I think what Raine was referring to was things that may have happened to her BEFORE your marriage, as said here, typically MLC is generated by seeds planted in childhood, teenage years and young adulthood.
My W even said I could have been the perfect H but she still would have gone through this most likely. Her issues are from her SA in childhood to adolescence, the subsequent emotional abandonment and lack of validation, etc.
We didn't even know about all this until well into married life when memories started, and when her Dad got and died from cancer he said some things that backed up the memories, etc. And she may have other things that I don't know about from before/during marriage that have NOTHING to do with me, good H or not so good. She doesn't know absolutely everything about me, just about everything, but there are still a few things from high school and college that she doesn't. I give her the benefit of the doubt that there are still traumas that she lived through that I am clueless about. But they have NOTHING to do with me. What has to do with me is how I react and support her in resolving all this, and heal, improve and grow myself.
And in my first thread here, I mention the 9mm sitting on my desk, the hotline, so yeah, I get it. I have gotten so much insight, support and yes, criticisms, 2x4's, etc. Hard to take sometimes, but in the end, valuable to my growth and emerging from this better, not bitter and judgmental.
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
"I initially came here looking for answers, and like most, hoping to find examples of couples who survived to bolster my own disbelief regarding what was happening. "
Oh and for the record, I saved my marriage and there have been other recent marriages that have been saved. So I don't know where you were looking.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
"Oh and for the record, I saved my marriage and there have been other recent marriages that have been saved. So I don't know where you were looking."
In fact, one of the first articles that I found a year ago was a success story - Laura Munsun's article in the New York Times "Those Aren't Fighting Words, Dear". The problem is, while there are a few examples of marriages that survived (I'm happy for those people), those examples only served to temporarily reinforce the ultimately delusional idea that my marriage could be saved. It was hard to accept, but every situation is unique despite a variety of circumstantial overlaps (primarily there are no children involved to serve as an anchor point). She simply does not want to be married to me and I can't continue to be emotionally harmed by the person that she has become. I did everything that I could to try and salvage the relationship, but contrary to your assessment I don't think things were ever salvageable. She was long gone before I ever had a hint that there was a problem. Maybe I have a lower threshold for emotional abuse than others, but I think that I'm fairly resilient.
I understand that this is a place for people who are focused on using DB to salvage their marriage - and I get that some are "standing" and will continue to do so while their ex-spouses go on to get remarried, have new families, etc. I just don't see that as healthy for me.
It is time to start over. A year may not seem like long to some, or may seem like an eternity to others, but for me it is time - time to take what I've learned and move forward, hopefully with someone who will appreciate the partner that I am capable of being, and who is capable of being an equally caring, committed partner. Tomorrow morning will be an irretrievable ending, but also a new beginning.
____________________________ "In the midst of winter, I found there was, within me, an invincible summer." -- Albert Camus
Me:39 WAW:38 M:9 T:19, No Kids EA/PA with co-worker:9/24/12, ILYBINILWY, S:9/25/12 EA/PA ongoing, MC 9/12-12/12 D: 9/13/13
greymeadow, I am sorry that things have not worked out in your situation. A year is not a long time, but only you know when you've had enough and know it is time to move forward w/your life. Sometimes, we have to take the bull by the horns and say enough and I think you've reached that point. No one knows what the future holds, but God does have a special plan for you and he will reveal it in time when you least expect it. I wish you all the best that life has to offer and may you find the peace and happiness you so richly deserve.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
"those examples only served to temporarily reinforce the ultimately delusional idea that my marriage could be saved."
This is where you get self deprecating. It wasn't delusional. You wanted to do the right thing which was to save your M. There is no shame in that.
"It was hard to accept, but every situation is unique despite a variety of circumstantial overlaps (primarily there are no children involved to serve as an anchor point). She simply does not want to be married to me"
Yes this is correct.
"and I can't continue to be emotionally harmed by the person that she has become."
And this is the part that you seem to not grasp. You ALLOW yourself to be emotionally harmed by her. That's why you had a hard time detaching. You couldn't seem to sever that tie or put up a barrier for yourself.
