So now I'm debating internally. I told W I would sign divorce, but I'm more convinced than ever that she doesn't really want it... She's extremely conflicted. She told me tonight that it can take up to three months to schedule a hearing, and that you can cancel it at any time, and lots of people did that. That, of course, drives me crazy. It could just be guilt because she has admitted that she knows she's not doing the right thing, so maybe by saying something "nice" it helps alleviate it.
What I do know is that I can't even have casual conversations with her; not even for my step-kids. I keep thinking that "going dark" will close doors, but it really is time for an LRT.
This has been the most up and down day. W talks about us going to church together, then says she wants divorce, then tells me that there is no rush on divorce, etc.
This has been the most up and down WEEK in this saga going back to early June.
It struck me today that I had slowly been working my way toward confidence, manliness, being kind but strong - and when W came on this past Monday and was all gushing love, I fell apart, and got back into some of the begging and bugging.
So, I like to review. Lesson 1, I stayed very dim, and it drew W in immensely. I became very bright, and pushed her away. Lesson learned, and a 2x4 to myself for ignoring that most basic principle
I'm going back starting tomorrow to the very dim - completely dark unless I have to talk to W about the divorce paperwork, but I can stall that awhile too.
I did tell W tonight I would do no more talking about divorce or relationships unless it was in person. She is a texting fiend, and I just won't do it anymore. We aren't 13. Also, she uses it to hide behind because she knows she's doing wrong, and doesn't like to look me in the eye.
I even asked a couple of friends to keep me accountable - I have two friends that I talk to; in keeping with the rules here of not going to family and friends.
I also have a few friends who really put this in perspective and help me keep a confident mindset that I have a lot going for me and am not dependent on her for my identity. One friend in particular is realistic in terms of understanding how even though this other person screwed me over and possibly cheated, I still miss her and care about her. I feel I trust his opinion more than most since he knows what it's like and how conflicted you feel. His attitude is that he doesn't give me [censored] for still caring about her, she will probably come back to me eventually, and it's up to me whether I want to be with her or go on to someone else.
I think anything you can do to keep your mind off the marriage/divorce (as long as it's not destructive) is a good thing. Nothing is better than good friends.
T 10 years, M 4 years, both 28 years old 7/3/2013 - W wanted D, we attempted to reconcile 7/20/2013 - discovered W's EA, attempted to reconcile 8/24/2013 - W told me she wanted D, filed papers
I also agree with the other advice that she may throw a few good vibes your way, and you shouldn't bite until she really throws herself into it.
T 10 years, M 4 years, both 28 years old 7/3/2013 - W wanted D, we attempted to reconcile 7/20/2013 - discovered W's EA, attempted to reconcile 8/24/2013 - W told me she wanted D, filed papers
Labug: I do a lot of mindreading/wondering. I admit it, I know. I practice every day, and I'm getting a lot better at it.
I have to say I'd almost rather have W hate me than this wishy-washy vagueness. She says she's confused, and doesn't know what's going on, so the good thing is I've almost completely detached at this point.
Also I'm completely backed off of any relationship talk. I went over to the place where W is staying last night to watch football (She'll be moved out in about two weeks). W texted me about using up all of our minutes (we're on a shared plan). I had set up an IP phone on my computer, so minutes should be fine.
Spur of the moment, I decided to go tuck the step-kids in. D10 wrapped all four limbs around me and cried and wouldn't let me go while S5 climbed on my back; love those darned kids. W just laughed at them. I tucked them in, and sang S5 a song, and it was great. They went to sleep, but I even told W after the game I was gonna come give them a kiss goodbye, and she said, "OK, come on up, but hurry, I have to get up early."
I know that's not going dark, but I'm ok breaking the rule to see my kiddos. I didn't really even look at W either, and I responded with one sentence answers to her requests about the cell phone bill, etc.
So at this point, I basically told W last week that I was confused, and didn't know what the heck she wanted, so I was just going to expect updated divorce paperwork, and go from there. So that's my plan! Detached and ready to go!
I have to say I feel sorry for the hosts she's staying with. They basically have the entire family at their house and your laundry is being aired right in front of them.
If your W is moving out soon, I'd give the hosts some courtesy and stay away until she is moved out.
If you really need to see the kids, I'd ask if you could pick them up for an hour and take them out for an ice cream or something fun.
Me: 43 W: 37 Together: 18 M: 15 D: 8 yrs old ILYBNILWY: March 2011 She Filed for D: August 2011 She moved out: Sept 1, 2011 Reconciled: May 2012 Divorce Case dropped: July 2012
Oh, I have only been over there this one time - I've very much kept my distance. I've talked to the W who lives there a bit because she cares very much for my W, but it's maybe once a week. I don't air any dirty laundry out. They are very much ready for her to move though - they said she just sleeps all day, while the W of the house feels like she has to play with my kids because they get nothing from my W.
And, actually the H there specifically invited me, and thanked me for coming and not letting W keep me away.
