I don't know how it works this way but our WAS S absolutely know when we are truly and sincerely detached and when we are not. It is uncanny to me how they can "smell" fake detachment from the real thing. The more you can really really make detachment real for you the better off you will be. I describe it now like I am almost an observer watching a play while standing in the wings of the theatre stage. This is how detachment feels for me and it has been slow in coming.
But the good news is, when you can "get there", it feels so much better because you are not as invested emotionally in an unhealthy way. It really does feel empowering. And when we start to experience and really live the benefits of real detachment, the message /vibe we send out is clear and transparent to all, including your W. She will see it when it is sincere. Only then will she begin to grapple with the reality of losing you. But you can't do it for her. You do it for you. And it has to be the real deal. Not pretend detachment.
Good luck. You can do this. It definitely is a process. Step by step. And in my experience you can't really frog leap any of the steps. Keep your focus and stay strong.
Left, thank you for stopping by my thread today. I read your latest posts, and sense a good deal of insecurity. Am I right? You're asking yourself what's wrong with you. The answer is, NOTHING. You might've made mistakes in the past, but that's all in the past. You're learning, and no matter what you do, you're worth as much as the so-called "best" person on the planet.
Focus on detaching but also on regaining your sense of self-worth and self-love. Loving yourself unconditionally is necessary for you to really love anyone else.
Hey, you have commented a couple of times on my thread and since we both have had a hard time "detaching" thought I would say something here. I read the following somewhere here on the boards and it really got my attention,
"It is WHEN the WAW begins to FEEL (notice the word FEEL or FEELINGS) that the BS may not only have let go, but that they MAY (notice the word may) have now lost the BS for good...
The betrayed spouse has their best chance when the wayward stops thinking "how do I get out of this" to..
"did I go too far? what have I done? maybe I have made a mistake"....
Those thoughts CAN NOT enter the WS's mind UNTIL they start to ponder that they may have lost the betrayed spouse.
As long as the WS still thinks you want them back it doesn't matter how much of GAL you do. Part of the GAL that is so important is the part where the WS WONDERS if you are emotionally finished.. finito.. done.. The only way to do that is with NO PRESSURE. NO PURSUIT. NONE.
There are numerous examples of men and women on this site that admit they have gotten a life, but still haven't shown or convinced the WS that maybe, just maybe they have lost you for good. THAT is the key of GAL that opens the door to reconcile. (which is the biggest key the BS doesn't do.)" This really got my attention, the fact is for you and I both, we just dont have any other options but to do exactly this go dark and let the chips fall where they might. I have been dealing with my sitch for 4 and a half months and to be honest with you I'm damn tired..Yes, I love my W but, I know now I and you cannot let our S take us down with them.
I have been doing a whole lot or reading on MLC, depression etc. and honestly most every WAS is suffering from some sort of deficency. Cadet has really helped me to understand this and all we can do is let our WA's go on their journey. There really is no other way and I see that now. Like you it doesn't make me feel any better. But you know something, I am forcing myself to see things for the way they are. And in the end you, me and everyone else will be just fine whatever our outcomes.
Okay lefty, I'm done spouting off lol...I just hope you know you are not alone with the way you feel. It aint gonna be easy but we just gotta do it.....
Tori, thank you for swinging by my thread too! Yes, I have struggled with insecurity and perfectionism for most of my life. My therapist is helping me with this, but I still have a way to go. My new appearance helps, definitely.
Trying to detach, trying to forgive myself, and trying to love myself.
I think I'm a pretty good guy and probably a pretty decent catch. There's some areas where I need improvement, but I'm working on them and they're nothing that can't be fixed.
I think the most difficult thing is trying to forgive myself.
2old's comments are spot on. My W was nasty and vindictive for weeks - then I started laughing with friends, going to baseball games, lost 15 pounds, looked good in my old clothes, etc.
Then W started asking where I was going with my buddies, wanted to see my stomach with the lost weight, then, later, came to see me and told me she loved me. We've kind of gone backwards from there, but even after the backwards, I lost 5 more pounds, had a great bonfire, had a football party, and today, W comes and says she wants time to think about things going forward. I had actually told her I was done, and ready to move on to a new chapter in life.