"I did everything that I could to try and salvage the relationship, but contrary to your assessment I don't think things were ever salvageable."
I disagree, but that's up to you. It's your sitch.
"She was long gone before I ever had a hint that there was a problem. Maybe I have a lower threshold for emotional abuse than others, but I think that I'm fairly resilient. "
It took 3 years before my sitch even showed ANY signs of improvement. But if you keep allowing yourself to be hurt, then you won't be able to see the situation clearly and see what you can change here and there. Those who succeed are usually the most adaptable ones.
TBH, I think you were extremely disrespectful to those who tried to help you. But if beating up the people who try to help you makes you happy, then it's your choice.
Good luck to you. And I really mean that.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
If it helps Grey, I have friends outside this board who have gone through similar. It took years. One guy I work with: his W of close to 20 years did the same mine did at about the same time. Except she didn't marry the other guy I ran into him the other day. They are still married (this is about 6 years later) and seem to be doing fine. It happens, although people don't often talk about it. He does to me because he knows me and we went through similar at the same time. They both did some heinous things to each other during that time. Very destructive at the time. Perhaps that was needed though...
To be honest, I doubt seriously my ex is happy with her choices. Not unhappy enough to change them, but not happy either. She still struggles with whatever she struggled with back then and the mess she created. I can see now how it works - you do something you know is wrong and so starts the cycle of guilt, remorse, anger, etc. To make yourself feel better, you blame the other person. After a while, that becomes your dumping ground for anything you can think of. You don't even feel you deserve to be happy if you're not careful. And you begin to wonder if you were right about your assertions. If you can remember them. Many do not. It's more about today and now, vs. then.
If you can't insulate yourself from the attacks and blame, then you'll have a terrible time with this. Really. You'll internalize it and find later that you're still chewing on things that she has long since moved past as irrelevant or something she said out of anger.
If you continue, you'll need to figure out how to insulate yourself from her attacks. If you don't continue, you'll have to figure out how to insulate yourself from her attacks. Believe me when I tell you, you'll need to figure out how to insulate yourself from her attacks no matter how you proceed.
Only you can figure out when you're "done", but I highly advise you to be "done" and not just feel or say that for a day or a week before you determine you are.
Peace, AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Coming up on two years later, I came back here to reflect on what happened. I can say that being "done" was the right decision. She was done before I found out about her affair and all of the blaming and excusing that she did afterward and in couples therapy was just to make herself feel better about her betrayal.
We stopped sharing custody of our dog as was prescribed in the divorce agreement and I ended up getting a new dog to fill that void. Severing that tie was painful be necessary. However, I have yet to achieve full detachment, which does not come easily after 20 years. Seeing her and her affair partner still bothers me very much. She moved in with him and they are still living together as of July 2014. I hope that someday I'll see them and feel absolutely nothing at all. I am looking forward to creating more distance by selling "our" house (now mine) and moving to a place where people don't know me in the context of my marriage or worse, its dissolution.
My "baggage" has made the formation and fostering of new relationships very challenging. I've lucky to have found someone communicative and patient during this time. Every day beings new challenges and it takes a lot of hard work to reengage without fear dominating. I am spending less time in therapy now and reading Lisa Arends has been helpful. She experienced something similar and writes about it in her book "Lessons From the End of a Marriage" and in a variety of online publications.
In all, I would say that despite the popular adage, time does not "heal all wounds". Rather, time makes more space for that healing to take place and distance helps that healing take place with greater perspective.
Everyone deserves peace, love, and respect - and I wish that for you all.
Me:40 EX-WAW:39 M:9 T:19, No Kids EA/PA with co-worker started: 9/24/12 - ongoing ILYBINILWY, S:9/25/12 MC 9/12-12/12 D: 9/13/13
I ran into him the other day. They are still married (this is about 6 years later) and seem to be doing fine. It happens, although people don't often talk about it. He does to me because he knows me and we went through similar at the same time. They both did some heinous things to each other during that time. Very destructive at the time. Perhaps that was needed though...