Sub, KG, Kate, Bright, Bug and NLW thank you for your thoughts and support :-)
Yes-on the whole I am feeling good and I am content with the amazing life I have been given. I wake up in the morning and I say to myself that I have a choice. I choose how my day will be. I do fall down on that at times, and then I have learned how to pull myself back into that mind set. This place...you all...its a credit to you. I used to always react to my emotions. I used to think I was justified to do so because that was the 'way i felt'.
Had an interesting conversation with H about the kids. D6 is shutting down with him. She wont talk with him 'unless he comes home'. H is passive. He hurts because of this but doesn't know what to do. He still blames me for him not being home. Responded with saying I understand he feels that way. My perception is that "I can't see how I am stopping him from engaging with his kids as I am no longer a part of his life or the decisions he makes. His R with the kids is his. My existence is not his obstacle to that R. " I actually did a fixer thing and suggested a way he could try and communicate with D6. He said he really liked the idea. Tried it, and D6 responded positively. So that was good to see. Long may it live and move forward.
I think that he is still using me as an excuse for his unhappiness and issues. I think that I now see how far I have come and how stuck he is and it makes me sad because of how it affects the kids. He can't recognise that his choices since BD have resulted in the current dynamic. Right now the kids still believe in him. One day they may not. For all that I am and all that I have become, I do my best to continue keeping opportunities open for him him to engage with the kids. I try not to put up any roadblocks. I know that I am not an obstacle. I know that I am not perfect. I know that he has chosen to employ his emotions, times and physical presence towards OW at the expense of his R with the kids (and me...but I am I am keeping myself out of it now). Its about choice. We own that choice. I know he does not see that.
Keep moving forward. I love my life. I love the joy and richness of it. I love the challenges and the daily pleasures and even the hardships. I am almost relearning as my children learn for the first time. How lucky is that?
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
