your answers and think how you could have done things better if not differently.// I am absolutely convinced that the #1 thing I could have done better was to pick a W who was willing to commit and work on a marriage. My W never was. That was the foundation that was missing in our M. Without that, I was just rearranging chairs on the Titanic.
No - I am not trying to save this relationship any longer.
25mlc - I am going to ask you to dig deeper. Is it possible that this is an accurate assesment?
