Hi, I am new to this forum. My H began acting oddly about 2 years ado. He stopped socializing with our friends and we began socializing with a younger couple (younger by 10 years). H started talking about his age and not having much time to live. He started working out and now has 6 pack abs. He was a loving family man and now he drinks daily and has gotten 7 tattoos in the past 8 months.
8 months ago, he also started hiding his phone. About 2 months ago, I found a text on his phone and discovered the OW. She is the wife of the younger couple we have been socializing with. My H said he doesn't love me any more and he is leaving for good.
He moved in with our daughter for a week, told her he was divorcing me. He moved out of her house and moved in with the younger couple. The OW's spouse is ok with the emotional affair they had for 8 months, since their was nothing physical. He has been living with them for 4 weeks.
He hasn't mentioned or discusses divorce with me yet. He said he has to discuss something with me in person however. I told him I was aware of what he wanted to tell me and that I am not willing to throw away 28 years and that I love him. He became angry and we got off the phone. Before getting off he told me he cant stand speaking to me that i make him unhappy and take im to a bad place. He does not contact me at all. I have had to send him text msg. Regarding his spending, sons college, and recreational equipment.
I am not sure what to do. I resent that he is living with that couple and I resent that my daughter and her husband go there to visit I'm. The OW and her husband seem to have a very strong hold on my H. I am not a fan of theirs and they are vindictive people.
I'll take any advice I can get. I am very lonely, frightened and just wish I could have my loving husband back. I am not sure what to do. Wishing he would move out of their house! Isn't that going to get old after a while?
Hi. I am so sorry you are here, but, you are among some of the most wonderful people you will ever get to "know".
So, first things first. It is important to self care. Sleep, eat, exercise, rest, pray if you are so inclined.
Have you read Divorce Remedy? If you havent, you should. That is the info we base our advice on.
Cadet will be along with some other things you should read.
Go to the Newcomers forum and look up Sandi's rules. Those are good things for you to know and do.
If you h is in a MLC, it is a long haul. You have to decide if you want to try to outlast it. It is a marathon, not a sprint.
If you decide to walk this journey, you will be forever changed.
Dbing is about becoming your best you and sometimes it saves marriages.
So, in order for us to help you, it would help if you can tell us a bit about your marriage and some of the complaints your h has.
You can use that information to figure out what changes you want to make.
But understand that just because he said it, doesnt make it so. You need to think about it and decide whether it has merit. If it does, it is a change you should try to make. Not to save your marriage, but, because you want to be your best self.
The changes should always be for you because if they arent, he will see right through them and they wont stick.
You will hear us say to GAL (get a life). It means to keep busy, find focus, connect with people. It is the best way to begin detaching. And that is necessary in order to get through this.
Your h is in crisis. Believe none of what he says and half of what he does. The MLCer is in pain. He knows that he is unhappy and cannot figure out why. So, he self medicates, usually with another person(Ow or Om).
He lashes out at the person closest to him. He thinks that you are the reason for his unhappiness. He thinks if he can get rid of you, that will solve all his problems.
So, do not call him unless it is absolutely necessary. Do not plead or cry. This is pressure to him and will cause him to run faster.
Please know that you will get through this and you will be ok. We will be here to help you.
The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy book by MWD, Divorce Busting is also an excellent book.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read. This is my ultra brand new and improved list of links.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
The stages of MLC as rewritten by HB from Jim Conway are a template which can only be laid over an MLCer's experience retrospectively. It's impossible to see the pattern until it has finished being laid or the crisis is complete.(nickel Cyrena). So do not be too concerned where your MLC'er is in this process. (Although my general guess is that they are in REPLAY)
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he says and 50% of what he does.
I would not ask him anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first. Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
Thank you. I ordered the book today. Our kids are older, s-20 and d-24. Our daughter seems to have so much anger over the situation and is lashing out at me and blaming me for my H leaving. She has repeated any thing I have said to her, to her father. She also tells him when I am happy or upset. I try to always have a smile on around her, however it is hard. How to I handle an angry young adult that is inadvertently driving her father further away from me?
