One giant leap forward! - Part 6

[sandi2]

2: I am completely shattered by the time Friday comes. If anything I would like you to be in the boys life's a little bit more than you are already?? They really miss you.

What does number 2 have to do with her driving? What does the driving have to do with you being in their life more, or to do with them missing you? NOTHING! She doesn't want to share anything that requires her giving or doing her part (unfortunately, that is what sharing is about.)

"I really don't think you realise how difficult my life is as a single mother dealing with the boys 24/5. I am mentally and physically shattered. I can not do any more than I am already doing. I'm sorry but no. "

Did she think it was going to be easy being a single mom? Apparently, she did. She can't see how ridiculous she sounds (trying to make you feel guilty again) when she was the one who chose to move that far from you. I honestly don't know how you hold your peace. She makes me mad and I don't even know her. However, I have her number!

She is telling you "no" to helping with the driving? Listen to me, there is one very fast fix to that situation. If she wants you to have the boys more, she will do her share of driving. It is not too much to ask.

Here is a suggestion as how to respond. "I have decided to move forward and plan to take time for a social and personal life. By each doing our share, we can both have some free weekends. I will provide for the gas expenses, but if I have the boys three weekends out of four, as you've requested, then you will have to meet me half way."

She will raise hell at first, but I guarantee you she'll come around as soon as she realizes you will not be guilted into following her demands. But you have to stick to your guns by not letting her control this issue. You have this opportunity to get your life back. I promise, there is no way she'll make it two weeks before she gives in. She wants to have her free time, but she wants to control you. What better way than to keep you as the primary babysitter?

Remember what I told you about guilt. Nobody can make you feel guilty except you.

If she starts having a fit (and she will, b/c she could always manipulate you through guilt), just don't reply to her rage. Stick with it and she will do it your way.

[lovethehub]

Going over my old posts may show a previous pattern and it's tempting but I don't want to be relying on that as a map of where this might go. There are some similarities but it could go anywhere.

I think what F was saying here is to look at the pattern so you don't make the same mistakes when she plays the same games, not so you can see her trying to come back to you and work things out. It may help you stay stronger against her games.

W: I will be starting a 18-24 week cognitive behavioural therapy in the next couple of months so will be really needing a bit more help with the kids as I'm not sure how it's going to affect me.

I am not trying to be mean but she will use anything and she knows how to play you. She asked you to take the kids more, you said no. She comes back a few days later and ask for 'help' because she is in therapy and you automatically say yes. Lots of us are in therapy and we don't need time away from the kids because of it. I understand how hard it is to be a single parent; when H and I owned our own business, he worked 7 days a week and we were open 9a-10p. He had to go in early and stay til everything was done so he rarely saw the children, and when he did it was to play and fool around with them not to help out. (That's not a dig at him, I just mean there wasn't enough time so what he had was strict quality time with dad, having fun) Where there times I thought I would go insane? Yes! I had two small children and one is ADHD and the other was having tests, surgeries, doctors appts, etc. However, I didn't demand he take time off because I was 'shattered'. As a parent you do what you have to do. She CHOSE

[T1000]

@ Sandi,

I was just about to have a go at replying to her email on here.

At first my personal reaction was guilt, then anger, then I found part of it ridiculous.
I honestly wouldn't be able to complain about something being hard and use the words 24/5. The whole point of bring up 24/7 is to too emphasize that it never ends, 24/5 means weekends off!!

After a while I cooled and was much more easy going on it. I think I would have let her walk all over me with the guilt.

I felt like bringing up it being her choice but feels too bitchy.

I also feel that if she was as tired as she makes out where does she find the energy to start a new R with OM and their evenings out.

It wasn't going to be anything like what you wrote but what you have wrote although tough does feel just.

I was tempted to tackle her comments about the kids missing me. It's hard to read that.

It makes me realise that even though we might just be co-parents she still tries her best to have a hold over me.

How about this, very similar just sounds more like me.:

Hi,

Go to this website that compares different insurance companies:
blahblah.com
Any questions you can't answer let me know and I will do my best to advise.

I have decided to move forward and plan to take time for a social and personal life.
If I have the kids three weekends out of four, as you've requested, then you will have to meet me half way with the driving.
By each doing our share, we can both have some free weekends.
I will supply the fuel for your car. "

I'm quite sure her head will implode.
At any point do I bring up any of the following:
- Time for her and OM.
- Her choices.
- Single Mom being easy.

Do I reply to the rage just to say that I won't reply to rage or ignore it? I would rather state the boundary than have her guess why I'm not replying or that I'm cowering.

The weird thing is I do have the kids 3 out of every 4 weeks now. It's what i wanted even though she didn't. I'm using leverage of something I already have.

[lovethehub]

oops..

