Me 10 months on. Positve agenda.

[Fartiltre]

I have and will continue to accept that the W is not going to contact me and will go back to reading a quote I placed near the computer a while ago. "Whether I worry or not has no effect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go and making changes can".

I need to keep reading that.........but better still.......start believing it and doing it.

Spot on, HWA!
Separate facts and emotions - accept the facts as present and control the emotions.

It isn't just no contact from W. It's the lack of knowing if I will be home or not next year. Will the solicitor contact me again, or is the W planning something else. Will I have a home to go to next year. The lack of being able to ride my motorbike or spend time with my friends from back home. Seeing my boys more regular.

You state these as fact’s – take a look at them once again!
I see no fact’s at all – I see you wondering and thinking and mostly about something you can’t do anything about! I understand you – I have been there several times in my life! This is not the fact of your life – this is your concerns!

List the fact’s, make the goals, get going and do measure the developments!

Rather than being in limbo with my M, I am in limbo with my life.

Spot on, again – most of us in here are feeling this! First step in solving this is realizing it and you just made that! Next one is to do something about it!

But for now my suggestion is:
Ride out the next 7 days and then see what HR brings! I understand why this is MAJOR!
Whether you get the transfer or don't, let's look into your concerns, when the answer comes.

I hope you get the books soon! You could in the future try the audio's. I download at audible and use my phone as player - works splendid but I do believe that these two books I will also need in writing. There's a lot of exercises in them and those I would love to have those in writing.

Beers and sunsets!

F

[hotwheelsaust]

Thanks for the understanding TTD180. The W is part of the equation, but there is so much more that is out of my control and that is why I struggle with some of the simpler things.
It isn't just the limbo with the W, but yes, the limbo with work and where I will live.
Bit by bit that will slowly be fixed, which will make the limbo with the W easier to work with.
Boy, I can do so much more GALing when I get back to the city. I am so looking forward to it.

[Fartiltre]

but there is so much more that is out of my control and that is why I struggle with some of the simpler things

But IMHO you still let these “out-of-control” issues control your emotions, your actions, your happiness and your mood
That’s an issue you need to address.

It isn't just the limbo with the W, but yes, the limbo with work and where I will live.

This has been the case for a long time, HWA! I hope you get it now!

Boy, I can do so much more GALing when I get back to the city. I am so looking forward to it.

I am not up to ruin your moods but do be careful about those expectations!

[tori2012]

Hotwheels, living with uncertainty does not really depend on your sitch. If you think about it, no one knows what life will bring in the future. Did you ever expect your W to behave the way she's behaving? Would you have ever imagined such thing? And yet, it happened. So instead of being afraid of what might or might not happen, see your future as an endless source of opportunities.

((((((((((()))))))))))

[T1000]

My reply to T1000, wasn't an emotional outpouring of grief or poor me, but simply a reply about having to do the performance for her each weekend (when T1000 gets the kids). I want to do the performance, but don't get those opportunities.

I have and will continue to accept that the W is not going to contact me and will go back to reading a quote I placed near the computer a while ago. "Whether I worry or not has no effect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go and making changes can".

I need to keep reading that.........but better still.......start believing it and doing it.

I don't feel like it's a performance for me anymore. I'm just me in her presence.

When it was in a way I did and did not want to see her.
No matter how well it went the opportunity for 180's was extremely small and if anything every interaction emotionally set me back. I would be fine mid week. get to W's on the Friday, slight interaction and my head would be full and swirling all weekend.

Not seeing W is hard and seeing W is hard. Just like when a WAS doesn't leave the home it has it's advantages and it's disadvantages.
Your disadvantage is you don't get the opportunity with W, your advantage is you don't have her constantly effecting you up and down.

You can't use your disadvantage but you can use your advantage. It's hard to appreciate it and not want the other that your not getting.


Having decent quotes around is a good idea. My only suggestion is change either the quote or where it is situated to see quite often.
You get so used to seeing it that you stop seeing.

