Completely lost

[Raine]

Likewise Raine, forgiveness does not mean that the victimized party needs to care about the perpetrator. Again, to use the terrible example of a rape victim who does not know their assailant but forgives them - they do not form a care-based relationship with the rapist. It is, as you said, more about "washing their hands of it" or more accurately, moving forward and leaving the associated negativity behind. As such, I no longer have a care-based relationship with my STBXW. I am forgiving her for me, not for her - that does not mean saying that her actions were anything other than undeniably wrong.

Forgiveness is at the level you determine for you, but from what I read of what you said, it did not sound like forgiveness to me, by whatever definition you want to put to it. It does not sound like peace. It sounds like the negativity is there, not left behind. I would hope you would view your STBXW as more than the level of a rapist and there would be some compassion there.

So whether or not forgiveness is there on whatever level, eh, doesn't change what I felt about what you said. It was passive aggressive. You sounded like you felt superiority to her. And no it did not sound like you cared about her. So sure you can say you forgive or not forgive or hold onto negative feelings towards her or not. It's all just a way to excuse and justify in my mind. I don't set the bare minimum bar for myself and feel justified in a definition and then stop when I reach it. It's about you being in a good place and being happy, and if you can do that feeling like a victimized party that has washed his hands of a rapist, then go for it.

But here is the thing. You don't get to judge how serious the trauma was to her that caused her to take whatever action she did. This works both ways. Something was wrong there. And doesn't matter if you disagree, just as you and Bond disagree. To her, something was wrong. To her, she could feel even more victimized and traumatized than you do. You don't get to judge that. I don't think you realize that what you experienced as a victim very likely parallels what she experienced too.

Because take a good look at what you're saying. You are acting like your wife premeditated and intended to hurt you, like a psychopath. And you have every right to think what you may, but that means so does she. Maybe to her you are the psychopath and she had to do whatever she could to get away.

Why is it we think that we can compare and contrast sin and wrong and somehow that makes us perfect? "If he has sinned at a much worse level than I did, then I am justified." Sin is sin. And no one is perfect. Are you really going to be the first to cast a stone?

So yes you can justify that you have forgiven based on the definition. But what I would then ask is, have you done everything you can? Have you done enough to not look back and have regrets about how you handled one of the most difficult times of your life? Did you do everything you could to not hurt others, as you now know what it feels like to be incredible hurt. Did you make amends for your wrongs? Did you come out of this a stronger, better person? And you don't need to justify it to me or anyone. Justify it to yourself and continue to ask, "But could I have done more? Is there still more I can do? What kind of person will this make me going forward? Do I like that person? What should I change?"