I am detached. I still feel funny in the pit of my stomach sometimes if I imagine the upcoming final divorce papers, but those are just fleeting moments rather than how they used to be all-consuming. Even when W said she wanted to think about some things, I was like "fine, talk to you next week", and I didn't get all giddy. If she blows it, I won't be depressed either.
But it's hard, hard work. I work hard at my job, go to D10's football practices and hang out with parents, I work out hard, I clean and cook - even look up new recipes to try which has worked out great with my kids. I can remember sitting at football practices in the beginning, talking and laughing with friends, when my mind was whirling and I was sick to my stomach - but I just kept going and pressing through.
Finally, I have a best friend - I can call anytime, and vent, and they will bring me back to planet earth. Also, it gets all the emotions out of my head and heart and I'm usually MUCH better.
Your W said this: I'm not going to do this any longer Lefty unless you want to discuss our divorce please don't contact me. I feel it is manipulative and can't go on any longer.
You can validate by saying,
"W, I can understand how you would look at it this way. I am sorry that you feel this way. I'm coming from a place where we do have a shared history and still care about you as a person like a friend. I just cannot just shut that "caring" feeling like a switch. You know that I do not want a divorce. I am willing to work with you to make the divorce happen...please send me the paperwork."
See? This conveys to W that you still care and yet appear to cooperative to giver her what she wants. Resistance brings on more tension. Remove the resistance and things will progress much more smoothly between the two of you.
Here are some validating statements that I've collected and filed away:
"Sorry I interrupted you, I value what you have to say, please continue."
"You may be right." For surprising information: "Wow, you think (my computer time was deterimental to the kids)?" For new info: "Gosh, I didn't realize you thought (I was neglecting the family)." "I hadn't thought of it that way" "I can see how it would feel that way" "I do care. Tell me more about what you're going through" "I am gonna have to think about that a little more" "Hmmm, so you are saying xxx. Let me think about that" "I can see you're really serious about this" "I see this is important to you" "I'd like to respond to you when I'm feeling a little less emotional about this" "I understand why you might feel that way" "Gee, I'm so sorry that made you feel unloved. I never stopped loving you, but I guess I didn't express myself well enough." "Gee, it must have felt terrible to think that" "I am sorry that you feel that way" "I appreciate you being so open and honest with me"
Try and use "Would, will" statements. Do not say "should, could" if you can!!
"Wow, that's a lot to deal with" "That sounds discouraging" "That sounds like it would really hurt" "It sounds like you are really feeling xxxxx" "It sounds like xxxxx is really important to you" "I can see that you are really upset" "Would you like to talk about it" "That really bothered you, didn't it?" "How did you feel when xxxxxx?" "What bothers you the most about it" "What would help you feel better" "I can see you are really uncomfortable about this" "I can understand why you would be upset" "So, you really felt insulted (or whatever emotion), is that it"
If H talks, just listen. Keep your questions impersonal.
WAS: I saw our friend Bob yesterday. You: Oh? How is he doing?
WAS: I went out to that bar last weekend. You: Did you have a good time?
WAS: I'm going to Tennessee this weekend. You: Ok, I hope you have a nice time.
If H asks you questions, answer but be vague--don't launch into huge details.
WAS: How was your weekend? You: Great, went out with some friends and had a good time.
WAS: Where were you last night? You: I was at the gym.
WAS: What are you doing tonight? You: Probably going out to dinner.
Validate her feelings, let her know you agree with her when that is true, but avoid criticism when you don't agree. you don't have to pretend to agree if you think she's wrong, but you can say it in a diplomatic way, like "I think differently, but I understand your reasons for feeling that way." (and then don't continue to argue about it.)
^^^ Agree. When H asks me, I answer truthfully all the time.^^^
I don't expound but I answer truthfully and neutrally.
Example, H checks my phone, ostensibly to say,...oh my name is "first name, last initial...nice" Second in line is text name from a guy I just met. H asks, "Are you dating?" I said no...truthful, to the point, didn't add extra and H couldn't ask anything else without asking about unknown male texter and thereby blowing his cover...:P
