Sorry HS, I inadvertantly posted before I was done. Anyway, I'm hoping all the changes with work, her schedule and proximity will be factors in the slow down or demise of this A.
It must have been extremely convenient for the two of them to carry on the A in their previous environment. Who knows, maybe it's just a temporary slowdown.
I don't know. It's all just too much sometimes!
Vince B M=10 yrs T=13 yrs M45 / H 44 2 Boys 5 & 8 D Day: 7/16/13
Do you have any children Starsky? That's my biggest concern.
Yes, four. At the time of my wife's affair, they were D20, D18, S16 and S12. They were the primary reason(s) why I fought as hard as I did, and I feel very fortunate, blessed and thankful -- for THEIR sake -- that my wife and I were able to save our marriage. We have since celebrated our 50th birthdays, our 25th wedding anniversary, and the birth of our first grandchild, a little girl now GD3. She's doing a sleepover at our house tomorrow night and she is the apple of my eye.
I'm a little torn, because you are strongly encouraging that I lay out boudaries and hold her accountable for the A, but you end with "(please note I am not advocating exposure here, as that is against DB principles)".
I'm confused. If DBing and MWD does not encourage exposing the A, what option does that leave a LBS, but to DB and GAL and make positive changes?
No, DB does not advocate exposure. For me, it worked, but there are two very strong schools of thought on it. I was only referring to lots of different things you can do between "Bo-Peep" (you know, "leave them alone, and they'll come home, wagging their tails behind them") and going scorched-earth.
Have you given any thought to the idea that your wife may know that you know, and what implications that would bring? Because I can almost guarantee that she does.
What type of things, specifically, can I do between "Bo-Peep" and scorched Earth? If she doesn't know I'm aware of the A, how can I hold her accoutable for any of the A related behavior without exposing the A?
Again, I'm puzzled!
Throw me a bone, here.
Vince B M=10 yrs T=13 yrs M45 / H 44 2 Boys 5 & 8 D Day: 7/16/13
To add to Starsky's post, I, too, was successful with exposure, but didn't do it for almost two and a half years because it wasn't advised. For me, it was the shakeup that my sitch needed to finally get through.
In my case, I did not go to everyone with the affair- I only exposed to the OM's wife. They have kids, I have kids, and I didn't want my family hating my W for her mistake. I went to the OM's wife because he wouldn't let my wife end the EA, he kept coming at her, challenging why she didn't leave me as she said she didn't love me anymore. I needed his W to help with ending it (she had no idea why her marriage was falling apart- he lied to her about having another woman in his life).
If I had to do it over again (not that I ever want that pain again!) I would have told the OM's wife right from the off.
What specific changes are you working on in yourself? What do you think the OM provides for your wife that you weren't providing in the M? What do you think that you can provide her that he wouldn't be able to (certainly being the father of her children falls in her)?
" I've struggled all my life with certian personality issues that push people away and I have finally chosen to address them for me and my marriage.
Because my wife has pleaded with me over the years to make changes and get help it's important to me that she sees that I am taking her concerns to heart. Granted, they are much past due, but I am listening to her wishes."
DD, what are her complaints in the M? What are the changes you are working on? I apologize if you already have stated these.
Just to clarify your opening post, is this 2nd A in your M? Did you confront her in her 1st A? Did she know you knew, how did it ended?
Just thinking out loud here, but if this happened before even if this current A fizzles out you might be back here 3yrs or so from now. I think your W needs to realize that the next time she has an A that you will not be in the picture nor that you will tolerate any A. I understand you can not control her actions but you have a choice to be part of it or not.
That being said, obviously there are some comaints in the M that is driving her to the arms of the OM. What do you think they are specifically?
Newman
me40; W43 M18; T~20 D18; S13 & S3 bomb 5/9/11 EA busted 4/30/12; 9/4/12; 4/29/13; 6/10/13 same OM
Separated 4/1/14
"Even a flicker of light will shine through darkness-12/25/2012"....better days ahead.
Thanks HS, for continuing to share your experience. I really aapreciate it. It's tough waiting a day or so, due to my account being on moderation, so when I am able to finnally get the feedback, I really apreaciate it!
I can understand why you waited 2 years before confronting your W. I've only been aware of this A since July 2013. I'm really struggling with which path to take. The MWD "Divore Remedy" path, or confrontation. Both you and Starsky had success with confrontation. That's encouraging. But the dynamic within your marriages may have been very different from mine.
Since my wife worked with OM for a couple years, I have alot of knowledge about his personal business.
The OM is an hispanic laborer who had an estranged wife in Mexico whom he brought over here this summer. Before he did that, he had a girl friend living with him in a house on the same street where my family and I live.
So, he got an apartment for himself and the girlfriend, while he put the wife in the house with their two young sons. He is only staying married to her for the immigration purpose and he has since kicked the now ex-girlfriend out of the apartment and is supposedly exclusively with my wife.
My point here is that I can't really go to anyone and reveal what he is doing, because he's not invested in any other relationship. However, I'm sure his "wife" wouldn't approve of it. She takes walks down our street and if my wife and I are outside, she'll stop and say hello, because she is familiar with my wife as she knows her "husband" and my wife worked together.
I'm sure she would be very surprised to know that her "husband" and my wife are involved. But, I don't know how telling her would impact the affair relationship since they are estranged already.
The specific changes I have been woring on are contolling my anger, criticisms, judgements. I'm not questioning or challenging everything my wife says or does. I'm excercising great patience with my children. I'm happily completing projects around the house and assiting my wife any way I can.
I'm also truly listening to her. When she tells me a concern or an experience she's going through, I don't try to fix it for her. In stead, I validate her feelings and acknowlege her concerns.
Before I stopped snooping, I saw in text/emails betwen her and OM that my W made statements like: "that's why I love you. You understand everything". Or, "That's why we are so good together, we both set goals, work hard and if we hit obsticales, we overcome them and succeed".
He is also providing the typical compliments about her beauty,that she's the most importanmt thing in his life, how much he loves her, how he's going to take care of her...etc.
Considering the current passionate state of their relationship, if I tried to provide those things, I think they would fall on deaf ears or actually bother her.
This is my bggest struggle! What can I provide her that he cannot? Other than the fact that I am the father of our children, for the past 2 1/2 months I've been "father of the year" and "hunsdand of the year". But that doesn't seem to hold a candle to the infatuation chemicals/hormones and affair fog!
I think it is just such a relief and escape for her that she is overcome by the guy. I mean we have had a really tough past 4 years. She has shut off emotionally to me and quit.
I feel stuck! What are your suggestions?
Vince B M=10 yrs T=13 yrs M45 / H 44 2 Boys 5 & 8 D Day: 7/16/13
