Big day for me today - I signed the loan paperwork. I need to provide a few more pieces of information regarding D's disability before they send the paperwork to underwriting. I think I will qualify for more than I thought I would, which made me happy.

I sent H an email and told him that I signed the documents and stood by what I told him last week, but that I needed to keep moving forward. I also told him that I appreciated that he was opening up to me a little bit more and that it helped me to understand where he is.

I then left to go to a conference for work that I will be at until Friday. I've met a few people that can help me with my new state work. I am finishing an online certificate that I need to teach, so my nights are full while I am here, which mean not much time for loneliness.

I've also thought about other boundaries for me with regard to H. I am trying to keep a PMA, but I realistically don't think he is capable of giving me the respect that I deserve and treating me the way I should be. I don't think I will ever be #1 again in his book, and I've felt that way for a while. The desire to feed his ego is too great. I wish I was wrong, but after 18 years, I feel like it will take a bolt of lightning.

I almost feel a little bit numb tonight. The fact that I am closer to freedom is giving me mixed emotions.

M44 H57
D17 (special needs)
M 18 yrs
Bomb 7/2/12
Still living together