Is this dropping the rope? Did I make a mistake?

[FlyOnTheWall]

I think that might come off as an ultimatum. If your really in the mindset of going out on a date, then go out on a date, but don't do it in a testing the waters, ultimatum type way to provoke an answer. I understand you want answers, you cant speed up the process thou. Your either going to have to let him come to his own answers in his own time, or your going to move on. That choice is yours actually.

You cant let go, because your probably not ready, and that's ok.
That's why they call it a roller coaster, not only are you on the ride, but so is he. He's as confused as you are. I think the problem is your thinking straight, and the answers are obvious to you, but that's you, not him. He's the polar opposite right now. If you see some positives, and I do, then you have to be willing to accept them with patience, understanding, and take it as a 2 steps forward one back mentality. That is, until YOU don't want to do it anymore. Is that what you really want?

Patience is the biggest obstacle I think. Once we learn that, everything else seems to fall into place. It doesn't sound like your a doormat, or that he's taking advantage of you, he's just lost. Maybe i'm wrong, but you say you love him, you say he loves you? His big hug at work in front of everybody must have taken him a lot. Why are you in a hurry to push it? It all comes down to you really, what your willing to take or deal with. You will know when your done, no one else can tell you when that is. Its just sounds to me like your frustrated this isn't happening fast enough, and that's ok too, just realize that about yourself. Are you in some IC to get some tools to help yourself? What are you doing for YOU?

Maybe, if you need some time for yourself, its time to ask him to watch the kids for a weekend so you can go visit some family, or a friend? Try and give yourself a break, as hard as it is I know, take care of yourself emotionally/mentally/physically.

[Breakdown]

I want to ask him if he would be ok with a mother man being intimate with me or spending time with his kids.

Sounds like you are trying to manipulate him. And if I was him, I'd say yes, regardless of what I really felt....remember, believe nothing they say.

Don't know why I can't just let go.

I think this is a personal decision, so take as much time as you need/want.

[Accuray]

DFE, I think you're doing the right thing, and if anything, you need to distance from him as much as you can, which is to say pursue the LRT. If he's not in the marriage, he's out. If he wants to be out, show him what that looks like -- no hugs!

[sandi2]

It has already been seven years. As long as you keep doing what you've done over these seven years, it will probably not change. Your H needs a rude awakening. He needs to see his W done with his stubborn, selfish, self-centered, cake-eating ways. No more in and out as he pleases. No more once a week home visits. You are finished with the clinging and begging. You are still young enough to enjoy life and stop wringing your hands, hoping upon hope that he might give it another chance.

You want to fire him up? Then drop the rope, get a life, and leave him alone. That is the only thing you can do that will be effective. The S that walks out, often has to believe he has made a terrible mistake and will do ANYTHING to get back what he threw away.

[chasingpavements]

I agree completely with everything sandi2 has stated. He does need a rude awakening, imo. Tough love!!

[AnotherStander]

So is this what it means to drop the rope?

Well it means different things to different people, but to me it's letting go of your spouse completely. It's living your life and letting them live theirs. It's being unaffected by what they say or do any more than you would be if a casual neighbor said or did those things.

Although I was prepared for his I really wasn't. I had a glimmer of hope that he would beg me to stay with him.

So you had expectations of a certain outcome. Personally I would say that you have not detached or dropped the rope, because you were hoping this would work as a strategy to get you two back together.

That obviously didn't happen. So what do I do now?

DBing- detach. GAL. Work on yourself. Leave him to live his life.

I feel like it's still not over. How can two people love, respect, and admire each other so much and not be together?

It is absolutely over. MWD says in DR that you have to accept that your current M is dead and gone. What you're striving for is not to get the love back, it is to make yourself into the spouse only a fool would leave with the hope of attracting your H back some day into a NEW relationship and NEW marriage.

[littleGTO]

DFE, in my opinion, you are not done. BUT, it sounds like this dance has gone on for so long that you are living the cycle over and over and over.

You HAVE to live your life for you...with or w/o your M. Do not date if you do not feel it is what you really want.

I am in a similar sitch in SOME ways... but I know I do not want to date just to get H's attention and have decided that I won't date until D. Also, I know patience is important, that so is my life and that I am NOT willing to wait for H to decide his path to determine my own.

So, you need to decide what you want. If you still hold hope for you and your H to R then you need to continue to make decisions that will allow for this to happen in the future WHILE STILL LIVING YOUR LIFE NOW!!!

Not easy to find this path....happiness now ...MAYBE M saved later.

[FlyOnTheWall]

Wholly crud batman, I didn't know its been 7 years. I apologize for not reading your previous threads. Yes its time to try something different, even drastic.

Please disregard my previous post.......that's an eternity even by MLC standards.

I respectfully agree with Sandi, and the others. Wow, I must admit you must be one heck of a woman willing to wait 7 years. Its time to see if you can find some happiness.

Now, back to the dating question, and I don't know myself to be honest. If you have someone walk up and ask you out? Sure why not, keep it light....if your ready. The part I cant give you advice on, and maybe Sandi and the others can help is the part about letting your husband even know. Go if you want to go, I don't think you should ask thou, but i'll leave that up to the experts on that front.

[AnotherStander]

BUT, it sounds like this dance has gone on for so long that you are living the cycle over and over and over.

^^^THIS^^^ I've read DR several times but I still like to pick it up and read a little every few days. Today I was reading the part where MWD talks about how people think they've tried EVERYTHING, but usually they're just repeating the same thing and just putting a new name on it. The example she uses is a woman who can't get through to her husband- she tries begging, she tries pleading, she goes to a communications seminar and returns and tries negotiating. None of it works. In her mind she has tried EVERYTHING and she's ready to give up. But to her H all of those things were the just different forms of the same thing- nagging (that was his perception of things). MWD says that if you think you've tried everything then reevaluate what you've been doing and try and come up with something REALLY different than what you've been doing.

[DFE]

I found a card from H today. It really made me upset. It was sent to me less than two weeks before we separated. It said I love you. Thank you for being a great wife and friend. Wow. How does one go from that two asking for a divorce in less than two weeks? We got into a fight and he said poof I am done. Wow I had forgotten about the card.


H and I had no contact all weekend. He dropped the boys off Friday night and I didn't see him until this morning at the office. We didn't speak a word. He emailed me (yes as I am sitting in front of him) saying our child visitation arrangements aren't fair to him and that he wants to see the kids more often and maybe even overnight visitation. I said I wasn't ready for that as the kids need stability right now.

He then text me later tonight asking me why the kids hadn't called him and that I shouldn't keep them from him. I said I am not. If they ask to call you they are free to they just haven't asked. He got offended and it started an argument. I told him I was keeping them occupied because they are upset. He said you mean you are keeping them from me.

He later apologized and said he is just frustrated with the situation and for me to get him the separation agreement. I replied back saying why are you frustrated? This is exactly what you have wanted for years. You are finally rid of me.

I know I know. I could have left the last part out but I couldn't resist. I have dropped the rope and at times I look forward to meeting Mr. Right. The one who will treat me as I deserve. Then I look at my kids and know I want their family to stay together.