Thanks. Okay is about all it went. She was angry, but on a bright note did not verbally express her anger. Actually she verbalized very little. Her body language spoke volumes. She left without speaking as soon as she had her deposit receipt. If I had to put a word to it I would pick rude.
I was hoping we could begin to move to something amicable. There are weddings and birthday parties in our future and amicable would be nice.
This was the very last piece of legal documentation linking us and it feels good to break that link. I think it was healthy for me to do so.
DIL, S and GD are in MI visiting DILs family and watching a (cruising?). I don’t know if that is the correct word. There is a street near Flint where people show off cars they have modified or restored on this weekend. X and I went there once to pick up DILs and S. People drive slowly up this street for miles through towns North of Detroit. It has a fair like atmosphere.
After meeting X I returned to Mom’s house to work on the laundry room. Mom used an old Maytag wringer washing machine and a double deep sink to do laundry. Not for about the last five years. X and I and then just I had been doing them. The washing machine and sinks needed to be removed. So DIL can move her machines in.
The sink is concrete and it is removed. An appliance dolly, logging chain, come along winch, cargo strapping and a convenient overhead beam were instrumental accomplishing its removal from the basement. A sledgehammer and wheelbarrow would have been easier. I looked at removing it intact as a challenge
Tomorrow I plumb the gas line for the dryer and a drain line for the washing machine. Hopefully the supply lines installed years ago will be convenient to the washing machine, else I’ll have to reposition or plumb new ones. Adventures I home ownership, it’s always something.
About cycling again last week, I am surprised I am still grieving the loss of that R to this extent. I guess it is b/c so much of my identity was tied up in that R. I imagine I will for some time to come yet. It is normal I think to grieve a loss when we are reminded of it and then continue living. Perhaps breaking another link with X will help bind that wound.
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
Gas line is installed and leak tested. Drain line is installed. I opted to use standard 1/2 inch black pipe for the gas line and 2 inch PVC for the drain. I am waiting to speak with S and DIL about the position of the supply lines. I may just reposition them anyway to save headaches in the future. It is a matter of how soon DIL wants to move her units in and if they can tolerate the water supply shutoff while I do so.
D was over Saturday night. She was accepted back into a nursing program and begins classes in a few weeks. This time the campus is on the other side of Cleveland. She is not happy with the commute, but her concern is tempered with being back in the program a year earlier than she had anticipated.
She told me X informed DIL what my income level is. I do not know why or in what context this information was exchanged. I am somewhat irritated that it was. Briefly I wondered if she told DIL what her spousal support is or how she lowered her income level prior to the D to increase it. That is a snarky path and it is best if I do not walk it.
I feel I deserve my salary. I work for it. I have worked to attain this position. I work to improve it. The path I took, the time and effort it requires/required is typical.
Hunting season is just around the corner. I have been target practicing for form since May. Now it is past time to get serious.
Last March I purchased a raffle ticket and won a Savage .17HMR right handed bolt action. I had little use for the rifle and opted for a store gift card instead. It became arrows, broad heads, new camo and a few other items. Like most recreational things bow hunting is an accessory heavy sport. I totaled the cost of the gear I wear/carry once and was astonished. Of course it should be amortized and the recreational value is difficult to place a value on. Think of it this way each arrow in my quiver represents an initial cost of about $25.00 and I wait for sales.
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
Thanks Wendy, I am just winding my way down this path.
The other day it occurred to me I have stopped comparing how happy I was then to how miserable I am now. Rather now I find positives to think about, futures to come and things to be glad for.
Part of that come from my parents. They were raised during the depression and had some emotional setbacks. They were previously divorced and could have dwelled in that misery or reminisced to memories before the depression.
While I was growing up they focused on comparisons of how much better life was now and how it could be better still. We were always looking to the future. They taught the future was limited by how much effort we put into it. (Still don’t have my flying car, or left a footprint on the moon. )
As an adult I learned more. They took off the colored glasses and spoke frankly about some of their trials. It made them human and as an adult I came to see them as such. They were courageous individuals and overcame a lot to provide my sisters and me with the lives we have/had.
