One giant leap forward! - Part 6

[T1000]

Why does it matter why she sent it? Be happy you got another picture of your son. Again, you 2 are constantly trying to outguess, outplay, outsmart the other.

About her needing a break, I totally get it. I don't agree with the way she handles things but being a parent fulltime is difficult.

I was happy to get a pic.
If someone attacked you yesterday and then sent you a gift with nothing in between wouldn't you ask the question, why?

I agree with a lot of what you say and when you call me out on my game playing you are normally totally on the money. I'm not willing to be passive with her screams and shouts anymore. I will try my best not to play games.

She isn't a fulltime parent.

We all need a break from the stresses of life. It used to be my job as her H to help her with that, now it isn't.
She is planning her life and expecting me to be her easy going and available babysitter.

[T1000]

My phone was ringing, looked at the screen and it's W. I didn't want to answer.

I did answer in case it was about the kids.
It was a question about her car. She couldn't find a document. She hadn't looked in the glovebox yet!!
Couldn't have been any nicer.

I answered the question and that was it.

[hotwheelsaust]

Good work on that. No need to question if she rang for any other reason. She asked a question, you gave her the answer. End of story. You did well. And it probably felt good too.

[T1000]

Thanks HWA.
I live for details and understanding things so not combing over every detail and finding out it's meaning is difficult for me. I will get there.

[labug]

You're right, you have them 39% of the time or whatever your figure was. Being a parent is difficult and we all need a break at times.

Why don't you respond to her as you responded to me? Clearly, succinctly, stating your position without gameplaying or oneupmanship? You get to be in control of you in your interactions with her, you just don't realize it yet. Much like the phone conversation, you get to accept it the way you want, and respond in kind, "Oh, here's W asking a question, I'll answer it." Nothing more, nothing less.

Is it becoming clearer to you now?

[T1000]

Looking back at the text conversation the other night I thought I was clear without gameplaying.
It wasn't until she called me out on my actions because they weren't to her desires that I dived into the muddy waters (even though I shouldn't have engaged after a certain time).

At what point are you oblivious to when someone is playing games?

I get the feeling that Sandi will look at the phone call and read something into it.
I dealt with it as if any person was asking the question, however I think she has an ulterior motive, I'm just selecting to not try and guess what it is.

[labug]

And you are doing it. Enjoy and celebrate the successes you have, changing years of conditioning and reactivity isn't easy. I still battle it but it is possible.

[sandi2]

I've already told you why she sends pictures. She uses them to keep you "conditioned". That is why she has a fight and then send pics of your boys without saying a word.

She tries to make you feel guilty b/c she knows that guilt keeps you coming after the kids.....and that means more free time for her.

I had to look for a doctor to help my baby's needs. We had to travel a long way each time and it cost a lot of money we didn't have. Of couse, like most parents, we were just happy to find a doctor who knew how to help. I will never forget the first thing he told us. Parents often feel guilty when things aren't perfect for their children. Guilt is not a good thing. People use it to pressure others, or to preach their description of "duty". I don't want anyone doing anything for me out of a sense of duty. I don't want my children to feel they have to take care of me, or come see me b/c it is their duty. I hope they do everything out of love.....not guilt.

Don't misunderstand, I do believe we have a duty as parents raising kids, and I believe grown children have a duty to care and help dependent parents. But if we do it for no other reason other than we've been taught that it's our obligation, then IMO a lot of precious value of "giving" of out of our love is lost.

T, don't confuse guilt and love. And remember this, nobody can truly make you feel guilt except YOU. If you allow it, what good is it? If anything, guilt often plants a tiny seed of resentment which steadily grows. We may try to deny it, or ignore it, but it keeps on growing until it turns bitter.

Don't punish yourself when you've gone three or more days without seeing your kids. Don't allow W to punish you for the mess she has caused. You are a good daddy. You are becoming a stronger role model for your boys. Keep up good work.

[T1000]

Thanks Sandi

[T1000]

I text W and asked to Skype the kids. She said they had been put to bed early because they were being naughty.
She apologised.

Then she sent me a text:
W: I will be starting a 18-24 week cognitive behavioural therapy in the next couple of months so will be really needing a bit more help with the kids as I'm not sure how it's going to affect me.
Me: If you need it and I can do it, I will help. My therapy was cognitive based.
W: Do you think it helped??
W: I only had my assessment this afternoon. Felt fine about it but now feeling a little depressed. Suppose it's hard having to talk about past stuff and then walk out of a room and try and live a normal life.
Me: It was all good advice and worthwhile. A lot of what he showed me I had already started with various online advice and audiobooks.You don't spend a lot of time going over the past in CBT. You could get a great deal from it.


W has had therapy before and it was all about going back to her past and she did find it hard.
18-24 weeks seems like a long time considering mine was only 5 weeks.
I believe if it's anything like what I did she won't find it stressful and if anything it will relieve stress the more she goes.
Obviously I'm dubious of the timing for asking for more help with the kids. At the same time if she thinks it is anything like her last therapy I can understand it being a realistic concern.