All Out of Options

[MyNewStrength]

Okay. H talks too much. he goaded me into another discussion tonight after I got home from work late. He sent me a spreadsheet of the current mortgage costs along with house value and current equity.

I got home at 8 pm from work and of course the first questions was, "did you have a chance to review the spreadsheet I sent?"

I told him that I saw it right before I left work, but I had not had an opportunity to "absorb" the information. (it is month end for me at work and I manage the financial systems, so it is extremely busy through the end of the month).

But he wants to talk about the numbers and so yes I engage, so I guess I asked for his treatment. He spoke to me like I did not understand. But I did, and of course he did not like that I understood because then he could not speak to me like I was 9 years old!!!!

The house value is around $800K and the equity is around $458K, so he split out his part of the equity to be $258 K and the rest as mine. He then tells me that he may not want to waive the $30k he put down on the house in the south because "he is trying to be fair"....yeah right, he lied and cheated, but he is trying to be fair...(I know, sarcastic).

He is being calm and yes, I validated UNTIL he said he was trying to be fair because it would work to my advantage... Well I saw this as being condescending... so against all rules I learned here, I backslid...

I told him that he could not speak to me like I could not understand and that unlike him, I was faithful, loyal, and committed. He was quiet and then said that he could never talk to me because I was always combative...

Well, I did not yell, or call him names (unlike him towards me). I said we were both adults and should begin interacting that way. I said that I was sorry for his unhappiness and if there were something that I could do as his friend (not his wife) to change it, I would do.

He is so frustrating and he DOES not believe that his thinking or actions are wrong!!! He has treated with disrespect and indifference that he feels entitled to do so....

I ended the conversation because I felt as though I did our M and me a disservice in just saying anything or "confronting", but I was exhausted by how he treated me. So if we are done, then we are done, but at least I stood up for myself....no more cake eating or beatings!!!

[Not Quitting]

Your H knows how to push your buttons. My H does the same thing. He'll send me something just as I'm leaving work then get all uppity about the fact that I haven't looked at it on his time scale.

Well done for ending the conversation and for all the validation you did. There's not much else you could do in this sitch. It's like having a kid around sometimes - you know, the temper tantrum when they don't get their own way .

I do have one concern - "no more cake eating or beatings". I'm hoping you don't mean that last word literally. If you do, then you need to protect yourself. You have to do everything possible to protect yourself and remove yourself from a harmful situation. I spent 18 months working with a police force and saw enough women who continually made excuses despite the physical danger and who stayed in the situation.

[MyNewStrength]

NQ, the "....beatings" comment was being used figuratively. I equated how he "traps me" into these crazy discussions as "beatings". Maybe not a good analogy.

Yes, my H pushes my buttons. The talk on finances is not something I really want to have with him until I have an opportunity to review myself with his input. I am still not sure that I want to live in this house where we both has "sweat" equity built in - we spent years together building this house and the memories may be too much for me to handle if the M ends in D.

I am not sure if I should start fresh with a new place or keep this house that I love. He is indifferent wanting to get his equity out now by forcing me into these discussions.

MORNING UPDATE
Before he left this morning, he greets me with a big good morning and kiss and tells me that he made an appt with an IC for next week and that he is "keeping an open mind because he did a lot of thinking about us." Then he says, "Hun, can you text me and let me know when you will be home?" What happened between last night and this morning? Of course, I don't have any expectations. But if counseling will help him figure out his life, then good for him.

BTW, I have not called him or text his phone in almost 2 weeks. He is calling and texting me...I don't make myself available.

[Not Quitting]

That's the roller coaster for you. You're going to see changes like that from day to day, or even from hour to hour.

All you can do is hang on, keep focussing on yourself and let him figures things out for himself.

Well done on letting him iniate all contact. Keep it up.

Stay strong.

[TryingToDo180]

I agree with NQ here. I get a similar roller coaster with my H, he's up and down all the time. I bet you're wondering what is he playing at. I know I would be.
When your H is tired, try and say every time I don't want to talk to you when your tired, drunk, in a bad mood, etc. Talk to me when you're in a better mood and you can talk to me like a civilised adult. I know you've already been doing this, but reinforce it every time he speaks to you in that way
Keep on doing what you've been doing, you're doing really well

[AnotherStander]

He is being calm and yes, I validated UNTIL he said he was trying to be fair because it would work to my advantage... Well I saw this as being condescending... so against all rules I learned here, I backslid...

I told him that he could not speak to me like I could not understand and that unlike him, I was faithful, loyal, and committed. He was quiet and then said that he could never talk to me because I was always combative...

That is NOT a backslide! You showed some backbone, you calmly let him know he can't just push you around or treat you like a kid!! You did GREAT!

Well, I did not yell, or call him names (unlike him towards me). I said we were both adults and should begin interacting that way. I said that I was sorry for his unhappiness and if there were something that I could do as his friend (not his wife) to change it, I would do.

Really, this is great stuff! You remained calm, you were firm and direct with him, and you even did some validating (sorry for his unhappiness). This is exactly what you should strive for in ALL your convo's with him!

I ended the conversation because I felt as though I did our M and me a disservice in just saying anything or "confronting", but I was exhausted by how he treated me.

Nooooooo, you didn't do anything wrong! You established some boundaries- you let him know you're not just going to roll over whenever he wants to be nasty. Well done!

[MyNewStrength]

Thank you AS.

Yes, I was concerned that I over stepped with him, but I cannot let him treat me unkindly without saying anything.

Not sure what I will go home to tonight, but since I am going out with the girls tomorrow night, I was planning on going home and staying in, but I think my H is also doing the same thing. For the life of me, I am not sure why he has been home every night now for the last 2 weeks (even this past weekend). He has not used his telephone from what I have seen and he just sits in front of the TV. weird, or is he speaking the OW at work or from his car?

I just want to avoid by accosted by him tonight, so I think I will go home, cook dinner, and then go to my room to read and get a good night's rest.

[JayMan]

Good plan! Don't worry too much about what you don't know - I tend to do the same thing. Wondering where someone is, what they're doing, who they're with, is torture and usually just makes you feel worse.

[TryingToDo180]

I agree JonF, especially as my H is currently staying in a hotel with goodness knows who. He may have gone over on his own, I hope so anyway I would hate for my suspicions to be true.