The View from the Blanket VI

[bustingout]

Thank you my dear friends. Jerseybeachmama thanks for coming by. :-)

I feel more and more comfortable with where I am.

H and I had another chat about the kids yesterday and it was not as smooth. He started feeling uncomfortable and began shutting down. I think (mind reading) that he was feeling too much guilt. I think I also got too heated up. I really try to keep the kids and the sitch separate issues..its hard. I do for the most part however yesterday the lines where getting blurred. I stopped listening when he said he didnt want to talk anymore (was getting too close to the sitch), and before I could STFU, he hung up. This was frustrating. I texted him and said do not hang up on me again.

Anyway...left it...

Today we spoke, he apologised for hanging up, I thanked him. I apologised for pushing the conversation. He said thank you. Told him what I had been TRYING to say yesterday which was basically that I understand his intentions to better the R with the kids and I support that and I just wanted to empahsise that when it comes to the kids, they need consistency. He needs to be committed to this if he really wants to change the dynamics of the R. Their needs to come first. He said he understood. It was a calm conversation. I said thank you for calling ' I am going to STFU now' and said bye.

I think he has the intentions and desire, but he cant get there yet. To get there I think means he needs to actually look inwards and reflect on the consequences of his actions and figure out WHY he has made the decisions he has made. If he did that, I would be there. But he wont so I am not there.

He blames me outwardly. I am his block to his happiness. I think (mind reading) he thinks that where we are today is all my fault because i did not rush out and agree to his ending of the M and agree that there was not way forward together and as a family. He wanted me to just agree and have some happy divorced family scenario (mind reading).

Anyway. In the midst of this I had written out several texts to him (not sending them) of things I probably would have said to him in the past. I had no intention of sending them. I would have in the past. They were sarcastic and provoking. I was glad that I could see that I dont want to be that person anymore. Nor did it feel like the authentic me anymore.

I dont see how H can come back. Mostly because he doesnt want to. He just doesnt see this family as an option for him. He is in a much different place now. A single man's place. He does not care for me anymore. Our friendship, marriage and love is a thing of his past that he has put to rest. He seems content to be a cameo father. He seems content to simply not have me in his life. I think he thought he could seperate me and the kids. The kids were so young when he left. I think it is impossible for that to happen when they are so young.

I am sad about this.

But I am happy with my life. I can accept and I can move forward.

Whats been hitting me more and more is that I am lonely. Not bored. But lonely. I miss sharing my life with someone that cares about how my day was. I miss having someone to share with the joys (and challenges) of being a parent. No one will ever care about my kids as much as their father should have.

So we keep pole dancing (BRIGHT!) and keep moving forward.

I am sore from playing tennis and golf and swimming. Getting a nice tan while doing so. Have a friend coming over tomorrow. The kids are watching a movie before bed. And I am at peace.