Wife privileges reinstated, back in my own bed!

[mamabird]

Hello again,
Sorry I can't be more consistent with my posts. I wish I had more time to spend on this stuff, but the good news is I'm spending more time enjoying my family!

Since the last time I posted, my family and I went on a 10 day RV trip. Miraculously we got along well for most of it... towards the end there was some fighting but it wasn't bad for 4 people being cooped up in a one room house for 7 days (the last 3 we were in a hotel in Vegas).

Things continue to move two steps forward and one back. In addition to all of the BS that I've detailed above, I still don't feel that my H is 100% committed. He is getting there though.

What's come up lately for us is the idea of acceptance. I have a very strong personality and I can come across as brash a lot of time. My H does not love this quality. I keep wondering why he married me if it was such a problem for him but that's besides the point because we're married now. Anyway, one of the themes for him is that because I'm more directed and focused and less mushy gushy (I act more like a guy in a way) that I'm not being loving. I have been working on "softening" but I'm still me at the core. MC said that H seems "hopeless" about it sometimes - as in, he doesn't really want to be married but he doesn't want to be D either. It is very confusing for me.

Another thing that has come to light is that I tend to be anxious a lot of the time and it manifests as agitation. I "flip out" basically. When H thinks I am "angry" it's really not anger, it's my anxiety taking over. MC suggested medication. I agreed to look into it. H said that was "very personally meaningful" which I do not understand at all. He has been pushing meds on me but more in the context of "you are broken and need fixing". I kind of take offense that he would say that but I haven't mentioned that to him.

In actuality I have the anxiety and I have also been somewhat depressed lately. My IC says that it's probably just my body "letting go" after years of crap starting with breast cancer 7 years ago, and moving on through a horrible abusive work situation, all this M stuff, moving, financial problems, etc. Although things have improved a lot in the M, I still feel sad about my work situation. The place is a mile from home and I get home very early (4:30 or 5), but ironically, it's sub optimal because the hours don't really allow me to drop the kids off or pick them up at school. So now I'm alienated from this school community that has been a big part of our lives for 4 years. That plus it's not very fulfilling work. I feel very underutilized. At least it's just a contract position.

Anyway, that said, I'm definitely considering the meds. I just want to feel normal. It's not like I'm hiding under the covers all day, but it's hard to feel happy, and I don't like that. I am sure that I could be a better mother and wife if I felt better in general. I feel very blah most of the time these days. I'm missing the social interactions and friends that I used to have at my old job. This would include OM1. At the end of the day we were very close friends and I just miss having someone like that in my life (male or female).

I'm trying to GAL a little bit - one thing I've noticed is that people who really are going through D GAL hardcore - how many divorced people do I know who are avid triathaloners? (Many). Even my mom started running marathons when she and my dad divorced. I hate running but I've gotten into making jam and putting other stuff in jars. I have sauce going at this very moment. GAL is hard though when you are trying to be around for the family.

One other thing that is worth mentioning... one of my H's good friends is going through D right now - last summer when H and I were having our issues, the wife of that couple was very supportive, so I have tried to be supportive of her. She is withdrawn and doesn't want to be touched so to speak. My H is still good friends with the husband and watching all this D drama unfold has helped him solidify in his mind that he is "highly motivated" to avoid D. H has been on a sabbatical from his job for the last month and he has cleaned out the garage, hung pictures, is building a shed and has nearly fixed my sink in the bathroom. I am so proud of him for doing all that. He even surprised me with the sink (it has been broken for a year). H was not very handy when we got married so he has come a very long way.

So, I guess that on balance, this is a pretty good update. Will visit again soon...