DD, I personally agree with your approach. It's what I've been following and the tide is definitely changing for me. Briefly, she told me of EA is 12/12 "I've got feelings for someone else..." We agreed to keep working on it after she said it was over and feelings were fading. Things were getting slowly a littler better but in fits and starts, because I was making so many typical mistakes (pursuing, pleading, sulking) until I discovered DBing in 4/13. Then I discovered in 6/13 that the guy had popped back up. I confronted her, and it sent her right back to him, pissed and we were back at square one. I've not mentioned it again, been DBing, and we are now doing better than last 12 years. I attribute it to my DB work and giving her the space to figure out this guy was a fantasy and/or maybe a dud, and that she'd be giving up a great guy, sharing our son, and now steadily improving home life and friendship. Just one guys experience. I'm no expert. Just experimenting. That said, if it comes up again, I'm going to follow Starskys line. No more for me. I have GOT a life now, with or without her. I will be okay.
Originally Posted By: doubledown
Starsky:

I really appreciate your input. It is a very valuable perspective. I realize that calling out a spouse involved in an affair is certainly an option. I have two young boys to consider and I just don't want them to go through the damaging process of their parents splitting up. I would never leave this marriage. It may be taken from me someday, but I won't be the one to walk away. My W on the other hand is in a state that I could have never imagined 10 years ago. I don't know this person.

If there is anything I can do to gradually show her that I can be a better husband and father, I've got to demonstrate that. Words mean nothing. I've tried that. I believe that if I expose the A, it will cause W to become angry, resentful, bitter and take action prematurely.

I need time to mentally prepare for that as well. This is my life, afterall. This is the woman that in my mind, would be the one I would grown old with. Removing that from the equation is alot to consisder.