Thank you my dear friends. Jerseybeachmama thanks for coming by. :-)
I feel more and more comfortable with where I am.
H and I had another chat about the kids yesterday and it was not as smooth. He started feeling uncomfortable and began shutting down. I think (mind reading) that he was feeling too much guilt. I think I also got too heated up. I really try to keep the kids and the sitch separate issues..its hard. I do for the most part however yesterday the lines where getting blurred. I stopped listening when he said he didnt want to talk anymore (was getting too close to the sitch), and before I could STFU, he hung up. This was frustrating. I texted him and said do not hang up on me again.
Anyway...left it...
Today we spoke, he apologised for hanging up, I thanked him. I apologised for pushing the conversation. He said thank you. Told him what I had been TRYING to say yesterday which was basically that I understand his intentions to better the R with the kids and I support that and I just wanted to empahsise that when it comes to the kids, they need consistency. He needs to be committed to this if he really wants to change the dynamics of the R. Their needs to come first. He said he understood. It was a calm conversation. I said thank you for calling ' I am going to STFU now' and said bye.
I think he has the intentions and desire, but he cant get there yet. To get there I think means he needs to actually look inwards and reflect on the consequences of his actions and figure out WHY he has made the decisions he has made. If he did that, I would be there. But he wont so I am not there.
He blames me outwardly. I am his block to his happiness. I think (mind reading) he thinks that where we are today is all my fault because i did not rush out and agree to his ending of the M and agree that there was not way forward together and as a family. He wanted me to just agree and have some happy divorced family scenario (mind reading).
Anyway. In the midst of this I had written out several texts to him (not sending them) of things I probably would have said to him in the past. I had no intention of sending them. I would have in the past. They were sarcastic and provoking. I was glad that I could see that I dont want to be that person anymore. Nor did it feel like the authentic me anymore.
I dont see how H can come back. Mostly because he doesnt want to. He just doesnt see this family as an option for him. He is in a much different place now. A single man's place. He does not care for me anymore. Our friendship, marriage and love is a thing of his past that he has put to rest. He seems content to be a cameo father. He seems content to simply not have me in his life. I think he thought he could seperate me and the kids. The kids were so young when he left. I think it is impossible for that to happen when they are so young.
I am sad about this.
But I am happy with my life. I can accept and I can move forward.
Whats been hitting me more and more is that I am lonely. Not bored. But lonely. I miss sharing my life with someone that cares about how my day was. I miss having someone to share with the joys (and challenges) of being a parent. No one will ever care about my kids as much as their father should have.
So we keep pole dancing (BRIGHT!) and keep moving forward.
I am sore from playing tennis and golf and swimming. Getting a nice tan while doing so. Have a friend coming over tomorrow. The kids are watching a movie before bed. And I am at peace.
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
Accuray! thanks for coming by. How was your day? Mine was ok, thanks for asking!
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
H Just called to speak with the kids. D6 refused S9 did briefly. H said he will keep trying with S6. We'll see.
We didnt talk. Just a 'hey' and I said hey and bye. Nothing more to say.
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
Busting, yes your H has not faced himself and his actions yet. This is why he keeps blaming you and thinking that if have an official D his life would be better. He also hasn’t fully realized yet how his actions impact the kids. Looking at your sitch’s timeline and comparing to others, I can say that your H is a very stubborn one. It will take him longer to figure out stuff. I can say the same thing about my H too.
I’m glad that you are in a better place emotionally. You are lucky to have your kids, and friends, and being able to do things for fun. Yes, we will keep pole dancing… I started the belly dance classes this week. It was so much fun!
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
So stubborn Bright, so stubborn. You are spot on. I read that in MLC terms he is a low-energy wallower (if thats what he is). Fantastic.
One thing he said in our conversation before it got heated was that he hadn't looked inwards for 'obvious reasons' . I am not sure if that meant because obviously it is painful or obviously because he is with OW. It doesn't matter. Either way, he hasn't. Maybe I should take it as he 'recognises' that he has not done that, and see the positive in that...the recognition.
Thank you Bright for your posts and support. It took me a long time to get here. And I know I still have a long way to go. I spent too much time in denial, but it was/is my path. We keep pole dancing....
The belly dancing classes must be fun! I am Egyptian and belly dancing is supposed to be in my DNA...I try at times...but lol...its very comical when I do. Enjoy! Its great for core strength! (((((((bright)))))))))
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
"Whats been hitting me more and more is that I am lonely. Not bored. But lonely. I miss sharing my life with someone that cares about how my day was."
THIS!!!! I recently wrote something similar on my thread. I actually SAID THIS to H just this week! Maybe I shouldn't have...it wasnt meant as pressure. I just needed him to know that I am very close to full detachment.
I am very proud of the life you are leading and the person you have become. You are soooo strong, bustin! LOVE YOU!!!
M- 18 T-21 S-14,11 & 10 BD 6-18-2012 (OW-EA) H moved out 11-3-2012 10-5-13 Me- I want a divorce. I want to move on w my life. 11-25-13 Jointly filed.
We're all reaching that point, I think. And Turtle,at this point? How you feel is valid too. You've done the work, you continue the work, now it's time (for all of us) to begin exploring the feelings of wanting and needing our tanks filled.
I am one of those people who tend to be okay on her own, but to have someone to turn to or lean on is what I miss. Someone who understands why you feel the way you do. Someone to laugh with and just be.
Little and Ruby you are great friends. Yes I think we are all reaching a new point. More layers are being pulled away.
"Someone to laugh with and just be"....... yes so true.
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
I read that in MLC terms he is a low-energy wallower (if thats what he is). Fantastic.
Busting sorry I havent checked up on you in a while. Sounds like you are doing well. Actually I dont think he is low energy, that might just be the depression you are seeing. And the contact types can change anyways as time goes along.
The low-energy ones usually live in the basement. And don't have the energy to do too much else. And they wallow around for so long that it is nauseating, so just keep living your life, just like you are doing and all will turn out the way it is suppose to in the end.
