If it helps Grey, I have friends outside this board who have gone through similar. It took years. One guy I work with: his W of close to 20 years did the same mine did at about the same time. Except she didn't marry the other guy I ran into him the other day. They are still married (this is about 6 years later) and seem to be doing fine. It happens, although people don't often talk about it. He does to me because he knows me and we went through similar at the same time. They both did some heinous things to each other during that time. Very destructive at the time. Perhaps that was needed though...
To be honest, I doubt seriously my ex is happy with her choices. Not unhappy enough to change them, but not happy either. She still struggles with whatever she struggled with back then and the mess she created. I can see now how it works - you do something you know is wrong and so starts the cycle of guilt, remorse, anger, etc. To make yourself feel better, you blame the other person. After a while, that becomes your dumping ground for anything you can think of. You don't even feel you deserve to be happy if you're not careful. And you begin to wonder if you were right about your assertions. If you can remember them. Many do not. It's more about today and now, vs. then.
If you can't insulate yourself from the attacks and blame, then you'll have a terrible time with this. Really. You'll internalize it and find later that you're still chewing on things that she has long since moved past as irrelevant or something she said out of anger.
If you continue, you'll need to figure out how to insulate yourself from her attacks. If you don't continue, you'll have to figure out how to insulate yourself from her attacks. Believe me when I tell you, you'll need to figure out how to insulate yourself from her attacks no matter how you proceed.
Only you can figure out when you're "done", but I highly advise you to be "done" and not just feel or say that for a day or a week before you determine you are.
Peace, AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
I ran into him the other day. They are still married (this is about 6 years later) and seem to be doing fine. It happens, although people don't often talk about it. He does to me because he knows me and we went through similar at the same time. They both did some heinous things to each other during that time. Very destructive at the time. Perhaps that was needed though...