She CHOSE to move an hour and a half away; what did she expect? What she really wants is for you to take them every weekend and she doesn't stop to think that you are working 5 days a week so you aren't 'getting a break' either.

As for her refusing to drive, Sandi2 is right so stick to your guns. There is no reason she should not be doing half of the driving. She doesn't want to do it and she knows you are thinking if she tells you no, what are you going to do about it. Tell her if you have to do all of the driving you can only have them 2 weekends a month.

I will help her find insurance that's not a problem, 10-15 mins online should do it.

I'm sorry, how can she be 31 and not know how to get car insurance or be able to figure it out on a computer. I would not do it, I would tell her to call companies and get quotes or google it and get them. From reading your posts, it sounds as if she is manipulating you all around. Obviously that may be wrong but it sure sounds like it.

You are making so many positive changes, if you can learn to recognize when/how she manipulates you there can be even more.

[T1000]

Going over my old posts may show a previous pattern and it's tempting but I don't want to be relying on that as a map of where this might go. There are some similarities but it could go anywhere.

I think what F was saying here is to look at the pattern so you don't make the same mistakes when she plays the same games, not so you can see her trying to come back to you and work things out. It may help you stay stronger against her games.

Yeah looking at where my own mistakes may come up again does make sense.

W: I will be starting a 18-24 week cognitive behavioural therapy in the next couple of months so will be really needing a bit more help with the kids as I'm not sure how it's going to affect me.

I am not trying to be mean but she will use anything and she knows how to play you. She asked you to take the kids more, you said no. She comes back a few days later and ask for 'help' because she is in therapy and you automatically say yes. Lots of us are in therapy and we don't need time away from the kids because of it. I understand how hard it is to be a single parent; when H and I owned our own business, he worked 7 days a week and we were open 9a-10p. He had to go in early and stay til everything was done so he rarely saw the children, and when he did it was to play and fool around with them not to help out. (That's not a dig at him, I just mean there wasn't enough time so what he had was strict quality time with dad, having fun) Where there times I thought I would go insane? Yes! I had two small children and one is ADHD and the other was having tests, surgeries, doctors appts, etc. However, I didn't demand he take time off because I was 'shattered'. As a parent you do what you have to do. She CHOSE

In regards to me saying yes. I said if she needs it and I can do it I will. She shouldn't need it with CBT, if anything she would improve.
There isn't much more I could do that I'm not doing now already. I have no days left to take.

Do I ever bring up the fact that she chose?

[sandi2]

Do I ever bring up the fact that she chose?

I have to admit I sure would be tempted! And, as ridiculous and one-sided her sight gets, you may have to say or do something to assist her in focusing on the fact she made the chice to leave and she can't have EVERYTHING her way all the time. We usually practice telling the LBS that it is not his job to punish the WAS. However, (and depending on the individual stitch), I personally believe the WAW needs to realize the consequences of her choices.

As already stated, your W is very immature in ways, but she knows how to work you for her own good. She knows just the right words to throw up to you to feel guilty enough to give in to whatever she wants. If you don't feel sorry for her, or she can't entice you sexually (including jealousy), she uses the kids to get her way. You are the only one who can teach her that it no longer works.

Think before you say something and then reget it, or worse......have to take it back. For example, if you told her you wanted the boys three weekends out of four, you shouldn't have added that part in the response. Even though I gave you those words, always check to see the facts are correct. She will try to call your hand on that remark, but she'll still come around b/c she doesn't want to be tied down with them over the weekends.

It is Friday here, and I am wondering what you are going to do about the boys this weekend. Were you previously scheduled to go get them tonight?

Btw, remember me telling you how a lot of mothers have a rougher time with their children (due to health problems, special needs, etc.)? LTH is an example. I am glad she brought it up.

Oh, and you asked about responding to her rage or ignoring it. What have you done in the recent past months that you could see more successful than other times? I understand it's very difficult not to respond, but if you cannot stay in control of your own feelings, try to at least give it some time. No, you don't want to give the impression you are cowing down, but neither do you want her to know she can get you worked up. That is giving control over to her.

[T1000]

Do I ever bring up the fact that she chose?

I have to admit I sure would be tempted! And, as ridiculous and one-sided her sight gets, you may have to say or do something to assist her in focusing on the fact she made the chice to leave and she can't have EVERYTHING her way all the time. We usually practice telling the LBS that it is not his job to punish the WAS. However, (and depending on the individual stitch), I personally believe the WAW needs to realize the consequences of her choices.

As already stated, your W is very immature in ways, but she knows how to work you for her own good. She knows just the right words to throw up to you to feel guilty enough to give in to whatever she wants. If you don't feel sorry for her, or she can't entice you sexually (including jealousy), she uses the kids to get her way. You are the only one who can teach her that it no longer works.

