Learning compassion

[25yearsmlc]

as we read along, let's not forget the title of this thread is about Learning Compassion...

Lanzo, I spent most of my marriage giving in to her and avoiding conflict. this was a 180 off me. i thought I could learn to assert myself without these issues escalating.

HOW will you learn these? By reading books and coming here?

Rock, you need NEW BEHAVIORAL TOOLS for that. Clearly. So What type of professional help are you getting in order to gain these tools?

Every time I have tried, however, it ends up escalating into a mess. I don't know how to establish boundaries with her. I really thought I took a reasoned approach on this one.


No thinks they're taking an "unreasonable/crazy' approach. We ALL justify our positions b/c we have our own perspectives. You need a new point of view AND NEW TOOLS.

Do you disagree with that statment?


The money isn't that important. It is such a small fraction of the bills that I am already paying. It is the disrespect. Once I give in to a bully who is willing to use my kids to manipulate me, where does it end?


I thought this fee was for your daughters...

So if THEY are the priority, but YOU FEEL disrespected by your wife

then denying your daughters' wants or needs accomplishes what? The feeling of being disrespected by your wife and the wounded pride that is glowing, is your focus here...(again).

I don't think that is where it ought to be.


Yes, I could just pay the bills and avoid the conflict. I am just not sure that is the right thing to do.

Rock, you DO know the right thing to do.

But your wounded pride is being confused with self respect.

Put the girls first, KNOW that you did so through out this (or tried to) and you'll always be able to hold your head high.

As it is so far, there is a lot of disagreement about how you exposed her on fb (but "only to close friends") and involved your daughters and other people and told the elders at your church a private matter

and throughout, the only "insights" you have worked on are more about how yu won't be mistreated again, than about changing any negative traits of yours.

Like you "won't be a victim" is saying something humble. IT's not.

You WANT to be a good man. I believe that counts for a lot.

But that undertone of self righteousness shines thru. And it seems to be that you might have an inability to really own your role in things...

I say that b/c you spend a lot of time telling us your unchanged viewpoint, and worse, that you would do the same things again, which frightens me. If more than one rational person told me they thought I had blown an event or had the wrong approach, or that I ought to double check my motivation. I WOULD.

I would not continue to defend myself b/c I'd be FORCED (in my world I'd feel forced b/c I would value that input and have to really dig thru it)

to examine my beliefs and motivation. When someone disagrees with my position even after I explain it thoroughly, then it's NOT that they don't understand it, or that they don't have good morals.

If more than one disagrees with me, then the Chances are much higher that my ego or my pain is blinding me.

How could I be so stubborn to say that I'd do the "same thing again" if people who read my thread, ALL pretty much think I was wrong?
But that's your position on several things.

So give that some brave honest evaluation. Try not to entrench yourself....ever...
B/C if I, 25, had it all to do over again, there are a TON of things I would do differently.

THAT^^ statement is what I'd be telling my daughters and wife, If I were you...it's not doormatish and it shows you do see your role in this. AND it shows you can change!

But you're still making her wrong WHILE wanting to do the right thing...SO

tell me (or just dig DEEPER and ask yourself)

if you want to be SEEN as doing the right thing,

or you want to DO the right thing even if no one is watching.


Truly putting your children first will always be the the right place to start. Make sure they KNOW they are loved by both parents


YES it's your job to reassure them of their mother's love too, b/c she may not be able to do so.
She may be having a type of nervous breakdown OR

be so fed up with her needs not being met that she thinks she has nothing to give... Regardless

Every parent has to do this reassuring for the absent parent when the kids feel hurt by the other parent, or abandoned or neglected.

I know I did and it came fairly easy b/c I SO wanted my d's to feel loved by their dad even when (or especially when)he was gone far away.

There is no way for your d's Not to feel rejected on the surface. So if you just nod and agree that you are ALL victims, (b/c you "don't want to LIE") then it hurts and damages them MORE...

AND their need to feel maternal love is more important than what you think is "the truth".

There is a song you ought to listen to, the lyrics are compelling, although directed at a LBwife...it's called "Because," by Kelly Clarkson...

Hang in there Rock. Wanting to be a man of strength and honor, will always help you in life, now and later.

It was/is the motto of some of the truly heroic men I've met here on these boards..."faith is believing" and "faithful husband" and Was2Sad are but a few...

if you ever find their threads, read them.

Faithful husband DID reconcile with his wife and they seem pretty darn happy. They moved to Texas.
FIB (=faith is believing,) did Not reconcile but is pretty happily divorced and he and his ex get along a lot better now than when they were married. She was very challenging for him...

and Was2 ended up separating. But his r's with his children deeply improved...ALL the men said their r's with their children improved and the trauma/ordeal made them better dads...and later on, better h's. There is a silver lining but it's mostly what WE make ourselves.

Good luck!

Strength and Honor, my friend.