In reading your posts, I wonder if your H and maybe Bug's as well needs to find a way to forgive themselves... if coming back also means facing the hurt their actions created and their own frailties.. then it takes true strength and courage to find the path back.. perhaps that is what stands in the way of intimate feelings.. the inability to face oneself and the other honestly.
or maybe, otoh, they just dont know what the hell they are doing...lol
Me(f): 51 W: 41 DP:8 M:3 T:10 "W not happy" 7/11 D final: 8/13
Ruby, I agree with you that your H needs to feel the absence of the connection with you sometimes. He is still trying to figure himself out. He needs to do a little more work on himself. Maybe it is good that he feels that you don’t care when you give him some space (personally I think that this is not what he actually feels.) He needs to be afraid of losing you.
I agree with what needgrace said too, it takes some strength and courage to come back to M.
It looks like you are on a very delicate path right now. I wish you all the patience and wisdom.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Your H wants to find his way out but is not yet sure how to get there. Or maybe, he does...but is still afraid to do it wholeheartedly because of the courage it takes. Time, my dear friend.....
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TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
"In reading your posts, I wonder if your H and maybe Bug's as well needs to find a way to forgive themselves... if coming back also means facing the hurt their actions created and their own frailties.. then it takes true strength and courage to find the path back.. perhaps that is what stands in the way of intimate feelings.. the inability to face oneself and the other honestly."
Wow, grace, I think you've possibly described my H too!!!!
M- 18 T-21 S-14,11 & 10 BD 6-18-2012 (OW-EA) H moved out 11-3-2012 10-5-13 Me- I want a divorce. I want to move on w my life. 11-25-13 Jointly filed.
"In reading your posts, I wonder if your H and maybe Bug's as well needs to find a way to forgive themselves... if coming back also means facing the hurt their actions created and their own frailties.. then it takes true strength and courage to find the path back.. perhaps that is what stands in the way of intimate feelings.. the inability to face oneself and the other honestly."
Wow, grace, I think you've possibly described my H too!!!!
M- 18 T-21 S-14,11 & 10 BD 6-18-2012 (OW-EA) H moved out 11-3-2012 10-5-13 Me- I want a divorce. I want to move on w my life. 11-25-13 Jointly filed.
In our first mc session,amongst all the lies, one great line came out....." I don't want to have to do all the work that the rebuilding of trust requires" .
I wonder if that line applies to your WAS as well
ME 38 W 37 T18 M5 D3 BD 1/7/13 PA Conf 2/11/13- Ongoing 2nd simultaneous affair Confirmed 4/19/13 W gets APT and begins transition out 5/29/13 First mediation appt 12/19/13
At least he's honest with you! I can see my H saying that he is not happy but doesn't like to be alone. I think that is part of why he hasn't initiated anything. I think it is also the easy road and allows them to not do any "work" on themselves or the M.
You told him that you are giving him space and that you do care. Do you think that is enough? I think that if you are going to reach out, you have to do it without expectations and prepare yourself for some of the stuff you said above about no flirty texts, etc.
Bug is right, where is the instruction manual?
M44 H57 D17 (special needs) M 18 yrs Bomb 7/2/12 Still living together
NG- I think it is very hard to go back, especially when you've been through a couple of GFs and were pretty much absent from your kids for 4 months. Honesty and courage needed indeed!
Whether he can settle his own feelings about this, who knows? He is looking for that "I've fallen in love, this person is my world, I crave to see her, she makes me happy all the time, how wonderful", at the beginning relationship.
He had this with MG and I know he feels that this is what love should be. One day, not anytime soon, I will remind him that he felt this way with me once at the beginning. That the fact that he has, by his own admission, tanked two relationships for me, would do anything for me, am his best friend and intimacy is not an issue, may indicate that...hello? This is also love You can't spend the rest of your life chasing that high.
PS- Ya. I don't want to do all the work either lol! Since we are not there yet I won't need to address his willingness to do the work on a relationship, boundaries etc, but I will. Right now I have come as far I as I am able, not up to me anymore in terms of our relationship.
GTO- we already know our Hs are brothers from another mother...it's like dieting. When you finally have that piece of gorgeous looking pastry, or you are a kid and you soooo want that toy (cuz your life will be complete) it is never as good as you think it is. That toy doesn't make you a different, cooler kid, and often you see your kid going back to the one favourite toy he has...;)
Hopeful- thanks. Honesty is good, but I don't want to be the "because I didn't want to be alone" fallback. I'm gonna want the whole deal
Yes. I am prepared for the space thing etc. I am about to get insanely busy. That will help
