Help! I'm so hopeless and devastated...

[lovethehub]

Peace,

You need to forget about your husband and what he is doing and start focusing on what you are doing. You must work on yourself and figuring out how to be happy, what you want to improve, etc. There isn't anything you can do about H and what he is doing, at least not now. There isn't anything you can say (or SIL, MIL, or his friend) that will change his mind.

Don't ask him to leave if you don't want him to. Take some time to really think about it so you are not making moves from a hurt, angry, emotional place. If the A is your boundary line, then ask him to leave; if it isn't, you have to think about what you want before you give any ultimatums.

If you want your M to work, forget all about H and worry about you, your children, your PMA and you GAL.

[TryingToDo180]

Peace, if you are a Christian then hand it all over to God. I did that last week and my life turned around for the better I had an awful week last week with my parents, I felt like my life was spinning out of control.
We've just been chatting to Mypain who's in a similar position to you. We've advised her to go out when it's dinnertime and get your H to get his own meals. Stop doing things for him. Get out as much as you can, visit friends and family. I agree with lovethehub, you now need to work on your PMA, 180 and GAL. Take care of you, your kids and most importantly your health

[peaceSJ]

Thank you all for your support. I guess since I don't have family around and I only have two mutual friends who are close to us, I feel very very lonely. I want to talk about this sitch and get some advices, but no one I can talk face to face. I'm glad that I found this site.

I haven't let my family know it. They live very far from me and I don't want them to worry about me too much.

My H wants to take the kids to a theme park and stay there for one night next weekend. But he refused to let me go with them. No matter the kids asked both Dad and Mom go with them, H said either Dad or Mom can go with them. Any advices? I feel he is more and more close to the OW now, and his heart becomes harder and harder to us... Any advice?

[Not Quitting]

My H wants to take the kids to a theme park and stay there for one night next weekend. But he refused to let me go with them. No matter the kids asked both Dad and Mom go with them, H said either Dad or Mom can go with them. Any advices? I feel he is more and more close to the OW now, and his heart becomes harder and harder to us... Any advice?

If you weren't going through this sitch would you have an issue with H taking the kids away for a night? Look at it as giving you a night to do some GALing, to get some time for yourself, as hard as it may be to be away from the kids.

Stay strong.
I managed to get my H to agree that there would be no contact between S13 and OW for a minimum of 6 months from the date we separated - and I got it included in our separation agreement so he can't argue that he never made that agreement.

[TryingToDo180]

I agree with NQ here let him take the kids to the theme park, it'll give you some much needed time on your own Set up a boundary if you need to about the OW, I do feel it's too soon for them to meet her

[peaceSJ]

If no such sitch, I'm ok if just he and the kids go. But we usually did everything together especially for kids.

The OW is living in a different city. I think within the recent couple months, they met once a month. But I'm not sure if she is planning to move here or not. She may be in the final process of divorce. I'am so afraid that after she finalizes her divorce, my H will file D too...

I know I have to accept this reality and stay stronger, but it is so hard. MY friend suggested me to take some anti-depressant medication which will make me feel better and get some sleep. She said I need to improve myself and make myself happier. She also suggested that I should try my best to do some thing together with my H... which it seems impossible now...

I think I did 180s well the last two weeks until I confirmed this OW. It seems I lost my last hope. My H still denied this OW to me. Can any of you think of the reasons why?

[Not Quitting]

Two things here - first don't go taking anyone else's AD meds. If you really feel you might need them, see your own doctor, or as I did, talk to a naturopath. I wouldn't take ADs but I am taking natural supplements that work on mild depression, with the guidance of a naturopath.

Second, let him take the kids since you wouldn't have a problem without the sitch. If they are reluctant to go without you, just find a way of explaining that their dad wants to spend some time with them on his own.

Don't push doing things as a family. I tried that with my H and only succeeded in pushing him away. Only now that we are separated do I see him starting to come back a little bit.

There's no clear reason why they deny OW, even when there's evidence staring them in the face. I can't help with that comment much since my H actually confessed to OW when I didn't even suspect one.

[TryingToDo180]

I didn't think that her friend was suggesting she took her anti-ds but I could be wrong
IMO there's no use confronting H about any OW as he will deny them. I've suspected things but I've no evidence of this and anyway I don't particularly want to know! I think there's a difference between suspecting an OW and H actually telling you there is one. I think suspecting is easier to handle! You must've had a rough time NQ when your H confessed to an OW
I would go and see a doctor Peace, even if she only helped you with the emotional side of it and found you some groups to go to. When my H first left me, my doc wouldn't prescribe Anti-ds. She told me to take st john's wort instead. She did put me in touch with a social worker though which helped for my son The doctor I have now put me on anti-ds and referred me to an IC, which helped loads
You have to be careful with natural remedies as they can interfere with other medication that you may be taking. Have a word with a naturopath first if you want to go down that route

[peaceSJ]

NQ and TTD180, thank you for being always there with me. I will not push him. I will make appt. with my doctor to see if he will prescribe anti-ds for me.

I'm still confused about one rule. I don't know if I should completely stop initiating any conversations to H except for the things related to kids, or should still make some short conversations. I've tried to being friendly to him, but most time he is so cold and didn't smile at all when we talked.

[Not Quitting]

Peace, if your doctor doesn't think you need ADs, try asking if they can recommend a natural supplement you could use. TTD mentioned St John's Wort - that's the supplement my naturopath suggested.

Remember focus on yourself for now. Let your H figure himself out. You can't control what he's thinking or feeling, and you certainly can't fix him. You can work on yourself and improve yourself.

Stay strong. We're here for you.