Not Again?!

[doubledown]

Hi newman:

Her complaints have been that I'm too critical, judgemental and negative and angry all the time and that I have no patience with our two young boys.

No matter what she suggests, the first thing I do is question it.

Her complaints are accurate and I have been doing 180's with regard to all of them. She's noticed my changes, but makes light of them.

My biggest struggle has been my willingness to argue that I'm right, regardless. That pushes alot of people away.

This is her 2nd affair. The first was about 3 years ago. She was out of work and on a downward spiral emotionally. She was questioning all of her decisions in life. When she lost her career that she had for 12 years, I think she lost her identity.

Anyway, during this time, she made contact with an old boyfriend from college on facebook. They exchanged updates and she learned that he was in need of her expertise on a freelance basis for some land development site plans. He was in Indiana where they went to school together and we were in Michigan. He flew her out and she spent a couple days out there. She made one more trip there and that was it.

In the meantime, she had already informed me that she wanted to split. But I begged and pleaded and cried to get her to reconsider, which she did. We went to a Retrouvaille weekend and she recommited to the marriage.

I may have overheard a phone conversation between my W and her girlfriend, and I became suspisious.

So, I looked into her email and found that she was involved at least in a EA with this guy. I continued to snoop and soon learned that he ended it.

I never confronted her about it. That is when I was first introduced to "Divorce Busting" MWD book. I did my best at the techniques and it must have paid off for a while. But I reverted back to my life long personality flaws and dropped the ball.

Our lives have been truamatic for about 4 years because of the loss of her job (6 figures) and the impact it had on our lifestyle and our lives in general. We were struggling financially and she could not find work. After settling for a retail garden center job, she was involved in a terrible car accident which laid her up for almost a year.

This was extremely stressful on me, taking care of her and the two boys. My patience was thin.

Once she started working again, it was long hours and 7 days a week. This really caused alot of strife and she resented me for being bothered by it and I resented her for not being available.

At some point, she began seeing this OM at her job. She left that job 3 weeks ago and is now back in her industry, land development/engineering, in a professional role. Good for us financially, but now she's caught up with this OM and sneeks away to see him whenever there is the opportuntiy.

I know all the stress, anger, resentment, no real time together for 2 years and overall kaos in our lives is the biggest contributing factor to the current state of our marriage, along with my own contributions in how I reacted to the upheaval.

Now, I can sense she is severed from me emotionally. She avoids me and rarely initiates a conversation. From my previous snooping, I saw that her plan is to leave in about 6 months and live with this guy, but I don't know if she would do that or if she's going along with his wishlist right now.

I just don't know how to address her specific issues in the marriage while she's involved with this OM. I don't think she has the slightest bit of interest. I feel like if I were to confront her, she would say well, now that you know, that saves me the hassle of telling you. I'm leaving!

It's very clear to me how all of this stuff has contributed to where we are, but my W proabably wouldn't be willing to accept that. In her eyes, It's all my fault, I'm sure.

I'm lost, man!