My last thread got pretty log, so i thought I would start another. It ended on a very defensive note. I felt like I was receiving a lot of unwarranted criticism. Specifically, there was an impression by multiple people that I lack compassion, and am bitter. That is not how I view myself.
I am struggling. I have never dealt with anything like this before. I don't know how I am supposed to deal with these situations "Compassionately". Last night was awful. Here is the text exchange my W and i had while I was at work:
Me: I was thinking about getting back into swing dancing. there is a dance on 9/21. I assume you are not interested in going. Do I need to get a sitter?
Her: I don't want to go and don't know about a sitter. Besides, I thought you didn't have any extra money and you were broke. Why don't you help pay for some of your kids activities that I can't pay for instead? Dance class begins Thursday, D6 wants to do gymnastics. I haven't worked enough tiger's games this year to pay for all of D12's gymnastics, Cheerleading still has charges. I'm drowning in debt and can't afford everything on my own. Maybe you should think of your kids instead of dance class. Or maybe you can tell them they can't do these things because what you want is more important.
Me: The dance is $12. I am paying more than my share of the bills. I will get a sitter.
Her: And I will let you tell the girls they can't do things. Can't wait for the divorce papers to say that you have to pay half of their stuff and have it backdated to the beginning of the year. That will be a nice check!
I would like to have a family meeting to explain all of this to the girls tonight.
Me: I have no desire to include the girls. If you want to sit down with a neutral 3rd party to go through our monthly bills, I am willing to do this.
Until we do this, I won't be paying any additional bills.
Her: We need to have a meeting tonight to discuss what they will and won't be doing this year.
Thats fine, but we need to talk to the girls.
Me: You and I can discuss without the girls.
Her: No, I want them present. You seem to include them on everything else.
Me: You have plenty of money to pay these bills. Please do not threaten my reputation with my kids in order to extort money from me.
Her: We will have the conversation tonight.
Me: Just to be clear, I will not participate in a discussion with the kids.
Her: We will do whether you talk or not. And when you don't talk, I will say its because you are embarrassed by your actions.
Me: I will not be present.
Her: You will because you have a soccer game tonight.
Me: That is not an appropriate setting to discuss. Please talk to someone about the wisdom of this before causing a scene at their soccer game.
Her: You leave me no choice.
Me: I have to get back to work. Please talk to someone. Again, if you want me to pay more bills, then we need to sit down with a 3rd party.
Her: I've already told you I would. You never arranged it and I will have the conversation tonight.
Me: You were not willing to provide an itemized list of the bills you are paying. When you provide the list, I will setup a meeting.
Her: Whatever.
When I came home, she called the kids downstairs for a "Family meeting". I re-iterated that the kids had no place in this discussion. She ignored me and continued to call them. I said that I would not participate and left early for the soccer game. MIL brought the kids to the game. W never showed up.
After the game, I ran D14 around on some errands and got home around 9:30. I went to my room. My W followed me to my room, and stood in the doorway. She called the kids again. I tried to leave, but she blocked the door and informed me that if I pushed past her, she would call the police and charge me with abuse.
Then she told the kids that they would not be doing any activities this year, because I wasn't willing to pay for them. I don't remember the exact words, but it was basically, "If your dad loved you, he would pay these bills". All I could say is that this isn't true, that I love them, and for them to get ready for bed.
I then shut the bedroom door and we argued for another 30 minutes. My home is a dysfunctional mess. I think it is time to move out.
So what am I supposed to do in this situation that would show "Compassion"?
Note1: This is an honest question, not sarcasm.
Note2: My W has plenty of money. She can afford these activities. She just doesn't want to. She wants to save her money. I pay all the household bills (rent, insurance, utilities, taxes, home equity loan) %100. she is living in the home bill free and works full time.
Note3: On Saturday, she paid $400? for UofM/Notre Dame tickets to take some guy out for the evening. This just adds more insult to the conversation.
