Holy crap what a mess I was! My H has begin to move at such high speeds it's making my head spin. And then I backslided last night. I always feel like the next day after backsliding I was drunk the night before and now I have to face the consequences of a hangover. So I've known awhile my H has been looking for a separate place of his own, but yesterday he told me he had found a lease. I thought I was handling being separated (he was living at a friend's place before) quite well, until this bit of news hit me. I fluctuated between hating him, angry, and crying all last night, and sent out some nasty texts. I guess until it actually happened I just wasn't expecting how it really felt. I'm mildly depressed right now, but I'm keeping in mind that I have to keep going. Today I got myself out of bed and started the same workout routine I've been keeping for the last two weeks. I'm not allowing myself to give up over a bit of bad news. He also opened his own new account, and said he was no longer contributing to our bills. I still have no job, so I'm a little freaked out about money, but I have rent paid this month thanks to a car crash settlement from awhile back. I've probably never felt so defeated since we've separated. I felt like the first time in a long time we really aren't going to make it. He did mention that signing divorce papers would be simple if we could agree on things, but I told him I wasn't going to file for divorce. This surprised him a little, to which I told him what's the hurry? Are you getting remarried? He said no....but don't expect us to get back together anytime soon. I really wasn't. So now that we share no financials together, I am 100% going to go dark as I have no reason to contact him. I am not scared of being alone. I actually am quite content being alone. I just have this feeling (I know it's probably stupid) that if we don't live together he'll forget me and find someone new. I just have a lot of emotions to deal with and I'm starting a new therapist next week. Thank god I was medicated before all this, or I would be a total wreck. This is maybe one of the few times I've cried in the last few months. My mood stabilizers usually prevent me from getting too depressed. So now I'm in this place, where time is on my side. We have no bills together, we have no impending divorce, just a lot of time to work on ourselves. And in some ways, that is comfortable. If I could find a decent job I would be even more comfortable. I really admire those of you who have made it through this situation. I hope I can one day become a veteran who survived this thing, even if I do end up alone.
