Surviving Separation

[Confluences]

Yes, the kids spend time with their father regularly. Also, we did start to touch on step-parenting in counseling a few months ago. The info was very helpful but my H took off so we never got back to the subject. I'm hopeful in time that we can get back to our counselor to learn more transition techniques.

In other news - I survived the weekend and my MIL is now on her way home.

That's good that you've discussed it prior to DBing..

Things are going well and a couple of things have happened that are starting to rebuild my confidence that my H may have a higher chance of sticking around this time.

1 - I brought up an unpleasant conversation (talking about how I wanted him to show a little more patience with my kids). He didn't head for the hills despite the less than positive topic as he has done in the past. Instead he actually came home the next day upbeat and exceedingly patient with my kiddos. It was a side of him I was very very happy to see.

For guys to listen in a sincere manner and actually adjust their approach to a situation in order to make you happy is a big, big deal. He's paying attention to your feelings.

2 - In the past my H has come around and made up right before visits from his mom only to leave the minute she went home. She left yesterday and he hung around and made us a very elaborate dinner last night. He was also extra snuggly last night so it doesn't seem like he has it in his mind to go anywhere with her departure.

More positive and encouraging signs that he's getting comfortable with reconciling but again, you gotta be cool.

Side note - Its funny because I try to let him take the lead on things and we haven't kissed at all despite laying beside each other for the past week or so. Then last night I kissed his cheek and this morning he gave me a kiss on the forehead. It reminds me so much of when we were first dating. As much as I hated being separated this summer and being in limbo is confusing, it is also kind of nice to get to know him all over again and go through this new/awkwardness that you only really feel when you first meet. Letting him pursue me has taken a great deal of patience/self control but it is a really great feeling when he does pursue. So for anyone out there still pursuing - stop you'll enjoy being pursued all the more when it finally happens.

That is really great statement and I know exactly what you mean with your feelings above. Hard work and patience eventually pays off but you got to keep playing it cool. I think it's easy to take on the role being pursued after you've had a significant time apart. You gotta eat that up right now because it validates all your efforts.

3 - He's still cooking like crazy for us and being very helpful. This is a big 180 from what I used to expect from him.

That is definitely a positive sign from a guy.....he's interested.

4 - He mentioned that he called a rental company about renting out his house. We haven't formally talked about him moving back (he's just sorta been staying here since we brought our newborn S home from the hospital) so it was interesting to see that his head was at after staying over for the past week and a half.

Very positive sign and odd topic for him to bring up but one that is an outward sign. Effort = Interest

5 - H asked if I wanted to go for a walk last night and we went for a lap around the block. This seems pretty trivial but my H always hits the gym during the day for 2 hours so its not like he needed the exercise and he usually hates being outside since he works outdoors. He just wanted to spend time with me and our S and that just felt really really nice... and really really NORMAL.

You gotta take advantage of those moments alone and use it as a way to show him you're willing to "do the dance" right now.

On my side of the fence I'm struggling a bit to figure out how to DB with a newborn. I'm still limited in my activity so I can't be out and about doing anything too exciting. To be honest I'm happy just sitting around staring at my baby all day while I recover (he's so cute) but it doesn't exactly make for great conversation when H is around. I'm trying to stay up on the news, read things online etc so I have conversation starters. I'm also pretty tired so there are times where I hit the wall and feel like my brain is in slow motion. This is to be expected when you are up at all hours of the night, its just tricky water to tread when you are also trying to save your marriage :p

I have been reading a really short book that has been a good compliment to DR/DB called "Hope for the Separated" by Gary Chapman (PhD Marriage Counselor and Minister). It has personal development exercises at the end of each chapter and really good/practical perspective on things from a Biblical/Christian perspective. I like the DB/DR books because they're non-denominational/religious-oriented and reality-driven solutions that work. This one will give you some additional avenues to explore for more perspective on your sitch.

Finally, you are doing really, really great right now. I was concerned in your last post that there may be some backsliding happening with your efforts (from his side, not yours) but that does not seem to be the case. He was probably glad to see his Mom leave and can now be more relaxed around you with her back home. She may have cussed him out in a side-bar conversation and lit a fire under his butt about being a responsible parent and most importantly a loving husband....you never know!

Keep us posted!