Figuring out the old and new life

[uRworthy]

You know, FY, I am one of your biggest fans.

I think that your wife is trying to find out who she is. And she cant do that with you right now.

In MLC, the spouse is the last person they reconnect with.

She was a wife for a long time and that defined her. She knew who she was as a wife and as part of a couple. Now she wants to figure out who she is as a person without the confines of that identity.

And truthfully, that is not a bad thing in a lot of ways. You guys got together at such a young age. She never really go to figure all that out before.

The hope is that she does figure it out and realize that she can still be her and be married to you.

[ForeverYoung]

I think that your wife is trying to find out who she is. And she cant do that with you right now.

She was a wife for a long time and that defined her. She knew who she was as a wife and as part of a couple. Now she wants to figure out who she is as a person without the confines of that identity.

And truthfully, that is not a bad thing in a lot of ways. You guys got together at such a young age. She never really go to figure all that out before.

Thank you uRw, I couldn't agree more! This is why I will continue to give her all the space she needs, for as long as I can... which won't be forever.

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I went to a divorce support meetup group last night, looking to make some new friends and learn more. The group is aimed at people going through D, or already D. It was made clear several times that it is not a dating group.

There were 50-60 people there, many, like me, for their first time. It took over an hour to get through all the introductions, and I was surprised to learn that more than half of the people there were in long term marriages. Several women broke down and sobbed as they recounted their H’s betrayal. One man went on about how his W had him arrested, twice, for following and confronting her and her new lover. Many stories were very sad, but others quickly jumped in to comfort the people telling them. The more I listened, the more I felt thankful my sitch wasn’t as bad off.

Some of the people were “vets”, who were there to help others. They had happier stories of success after D.

In my introduction I made it clear that neither my wife nor I were actually in the D process, and that while we may end up there, I was still holding out hope for R. Being the fine group they are, they welcomed me and let me stay anyways! I also received the loudest, longest group laugh of the night with a witty opening comment, which made me feel good. Overall it was a positive experience, and I hope to go to their next meetup and make more friends, maybe even help someone save their M. Bust On, y'all!

[uRworthy]

FY, good for you. I am not at all surprised you have the biggest laugh. You are very funny.

You are ok, my friend.

Keep going til you cant. Thats all you can do.

I am rooting for you.

You know, I was thinking about MLC and all. And I was wondering about why some people struggle so much and go through one.

I had a horrific childhood. Didnt get what I needed from my parents.

I was realizing what I wrote to you about your wife and trying to find her identity.

I had lost mine in my marriage. I know this. I know my happiness was always contingent on someone else's.

I have been through some tough stuff in my life, really tough.
Including his MLC.

I guess I am grateful I didnt go through a crisis. But I sometimes wonder why. I have all the markers for one.

Then I thought, well, I had to learn my own coping skills to get through it all. Maybe that's the catch.

Who knows? Just glad I averted one cuz that is crazyland.

[etc]

FY, the divorce support group sounds so encouraging! I need to seek one of these out in my area. My sitch continues to look more bleak. I need to get my PMA back in order pronto.

ETC

[reachingHigher]

Hi FY!

I wish I could have been there and heard your witty comment and laughed with everyone!

I'm not sure how I could "overpower" her though. Do you say this because I'm more confident than she is?

Yes, I meant that but I don't think it's bad you are more confident. She may just see it that way.

I'm wondering if the remake of her bedroom is the equivalent of my H getting his own apartment. He seemed so happy to decorate it the way he wanted, do his own cleaning and cooking....for a while that is. It did give him a sense of being who he is in his own right.

Hopefully that will happen for W.


rH