Thank you for your viewpoint and good advice. I appreciate you taking the time to offer some suggestions, etc.
"You have to make your own plan and figure out what YOU want, but do it from a place of confidence, not fear."
This is such good advice. Every step I've been making I've been wondering "is this going to cause him to leave?" and I'm constantly on eggshells, in fear. And, it was helpful to hear your perspective on boundaries. I have boundaries with my kids...and they're well-behaved, but I've been so afraid that H would leave, that I just don't insist on any boundaries with him where it concerns the phone, etc. in our marriage.
And, I definitely want to talk to a DB Coach!!! I get paid next week so maybe I can make it happen then. I know it would help me a lot!
UPDATE: 9/13/2103
I haven’t posted in a few days because right after I posted on here, my marriage went bad in a hurry and I’ve been busy trying to be there for my kids and trying to keep my own head above water.
In the past week, my husband has only slept at our house one day. He works nights, but used to come home to sleep every morning after shift. He’d sleep all day, then get up after school to spend time with me and the kids, then go to work. Starting last Saturday, he’s started sleeping at a “buddy’s” after work. One of his other work friends has been at this buddy’s house during some of that time, so it may be true that my H is just staying with a guy friend.
It doesn’t really matter, at this point. The fact is my husband isn’t coming home anymore to sleep, change clothes, or spend time with me or our four kids. He was doing that the last time I posted but he had excuses for why he was too tired to come home, etc. After this many days, it’s obvious he just doesn’t want to come home but is too chicken to actually pack his stuff and leave.
On Wednesday, two days ago, he got into a HUGE fight with him mom, who he’s always been close to, and it ended up with him telling her the following:
To lose his number and never call or text him again. That he hopes she dies and that he will never come visit her ever again. That our kids aren’t allowed to go visit her. He called her a “mother f****** b****” and other horrible things.
All of this was because she knew about the EA back in October and she’d noticed the change in him and she initiated a talk with him about it. He completely lost it. He was texting me at school all day with horrible, hateful MONSTER messages, trying to get me involved….I finally just texted, “I’m sorry you feel that way,” and left it at that. (To which he replied, “Huh?!”…LMBO).
But, here’s the kicker, he showed up at our sons’ football games last night and tried to act like everything was normal. I was polite but not friendly. Then, the trip to a Major League Baseball game that we’re supposed to take tomorrow? Well, he still wants us all to go. Even after he’s pretty much not living at home and was spewing hate all day Wednesday.
I haven’t initiated any contact. I’ve let him contact me about the kids, etc. I’m trying very, very hard to stay positive…to work on me…and to be there for my kids. I blocked him on Facebook and I make myself NEVER go read his page or his friend's pages. I am trying to stay very strong, mentally.
My sister told me on Wednesday that she hurts seeing me so hurt and beat down over the way he treats me. I really think I have been in denial about the level of emotional abuse that my H has treated me with these past few years. The things I’ve allowed him to get away with and the way I just keep forgiving him with no changes on his part…
Anyway, I’m wondering how this all fits in DB’ing. I know it’s been SO good for me to do my 180’s, to GAL, to work on me and stay positive. I can now start to see that I will come out of this a better, healthier person, whether my marriage survives or not. But, I’m confused about whether I should even be thinking about making the marriage work.
For the first time, in almost a year of this mess…and for the first time in about 6 months of knowing about Divorce Busting, I’m starting to wonder if it’s even worth saving this? I’ve made mistakes and I’m working on being a better person but I don’t deserve the meanness, hate, and lies that I’ve been shown over and over by H.
Anyone else have a spouse who was emotionally abusive who actually had their marriage survive and thrive…where the spouse actually, finally became a nicer, better person after the MLC or is there really something wrong with my H that is on a deeper level that may never get better because it’s who HE is not because his MLC is the cause?
And, I know...I'm probably asking questions that there are no answers to. Only time will tell. More patience and strength on my part. I think it scares me now that I'm starting to suddenly feel so numb to all his BS. I feel myself not caring where he is or who he's with...and I am not crying over him anymore, like I was. I think of him and I'm a little sad or angry....but then, it passes and I move on to something else.
This is a new thing for me. Not sure what's going on...