I have not gotten to “I am so happy and grateful she left enabling me to…..” yet. It is a possibility, I am just not there yet, another point on the path.
I babysat Saturday for about 6 hours. GD and I went to the park and played for about an hour and a half. She ate well and tried to potty for me. By the time the day was done she was ready for bed. At eighteen months she pretty much can tell me what she wants to do next. She is beginning to assert her personality and required distraction a couple of times to avoid a tantrum.
She tried to follow the older kids on the play set at the park. There I was at the side of the tall slide encouraging her and committing to catch her as she slid down. Later she decided she needed to chin herself on the monkey bars.
She met two therapy dogs who’s owners were walking though with. Babysitting was pretty much the highlight of my weekend.
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
This post is just an update. This is just life. There is little drama here unless I choose to make it so. Most of this is about DIL as I was off work last week and spent some time with her and GD
You can plumb a gas line, but the kids don’t have to connect to it.
After bringing her washer and dryer from storage, DIL and I determined they should be replaced. I suspect the transmission in her washer was damaged during one of its trips across the country. The machine would fill and pump out, but the agitator and drum would not cycle. It also smoked a little and gave off an acrid odor. I suspect the motor overheated and melted insulation a little before destroying the transmission.
The new dryer is electric, necessitating installation of a power line for it. She and I went to the local big box store and purchased what I thought was needed to run the power line and the next day after about three hours work it was installed.
I foolishly made the final connection to the breaker box while it was hot. Nothing came of it and I threw each of the breakers prior to making the individual connections. I just didn’t throw the mains. DIL did not understand my reference to dimming lights, but it’s all good. She didn’t op check the new units. It has been a week and I expect I would have heard by now if something wasn’t working.
DIL’s cat passed. To be truthful it was ill and at the end of its life. I think it would have been better to permit the vet to euthanize it.
DIL chose a different route and created some self inflicted pain. She called me on Wednesday and asked me to babysit while she comforted her cat. I found out later she euthanized it herself using Vicodin. She was very upset by the time it was done. She had time to contemplate the effect of her actions and I think that added to her grieving. I helped her bury the cat and made myself available. I don’t know if I helped her much. She has made quite a memorial underneath a dogwood tree next to the house.
I have begun construction of a storage shed. Using some of the wood I re-tasked from work. Some of the shipping containers are reinforced with 2X6’s. It took a little more time to accumulate enough pieces than I initially anticipated, but this GAL project is underway. I hope to have it completed before the snow flies. I need to determine a method to raise the two side wall I have constructed. They are a bit heavier than I can manage myself.
I have been doing a bit of introspection lately. This probably sounds arrogant. It is my truth.
X made a mistake. She is an intelligent woman and no one sets out to make a bad decision. Yet IMO she did. Whether she acknowledges this to herself or not is immaterial she can believe what she wishes to. It is enough that this is my truth and believing it I can cease abusing myself over her decision.
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
All four walls of the storage shed are up, two are sheathed. I arranged for S to come by and help me raise the two long walls. When he would be able to was pretty ambiguous and I began to attempt another solution. That did not work out so well and I was grateful for his help as he arrived while I was cleaning up after my first attempt to raise a wall by myself.
I tried to use ropes, a winch and an A frame I had previously built for another purpose. The anchor point on the lower right corner of the wall failed and it partially slid off of the decking. Nothing broke and no one was injured so getting back on track wasn’t difficult. It just required another person and cooperative effort. Like many other things in life.
I am debating whether or not to have the roofing trusses built or to do it myself. I have enough lumber. It is time and how I would raise them if I build them from 2X6s. The lumberyard will use 2X4s (lighter and easier to raise). They will likely have the trusses built before I will. The only real issue is how much value I place upon doing it myself and the intrinsic strength of the larger 2X6s I would use. It will be a gambrel roof and I like the challenge of laying it out myself. The lumberyard already has a purpose built jig to lay out theirs. I would have to do the layout and prototype one on the floor decking of the shed. It’s time, money and personal satisfaction.
