So a new focus to be added. Stop letting the emotion control my actions. I have to accept that emotion will be part of my sitch. What I need to really do is not allow it to make me do or consider actions that are not in the best of DB principles.
This is good, HWA! But do realize that this is not the first time you have added this focus and then forgot about it! Still I am not judging anything except you acting on feelings instead of brains
Emotions will always be a part of you, but you should control them – not the other way around! When emotions hit you and you want to act – you and you alone have the power NOT to act. Use that power and then apply the patience needed and help from this board - you will do and be just fine!
Back on the horse!
F
Me:44 W:43 D7, D5 (S11 from other R)
T: 8y - not M ILYB: 8. Mar 2013 W moved: 1. Aug 2013 LRT: 20. Aug 2013 _______________________________ Do or do not – there’s no try.
Yep, sounds like the old broken record, doesn't it? Maybe the emotions are harder to control while so much more is going on: the transfer, solicitors, separation from my sons. Not an excuse, just simply hard to get any control of emotions while I cannot simply be in control of much of my life. Seriously, the lack of return of the text has just put me another step closer to detaching from her. Thanks again F for the foam 2x4's.
ME:51 W:46 M:25 S:22, S:20 Divorced 16/9/15 BD 10/12 W left 12/12 with OW, affair confirmed Nov/12. Dark since 6/13 I"m in a new relationship since Feb 14.
You had expectations for the text. When your expectations aren't fulfilled it drives you further down.
Rather than trying to control your feelings, feel them for a while and then let them go. My IC gave me a really short meditation technique for this that works really well.
They are feelings and no matter how much we feel them they don't have the ability to over ride our actions if we choose not to.
Waiting for an answer on here can feel like a lifetime but most of the time answer does come and unless there is a rush you should wait for the answer because it might let you move past what your feeling as well as getting good advice.
Be careful your step closer to detachment from her isn't just based on her ignoring (assuming she got the text anyway) you. Contacting her and not getting anything back will make you feel like there is less chance of R and so your further away from W. It will also "possibly" make you even more desperate when she does maybe contact you.
M36 W31 S4 S2 T5 M4 BD Jan12 S July12 Recon Sep12-Nov12 ILBINILWY Jan13 OM x 2 in 2013 W wants R July 13 I start D. Jan 14. Meet GF Nov 13 Have I changed enough? Jul 14
Thanks T1000. Step closer to detachment isn't just based on her ignoring, but on a lot of the stuff that has happened over the last 11 months. It does get to a point, where you do start thinking, how much more can I keep trying. Hopefully the detachment helps with that type of thinking, by stopping it. I haven't lost my love of the W, and would quite happily R, but moving into full detachment is my hope of improving me emotionally. I don't want to be the "desperate" me if/when the W does contact me, and in all seriousness, that is probably how I would handle that situation now. That is a problem, because I don't get the chances or times to practice and DB on her, face to face or even over the phone. You go for many weeks/months without seeing her or talking to her, and then become a blubbering mess when and if we finally meet up. I would have all good intentions to do DB then and there, but the desperation overcomes the DB.
ME:51 W:46 M:25 S:22, S:20 Divorced 16/9/15 BD 10/12 W left 12/12 with OW, affair confirmed Nov/12. Dark since 6/13 I"m in a new relationship since Feb 14.
I used to feel that way every Friday when I picked the kids up. I would be fine all week and then it would stir me up all weekend. Try to think of the interaction as a performance at first and you only have to keep up the performance for that allotted time.
The more awesome, independent, strong HWA she see's the better.
Try not to think of DBing on her but DBing your whole life with every interaction with every person. The more you are that person away from her the easier it will be face to face because your just being you.
M36 W31 S4 S2 T5 M4 BD Jan12 S July12 Recon Sep12-Nov12 ILBINILWY Jan13 OM x 2 in 2013 W wants R July 13 I start D. Jan 14. Meet GF Nov 13 Have I changed enough? Jul 14
Sounds good T1000, the only thing missing is the W. With no seeing/talking or any communication for months on end, I simply don't get a chance to do any of it.
ME:51 W:46 M:25 S:22, S:20 Divorced 16/9/15 BD 10/12 W left 12/12 with OW, affair confirmed Nov/12. Dark since 6/13 I"m in a new relationship since Feb 14.
You are so very welcome – here's one more! Soft, sweet and well meant!
Originally Posted By: HWA
With no seeing/talking or any communication for months on end, I simply don't get a chance to do any of it.