[TryingToDo180]

I agree with you T about the advantages and disadvantages of having the WAS around all the time. It can get very confusing as you can see on my latest sitch! All I can say is I'm glad he's going away for the next few days and I'm off out on Saturday night with some friends which I am really looking forward to I just need to raise some cash now, lol.

[hotwheelsaust]

But for now my suggestion is:
Ride out the next 7 days and then see what HR brings! I understand why this is MAJOR! Whether you get the transfer or don't, let's look into your concerns, when the answer comes.

This is my next big step. If the transfer comes in, it will allow me a better chance in moving ahead with my personal improvements. It will allow me to be back at home with my sons, my long time friends, more GAL activities and my second love: my motorbike.

I hope you get the books soon! You could in the future try the audio's. I download at audible and use my phone as player - works splendid but I do believe that these two books I will also need in writing. There's a lot of exercises in them and those I would love to have those in writing.

Did get the audio as well as the book for the psycho cybernetics. Will have them on my ipod for the holidays.

but there is so much more that is out of my control and that is why I struggle with some of the simpler things

But IMHO you still let these “out-of-control” issues control your emotions, your actions, your happiness and your mood
That’s an issue you need to address.

You are right, these issues do control too much of my emotions, actions, happiness and mood. At this stage I know they affect me, but I don't really have an answer how to make it better. I try to be positive, but these things are in my face all day. I cannot even come home and relax, as I have a flatmate who is on my back about so much, who only wants to talk when it suits him.

It isn't just the limbo with the W, but yes, the limbo with work and where I will live.

This has been the case for a long time, HWA! I hope you get it now!
I do slowly get it, I have no control over these things, therefore I need to lose the emotion over it as well. I just want to move forward, but cannot, as the moving forward is me leaving this country town.

Boy, I can do so much more GALing when I get back to the city. I am so looking forward to it.

I am not up to ruin your moods but do be careful about those expectations!

I know it isn't going to be all smelling roses, going back home. It will though, allow a lot more choice of GALing, a lot more time with friends, a lot more face to face time with my sons.

Hotwheels, living with uncertainty does not really depend on your sitch. If you think about it, no one knows what life will bring in the future. Did you ever expect your W to behave the way she's behaving? Would you have ever imagined such thing? And yet, it happened. So instead of being afraid of what might or might not happen, see your future as an endless source of opportunities.

tori, no I didn't expect my W to behave the way she is. After such a long time married, she is an alien. I never in my wildest dream would have imagined her behaviour this way towards me or the boys. I will try to focus more on the endless source of opportunites, and have already started a list of some of them.

Your disadvantage is you don't get the opportunity with W, your advantage is you don't have her constantly effecting you up and down.

You can't use your disadvantage but you can use your advantage. It's hard to appreciate it and not want the other that your not getting.

Having decent quotes around is a good idea. My only suggestion is change either the quote or where it is situated to see quite often.
You get so used to seeing it that you stop seeing.

T1000, I really like that disadvantage/advantage advise. I will try to focus more on that type of thinking. Good idea about the quotes being moved also.

Thank you all. I know your comments are meaning well. I know I am still struggling with some of the basics after so long doing this. All I can say and do, is I will continue to try and improve myself. Slowly a lot of these comments and earlier comments are making more sense.

[TryingToDo180]

Good Idea JBM :)I never thought of setting up my own pinterest board

[hotwheelsaust]

Loved some of those quotes Jbmama. I also like daveswordsofwisdom

[JuneReN]

HWA there is a reason for living in the present. When you say that if "A" happens then I can do "B" you are putting expectations on a fictitious situation. The same thing with your wife...well if she did"A" I could do be, because "A" means this....

If I moved back I could "B"....

I used to be a big scenario person and always made up scenes in my head or would say if this happens then I will do this. Before I knew it, that time period had passed and I had done nothing except think about what I would do instead of taking the opportunity in front of me and living the day.

One thing at a time. Wait for HR, if you have no expectation of the outcome then you are good with whatever happens. This really is the foundation of DBing as well, I think. When the expectations are taken out of the equation, the end result is very different.