Bright, I really don't know anymore. I don't think he would have left a message had it been a pocket dial. I was just surprised. It's been five months since we've talked on the phone. I just realized that I had to count that out on my fingers, making some progress!
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Didn't we just discuss how the connection is too strong for them to sever, a safe port in their self imposed storm? LOL
Yes, NLT - we did! Did we send a cosmic message do you think? I literally have done nothing with regard to the sitch - all up to him right now. But too funny!
Hey Nero (have you opened a new thread?) I don't think you are wrong. Assuming he meant to call, it was a chink in the armour. It is not as if we are in constant (or any!) contact at all. Isn't it funny that your H won't leave messages? This MLC thing really does bring out some strange patterns. I wonder if there was no message because there would be a loss of control over the situation (or a perceived loss of control)? Heaven forbid I call when he's with the GF.
Thanks Snodderly. You always have a good perspective. Parent is doing great but makes a grumpy patient. Sent the cat over there for company. Didn't go over too well, WHOOPs! I am actually doing fine. Managed to make it three weeks without any funerals or someone landing in Hospital (knock on wood) and I am catching up at work which has been my biggest challenge through all of this.
I am getting better and better and that is why I am so wary of these contacts. I have now become too cynical that he called to tell me that he really misses me, he was all wrong and will make it up to me. The worst part is, even if he did say those things, I wouldn't believe him. How sad is that?
So the vote is for deliberate phone call to touch base. I think Snodderly, you may be on to something regarding the long weekends. Last long weekend was the last text exchange.
I don' have any expectations that he will or won't call again. In fact, it occurred to me that if and when I do speak to him, I have as much to say about MY changes as he does his. I may not tell him about my changes but I will know about them and that makes me feel more in control. It feels too soon to talk to him, if that makes any sense at all.
It does make sense that you feel it is too soon to talk to your SO. I have the same feelings. I’ve been asked by my friends and GFs why I don’t talk to my H and tell him what I feel. I keep telling them that this is not time yet. I need to feel really strong and confident when I do this kind of talk.
You might be right about why he didn’t leave the message when he called. It does sound like he wants to be in control and didn’t want you to call him back.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Hey Portia, you know what -- when you DO hear from your SO again, you can tell him that all of your changes have been good too And YOU will not be lying, like he probably was!
Are you doing any fun GAL activities besides sic-ing your cat on your poor parent? It sounds like a great idea to me, sort of a therapy cat!
Linda
Me 65, Ex 64 M 38 y 2 adult S, 4 G-Kids MLC 11/07 BD 12/09 D 3/14 Dating nice guy 7/14 Engaged to nice guy 12/17
You know, just as MLCers have timelines, it seems maybe we LBSers have them as well. You and I are both approaching our 1 year anniversary and I can relate so very very much to "where you are" in your posts.
I am getting better and better
I don' have any expectations
I have as much to say about MY changes as he does his
^^ these are GREAT things to hear from you!! I am so very happy that your heart is beginning to heal.
Take care of yourself!!
~ Jaye ~
Me 46 H 56 M 22 yrs S22, D20, Twin Ss18
You teach people how to treat you by what you allow. What you stop. And what you reinforce. ~~~~~~~ A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.
I have not had much time to post lately on my own thread. Has not been much to update. Life just gets in the way.
I am a little embarrassed that everyone was congratulating me on my declarations of having lots of changes. I actually meant to say that until I have made those changes I don't know if I am ready to speak to xSO.
I have evolved since BD just over a year ago. Who does not change because of this experience? I am speaking of more general changes, things like renovations should be done and projects that I was going to complete. Given all the so called changes he has made I don't want him to see me as stuck in the same place. I know he won't have a clue just how far I have come since BD. I want to know, even if I don't say it that or if he asks directly that those projects are done etc. There is little sense in trying to explain that it took me six months to breathe again.
I am not sure I am making any sense but I am so resentful of all these changes of his. His great life without me. All for the good, he said.
I have not heard a peep from him and I may not. But I did assuage my curiosity. At a time I knew he would be working I called his home number. I blocked mine before calling. Every suspicion I had was true. His number was out of service. I am guessing he moved. Don't know if he moved in with OW. But apparently I am not worth the effort of telling. This would have had to be in works for some time.
MLC. The death of love by a thousand cuts.
I am so angry at him and so resentful of her. She gets a shoulder to lean on and support going through her divorce and I have had only me. Now my parent is going back in hospital for a couple of weeks to await surgery. Again.
I do not want to be angry or bitter but right now I am.
Portia, if your SO is a usual MLCer he will not be having as wonderful a time as you think. It is a common mistake that the ex partners of MLCers make. Note, maybe someone should start a thread on mistaken assumptions that the partners of MLCers make!
