I think your w may have been in a similar place mentally. knowing and aware that what she is/was doing was wrong but knew that she needed to do as she was doing because she HAD to. And maybe they do, in order to move to the next stage.
As I recall, there is a strong sense of "I know what I'm doing is wrong - but I can't stop!" There was a strong sense that a "decision" had to be made. A strong sense that she wanted "somebody" to make that decision - either me or the OM. I also recall very strongly refusing to make that decision for her but being ready to accept whatever decision it was she came to.
I don't think they easily remember the time in the tunnel. Would you? But I also think it's a large part of the process of getting out of it. That's the part the LBS plays later, if still around and/or willing to help. It's either that or another crisis that helps them to remember and reconnect with that time once the "thrill" that has been keeping the other dogs at bay, subsides. Without one or both of those things, I have a difficult time thinking they will remember those things they said or did or that time in their life, outside of "feeling" it was a tough time.
I have met many people who have gone through similar (seems more common than talked about) and some can remember and some can't. Later, many do remember what they did, and still can't figure out how to complete that cycle. That's the saddest group, to me. When they feel bad about it (if) they cling to the blame to make themselves better or less "bad" for their choices.
The thing is, it's not as easy as just making a choice for them. Those on the outside can see it is a matter of choices piling up. It seems easy to armchair quarterback and say, "if you had done this instead of that.." But isn't that life for all of us?
It seems compassion is warranted, and T2, my hat's off to you for how you have handled things all these years. How you have grown and become stronger and not followed the conventional thoughts of our society and kicked her loose. It's not an easy adventure.
Glad to hear things are changing!
Peace, AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