And you can't change that!!! Right now that's the fact of your sit! IT’S A FACT! It’s reality! It’s how it is! It's a fact and it won't change because you hope it will or because you feel sad or hurt that this is the fact! That's just how it is right now! PATIENCE!
What you do is applying your opinion and your emotions to this fact and that won’t do you any good right now - if ever. Face the fact and make your life as jolly good as possible around this fact! GAL!
You can still work you, let the work sink in, feel it in your daily interactions with other people!
Originally Posted By: T
Try not to think of DBing on her but DBing your whole life with every interaction with every person. The more you are that person away from her the easier it will be face to face because your just being you.
This is spot on!
When/If you meet W (I still believe you will have future interactions) this is what you want (and I believe that’s a fact as well):
Originally Posted By: T
The more awesome, independent, strong HWA she see's the better.
DETACH LOVINGLY!
You know the drill, HWA! Make the goals and get going! FOCUS ON YOU!
Keep going….and do start on the Psycho Cybernetics and get through it as fast as possible the first time! Did you read the N.U.Ts book?
You know we are here for you (and as fast as possible )
I am keeping my fingers crossed for you these days - Any news about transfer?
F
P.S. I believe it will do you good to double the 48 for some time - Think about it!
Me:44 W:43 D7, D5 (S11 from other R)
T: 8y - not M ILYB: 8. Mar 2013 W moved: 1. Aug 2013 LRT: 20. Aug 2013 _______________________________ Do or do not – there’s no try.
Sounds good T1000, the only thing missing is the W. With no seeing/talking or any communication for months on end, I simply don't get a chance to do any of it.
HWA you're beginning to sound like 2old, lol, who btw is a lot more positive nowadays I'm only kidding, I know you're up there with all the 180s, GAL and PMA Trying to catch up with all these threads, I finished college at 8pm today! Have you heard back from HR yet?
H47 me48 T22 M21 S20 - Got high functioning autism 3/2000 H admits to OW and moves out to live with her 11/2000 H moves back home 2/4/13 H moves out H tells me he wants D 6/13, but now he can't afford to!
F and TTD180, I do continue to try the DB, 180's and PMA with my daily contact with people. I can honestly say I am way better with my attitude and talking than I was before BD. F, the N.U.T.S book is on it's way, probably here next week. Hopefully I will have the holidays to read it, same with the Psycho book. I just don't seem to get into the books at night before bed. You are right to make the 48hrs no 96 hours waiting time. Patience with the W is what I need to do, yes, I get that, what is hard is the combination of everything. It isn't just no contact from W. It's the lack of knowing if I will be home or not next year. Will the solicitor contact me again, or is the W planning something else. Will I have a home to go to next year. The lack of being able to ride my motorbike or spend time with my friends from back home. Seeing my boys more regular. In saying all above, I am not sad while writing this (first time for a long time), it is just the facts. Rather than being in limbo with my M, I am in limbo with my life. The biggest change/bonus will be the knowledge of my transfer or no transfer. I will be that step closer to moving on. I am doing my best here, but the reality is, there is very little to do, very little that interests me to do here, and a lot (others say this also) of people keep to themselves.
Transfers will be advised in 7 days now.
My reply to T1000, wasn't an emotional outpouring of grief or poor me, but simply a reply about having to do the performance for her each weekend (when T1000 gets the kids). I want to do the performance, but don't get those opportunities.
I have and will continue to accept that the W is not going to contact me and will go back to reading a quote I placed near the computer a while ago. "Whether I worry or not has no effect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go and making changes can".
I need to keep reading that.........but better still.......start believing it and doing it.
ME:51 W:46 M:25 S:22, S:20 Divorced 16/9/15 BD 10/12 W left 12/12 with OW, affair confirmed Nov/12. Dark since 6/13 I"m in a new relationship since Feb 14.
I get you now, it's not about the W, it's about the kids I can imagine that you must miss them like crazy! Being in limbo with your life must be hard. We all get used to being in limbo with the spouse, but if you don't like where you live then that's a bummer! Sounds like you can do a lot more GALing when you move and will totally push your W and your Marriage to the back of your mind Hope your transfer comes up soon
H47 me48 T22 M21 S20 - Got high functioning autism 3/2000 H admits to OW and moves out to live with her 11/2000 H moves back home 2/4/13 H moves out H tells me he wants D 6/13, but now he can't afford to!