If someone tells you how great life is, it isn't always true. And what kind of person tells that to someone they have abandoned.
Honestly Portia, just imagine if you had genuinely fallen in love with someone else, how sorry you would feel for your SO, how much you would try and soften the blow? Would you really really contact him to tell him how great your life was?
We get sucked into their psychological reality. They try and gaslight us into thinking that we are defective for not taking this 'well'. My xh now claims that I am rewriting history, in claiming that he hurt me when he left. Fortunately a good friend reminded me how devastated I was!
These people are very manipulative, very damaged. You may go numb for a bit, but after that you will get feelings back, and that is when we start to thrive again.
Portia, You have made great strides in moving forward. You've had a lot on your plate in the last year or so. Your SO walked away, a parent passed away and another parent is in the hospital. All of these events have changed you, i.e., made you even stronger and more independent. Don't think that we haven't noticed how Portia has grown through all of this.
"Assumptions" is a word that many make when the MLCer is circling earth. I agree w/Bea that no one in their right mind would call and tell the person that they left that they have made changes, etc. He's not only trying to convince you that things are going well, but himself. They do love to gaslight and paint a rosy picture so that we will think that they are doing well. They do not want to admit to us or themselves that they are living a very dull, depressed existence.
About his phone, maybe he has opted to cancel the home line and is using only his cell. A lot of people are doing that to cut down on expenses. We don't know that for sure, but the answer will come in time.
As for him contacting you...he will when he has a moment of clarity once again and requires some ego kibbles from you.
I can understand being angry and bitter, but you will need to find a way to release those feelings. You do not want to remain stuck.
On to another subject...how is your parent doing? What about you? Did you take any time for yourself this summer? What projects are you planning to complete. Portia, it's time to take care of yourself a little bit and leave your SO flapping in the wind.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
“If someone tells you how great life is, it isn't always true. And what kind of person tells that to someone they have abandoned.” - Bea, this is very valid point.
Portia, I’m too going through the anger. Sometimes I think I’m angry at myself. How could I still be thinking about H and having some hopes for the future when he’s been hurting me so much. It seems that he has no clue that his actions hurt people around him, he is only thinking about himself. I’m angry at myself for not letting it go after 15 months.
I hope you feel better. (((((hugs)))))
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Bea, I could not agree with you more. In the last year plus I have said that very phrase. What kind of a person [fill in the blank]? God knows I was not perfect but when we decided to "break up" when we headed off to graduate school at opposite ends of the country, I made sure I kept in touch, I kept him informed and he had an open invitation to visit any time. He got so upset when he saw me again, I held him until he felt better. Obviously the break up didn't stick but I guess at the very beginning of all of this, I just could not wrap my head around how he so seemingly easily he walked away.
You are right, I don't know what his life is like. I know mine will be fine.
Snodderly, I think you should tell us to put a dollar in a jar every time you find out you are right. Out if the blue, he texted me this afternoon. Just the generic how are you. I don't have my phone on during meetings and I haven't answered yet. Wow, less than a month. But I am in a better place than I was two days ago. The anger seems to hit me like a bullet sometimes. Thank you for saying you noticed my growth. I am glad you can't see my occasional temper tantrum. 😄
But on the whole I am doing really well. I am entering a busy season at work for which I am grateful. The deadlines tend to keep me motivated. I thought that I would become a worse workaholic than I was but nope, concentration is at a minimum. Parent is doing well even if he the worst patient on the planet. The hospital will call us when he needs to go in. I am brushing up on my cribbage game.
Bright, I love that your situation is so similar to mine (not that I don't wish so much better for you!!) I just mean that I sometimes feel crazy to still be missing someone after all that has happened even as I am fuming. And that I have no idea still what role, if any, I would allow him to play in my life if he ever did start contacting me frequently.
So I am trying not to think about it. And do what Snodderly says. Keep me on track and my goals in sight.
Now that I am in a better frame of mind I will make sure to catch up with everyone. I try not to contaminate others PMA when I am having an off day.
Now unless I'm mistaken, it's not even a holiday and he contacted you! Now that's progress. LOL Something is up. As Snodderly says, wait quietly and it will be revealed to you.
My opinion is that he isn't having a good time out there in la la land and he needs a connection to a solid stable person.
Nice to see you here at more reasonable hours. Those late nights are killing me. I've made a vow that I will get to bed before midnight every night.
You sound like you're doing well. Come here if you need to blow off some steam or need a boost in your PMA.
Me:57H:62 M:34T:35 2S,2D (grown nlah) BD:09/2012 visits M ow EA/PA?:10/2012 H moves out 06/2013
"Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace." -Dalai Lama
And YOU will not be lying, like he probably was! 
