Yes, I'm tired of being alone too. I don't know what your sitch is exactly like, but I'm the first of my circle of friends to get a D and most of my friends are now happily married with children, so they have NO idea what I'm going through. Hopefully you're better off in that department.
Believe me, I know it's hard to get up and find a reason to continue. Maybe instead of finding a reason, we should look at as "making a reason?" I think that's why GAL is so important, because it lets us find/make a reason to get out of bed in the morning. GAL leads to a PMA.
"I was prepared to fight, I was prepared to be wounded, I was prepared to be captured, I was even prepared to die. But I wasnt prepared to be abandoned".
This is how I feel as well......exactly how I feel.
me: 30 H:30 tgthr:7 m:4 no kids 5 counseling sessions initiated by H as a LR: Oct 2012 long distance marriage b/c of work since Nov 2012 official BD: July 2013 nothing filed 1/1/14 I dropped the rope
MrCAS...Moving out has had its challenges. Lack of internet being one of them
Other than that, I have accepted what is going on and making a stronger attempt to detach and move on. My W may or may not sign the final D paperwork...but it has more to do with her Healthcare costs, than being interested in resolving any marital problems.
I did see a crack in her armor the other day. I was at the house picking up things when we discussed her healthcare problem. I simply told her that I loved her, and it didnt matter what a piece of paper said, and always would. It was a little more involved than that, but she did tear up a bit, and I could see it weighed on her....which is something new, because before she was cold like ice.
Not saying anything is better, even remotely. She still doesnt want to work it out. I am 99.9999% sure theres OM. Sooooooo, I am just hanging out and moving on.
Me-45,W-36 M-12 yrs, T-15 years SS- 16 Nov 2003 Initial B date, 2-3 others since EA/PA OM 2003-2004 Reconciled 2004 May 2013 Final BD, W completely detaches W files D June 2013 I am moving out 26 July 2013
I think that there will always be a part of us that will have a feeling of something for our xs in some manner. I know that there is something for my first wife and will probably be for my second. I wouldn't exactly call it love per se. I think it is a calm acceptance that I wish for nothing but good things for them regardless of the past.
“Things turn out best for the people who make the best out of the way things turn out” ― Art Linkletter
See, thats where I get confused. If my 1st ex dropped dead today, I wouldnt feel anything. I seriously can not stand that woman, and all the crap she has done to me in the past right up until I finally got out from under her control when my youngest turned 18.
Now, W #2...totally different. Granted we parted on much better terms, and she hasnt set out to completely ruin me...but...and this is going to sound really sappy...I truly believe she was my soul mate. We got along and complemented each other in all things. That we drifted apart, for whatever reason is her decision, not mine. Could I have done better? Absolutely, and thats what DB and the self improvement 180s are all about.
Not saying I am living in fantasyland...but I feel that down the road...who knows what will happen.
Me-45,W-36 M-12 yrs, T-15 years SS- 16 Nov 2003 Initial B date, 2-3 others since EA/PA OM 2003-2004 Reconciled 2004 May 2013 Final BD, W completely detaches W files D June 2013 I am moving out 26 July 2013
"If my 1st ex dropped dead today, I wouldnt feel anything. I seriously can not stand that woman, and all the crap she has done to me in the past right up until I finally got out from under her control when my youngest turned 18."
That's odd because this is what you wrote about your first M.
"That I also drank alot and spent too much time partying and out with buddies. I took care of my family the way I was raised, to provide for them, but wasnt mature enough, and too selfish to know much else."
Sounds like you're forgetting that it was a two way street.
And this part about your current M.
"Yes...I still drank. But I got up, went to work, and felt I did better meeting her needs than I did in the 1M. I was still going out with buddies however, and drinking. She gave me the ultimatum before our marriage in 2001 to choose drinking or her. I said her, and we married. Of course, in hind site...I didnt do it FOR ME, but to salvage the R and marriage, and began drinking again."
So it doesn't seem fair that you said.
"That we drifted apart, for whatever reason is her decision, not mine."
Unconsciously you took things for granted and THAT is how the two of you drifted apart. Indirectly it was your decisions that helped lead to that outcome. I'm not saying that your W wasn't partially at fault, but as a LBS, it is easy to let that resentment build so much that it overshadows the original reasons that got them to that point in the first place.
This is why detachment without feeling and resentment is important. And that's something that you haven't fully gotten to.
Just my opinion.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
File this under the category of "if you don't want to know, don't ask (or go looking). OM confirmed. Caught my W with her Physical Therapist in her car having S. Don't ask me how of why, but I had this heart crushing bad feeling which pulled me to where she has physical therapy. I couldn't stop myself. I was almost there when out of the corner of my eye I caught her SUV in a small parking lot by a ball field off the side of the road. Had her car not been white, I probably wouldn't have seen it. I pulled in and hit he high beams.
They freaks out and locked the doors. She threw on her clothes and came out the other door locking him back in. He just laid in the back covering his eyes. After a few minutes of arguing he slipped out of the opposite side and jumped into his car. I almost got to him but the W was pulling on me and I didnt want to hurt her so he got in his car and drove away.
The W and I sat there and talked for a few hours afterward. She explained it was just meaningless S with a "co worker" and begged me to let it go. I more angry that this guy was such a coward and left her in a dark parking lot with a pissed off husband, and dint try to protect her or call the cops, he just left her there. Of course she defended him and again asked me to let it go.
I guess everyone hunks I am an idiot, including her because she lied to me. He guy has a distinctive car, and I later recognized it as her therapists car. Haven't confronted her about that yet. It makes sense in a way, as she spent more time with his guy in the past year than me, and I am sure he has been working it. (She does PT 3 days week)..
So now what? She calls me when there's an issue with the car, or he house, but I know they are still hooking up albeit not as sneaky. Now they just wait until everyone leaves the office and are doing it right there.
So everything is explained...the working out , the new tighter younger looking clothes, the long hours at PT, ect.trust me guys....if you don't want to know...don't go looking
Me-45,W-36 M-12 yrs, T-15 years SS- 16 Nov 2003 Initial B date, 2-3 others since EA/PA OM 2003-2004 Reconciled 2004 May 2013 Final BD, W completely detaches W files D June 2013 I am moving out 26 July 2013
Sorry for the typos, auto correct and sitting in passenger seat of a bumpy truck going to work
Me-45,W-36 M-12 yrs, T-15 years SS- 16 Nov 2003 Initial B date, 2-3 others since EA/PA OM 2003-2004 Reconciled 2004 May 2013 Final BD, W completely detaches W files D June 2013 I am moving out 26 July 2013