Most people thought I was nuts to build my house too, no worries.
A positive outcome of this weekend is DIL asking me stop by more often to spend time with her, S and GD. I’ve been trying to give them space as they adjusted to their new living arrangement. Apparently I have been absent too much. I am glad this is working out.
There is still a little personal drama present; I doubt it will ever go away completely. There are occasional reminders that we used to be a couple and they have given me pause. For instance the other day I heard a coworker use the names other people referred to us as and my heart skipped for a moment. She wasn’t referring to us it was just what I heard outside of my office. It was like a smell will trigger a memory and take one back briefly. I expect X has these moments too. It is what it is.
I spent a few days last week contemplating if I feel ready to move on from this state. I have begun to interact more on a social level, mostly with co workers. These are people who I already have a business relationship with. A captive audience of sorts. Nothing onerous or annoying after all these are people I work with. Mostly I am just relaxing and letting down a barrier or two with more people than I normally do. In the past I have heard the comment that there is a work JS and a play JS. I’m trying to let play JS see the light of day more often if that makes any sense. I have no idea where this will lead I am just letting it play out. Trying to be a happier more upbeat person, less serious and focused.
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
Triggers will happen. They aren't fun but thankfully they get less painful over time. I'm not sure they will ever go away though.
I too used to have two different personalities. I thought being a serious and focused person made a good leader. It still does but it must also be balanced with a loving leader. It's been interesting to watch my life shift as I become more of a loving leader with serious moments.
Play with it a bit more... I think you will find out that you too will like the play JS more.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
At work and a friend of mine just asked “How’s it going”
My reply: “Sun is shining, sand is hot, the drink in my hand is cold, waves are lapping at the sand. There is the scent of coconut oil in air and the beach bar is playing reggae. It’s another day in paradise!”
Must be having flashbacks
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
The lumberyard will consume just about my entire construction budget for the trusses and the lead time to delivery is four weeks. I guess they have to wait for the trees to grow first. So I’ll be building the trusses. I’ve never laid out a Gambrel roof, but there are plenty of web references.
Buckminster Fuller said: “There is no such thing as a failed experiment, only experiments with unexpected outcomes” So what will I learn from building these trusses?
All is not sunshine and lollipops. I spent a little time feeling sorry for myself last weekend. After stewing in it and attempting to determine why I have come to the conclusion I need more work, more healing. I think I have not completely left behind co dependant tendencies.
The trigger was a feeling of abandonment. Most of last week was spent with DIL, GD, S and D, when they were available. DIL made a point of inviting me over each evening after work. At mid week she and S ask me to make a point of spending more time. S will get orders in about a year and probably leave the area in about 18 months. We made plans to have dinner Saturday evening.
Saturday evening came and went and I perceived my reaction as more intense than it should have been. I didn’t mention it to the kids. I didn’t create drama. I got over it and analyzed why.
As Val said triggers happen. This wasn’t about a failed relationship. This was about my reaction to this event and how to improve myself. Actually I am proud of how I handled myself particularly in light of X’s birthday Sunday. It is possible the kid’s time was consumed with her birthday, maybe not, it doesn’t matter. What matters is my level of disappointment Saturday.
Saturday night I went out, changing the scenery. I bypassed the bars and ended up in Wal-Mart of all places. I picked up a few needed items and amused myself in the frozen foods isle. How? It seems they have installed motion sensors that trigger the lights inside the cases as one approaches. Sometimes the simplest things amuse us.
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
One of my former BB buds (now a friend in real life) suggested I read Journey from Abandonment to Healing. It was a massive source of enlightenment to me, and kind of knocked me on my butt for awhile. You might be ready for the introspection as well.
Warning, keep Kleenex close by. I remember a lot of tears as I read....
For what it's worth, I spent a lot of time in IC dealing with this issue. It didn't truly get resolved until I finished the book and did some exercises and souls searching. I'm now at the point where I can abandon people and situations that aren't good for me, because I'm no longer afraid.
Good luck!
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
) 