Think before you say something and then reget it, or worse......have to take it back. For example, if you told her you wanted the boys three weekends out of four, you shouldn't have added that part in the response. Even though I gave you those words, always check to see the facts are correct. She will try to call your hand on that remark, but she'll still come around b/c she doesn't want to be tied down with them over the weekends.

It is Friday here, and I am wondering what you are going to do about the boys this weekend. Were you previously scheduled to go get them tonight?

Btw, remember me telling you how a lot of mothers have a rougher time with their children (due to health problems, special needs, etc.)? LTH is an example. I am glad she brought it up.

Oh, and you asked about responding to her rage or ignoring it. What have you done in the recent past months that you could see more successful than other times? I understand it's very difficult not to respond, but if you cannot stay in control of your own feelings, try to at least give it some time. No, you don't want to give the impression you are cowing down, but neither do you want her to know she can get you worked up. That is giving control over to her.

I have the kids. i texted her to ask if she got my email just after I got home. I never saw her I picked them up at her parents.

You are correct on the 3 weeks out of 4. Surely that completely blows my leverage does it not?

There are two here:
--------------------
Hi,

Go to this website that compares different insurance companies:
blahblah.com
Any questions you can't answer let me know and I will do my best to advise.

It was your choice to be a single mother. What were you expecting?
My job isn't like is was a few years ago where I could just coast along, I'm busy all day every day.
It doesn't make sense for me to leave work half way through the day while you and the kids wait for me to turn up, you could be bringing them here.
I'm not asking for half, I'm asking for two journeys a month. I will keep doing the rest.
I will also supply the fuel for your car.
--------------------
or
--------------------
Hi,

Go to this website that compares different insurance companies:
blahblah.com
Any questions you can't answer let me know and I will do my best to advise.

I'm not asking for half, I'm asking for two journeys a month. I will keep doing the rest.
I will also supply the fuel for your car.
--------------------

The first one sounds really punitive and should probably be held back until if the 2nd one fails to make a dent.

I think if she gets abusive I will just state I will not discuss anything with her if she uses that tone or language.
I won't try and defend my position.
If I have learned anything this week it is we both think we are right, arguing with her won't change her mind no matter how convincing or accurate my argument.

I think she will also bring up the "kids want to see you more" again. I plan to answer that with regular brief Skype contact for the time being.
The most important time to have the contact is in between the weekend I don't have them.
Ideally I don't want to ignore the comments about the kids wanting to see me more. They might be partly fabricated for her cause but I shouldn't ignore it.

[sandi2]

I wouldn't say anything until she says something else. I would not use the sentences
"My job isn't like is was a few years ago where I could just coast along, I'm busy all day every day.
It doesn't make sense for me to leave work half way through the day while you and the kids wait for me to turn up, you could be bringing them here. ". It is argumentive and doesn't sound like a strong, confident man who DECIDED to take control of his own life. When you know what you are going to do, then you don't have to plead your case. She doesn't have to understand it......nor like it, but you have already told her all you need to say about the driving issue.

I suggest you not say anymore about what you are willing to do. If you aren't very careful, you will be consenting to her terms without her ever having to say a word.

[Fartiltre]

T,

Do listen to these two ladies - I know you already do but then do it again!
...and do go over those old threads - this is almost the same record being played once again!

Does therapy cost money in England?
It is rather expensive here unless you get help from the state - then you only pay ½)

F

[T1000]

I wouldn't say anything until she says something else. I would not use the sentences
"My job isn't like is was a few years ago where I could just coast along, I'm busy all day every day.
It doesn't make sense for me to leave work half way through the day while you and the kids wait for me to turn up, you could be bringing them here. ". It is argumentive and doesn't sound like a strong, confident man who DECIDED to take control of his own life. When you know what you are going to do, then you don't have to plead your case. She doesn't have to understand it......nor like it, but you have already told her all you need to say about the driving issue.

I suggest you not say anymore about what you are willing to do. If you aren't very careful, you will be consenting to her terms without her ever having to say a word.

I agree that everything I was going to say doesn't sound like a confident man that decided to take control of his and more like I'm trying to convince.
I still need her co-operation, she can say no as long as she wants. My only leverage is not taking the kids and what is set up now is what I want and what she wants (right now).

If I don't reply what are my reason/s? If I don't respond I'm ignoring her reply to the conversation I initiated.
I've not read it yet? Too busy? Thinking about it?
I'm happy to do whatever you suggest but like F, I need to know the why and where I'm going with it.

Having the kids here after not having them here for two weeks it's easy to forget how stressful S4 can be and I can really sympathize with how hard she will find it during the week.
Obviously it was still her choice to take them so far away from me and live the life she has now and it was her choice very recently to not work at being a proper family.
I know that having them everyday would become the norm and not as stressful as I suddenly find it.