Sorry about the confusion. I am now staying on this thread because it's getting more traffic.
So, yes, last October, I came home one day, earlier than expected. H sleeps days, works nights, so I would often check his phone during the day, when it went off, to see if it was work (important enough to wake him) or not important (let him sleep). That day I found a text from an ex high school GF that said, “Da** it. Good thing I didn’t come over there.”
I came home early from a run that day so my guess is that he invited her over or they, at the very least, pretended and flirted about her coming over. He told me, and still tells me, that it was nothing. He doesn’t get the whole EA thing at all. Claims they were just friends, etc.
So, I confronted the girl. We texted over a 2-3 day period, in which she claimed nothing had happened. When I told her that phone records showed 2000+ texts over a 2 week period, she kept apologizing and saying that she wanted me and my H to leave her out of it. That she was going through a divorce herself and that she wanted my H to stop contacting her. He claims that she won’t text or call him anymore. BUT, who knows if he’s lying. He probably is. Seems that’s the way these things go.
On the second phone, looking back, there hasn’t been a time when I’ve asked to see a message that he hasn’t shown me. It’s usually work buddies. Sometimes, he just voluntarily says, “hey, look at what so and so sent me”…But, he deletes all messages right away so there’s nothing stored on his second phone, and it’s locked. Also, if cheating spouses are smart, “she” could be saved under a guy’s name.
My question to him is that if there’s nothing to hide then why the second phone and why is it locked? He says it’s just to spite me because he’s tired of how nosey I am. (Which, by the way, I haven’t been in a long, long, long time…even before I started DBing, I'd stopped the snooping)
“I think your proximity to this situation and the treatment you are getting has you looking at this backwards. It's not okay for your H to have a second cell phone that he hides from you, it's not okay for him to be investing intimacy with third parties and nothing with you. You are not doing wrong by challenging that behavior.”
I can see this. You’re right…but how do I set boundaries without just completely ticking him off? Does it matter if he gets ticked off? When we talk about that kind of stuff he tells me I’m just being the “old” me and that nothing ever changes. Sometimes, we can calmly discuss this stuff, but most times, he just gets really defensive and angry.
“The best prescription (if this were possible), would be to say "have fun with that", turn your back on it completely, and then be a confident, attractive, happy person!”
I know this is what I should be doing…and have been about 75% of the time. The rest of the time, I’m so hurt and mad that I can’t focus on anything else.
The thing is, he probably is having an EA…but I have no actual proof of that. So, do I just live as if he’s not, and carry on as if he isn’t cheating until/if the EA comes to light?
We talked about this tonight. He said that he was not having any affairs, that it wasn’t part of “his deal” and that he remembers his vows, despite our problems. But, when I reminded him that EA’s are affairs, too, he rolled his eyes and he knows this and he’s not having “any” affairs and to stop bringing up the ex GF.
“If you start acting differently, and do things they don't predict, it shakes their foundation and makes them feel like they're no longer in control of the situation, and once again that makes them think and reconsider sooner than they would otherwise.”
I do feel like a lot of it right now is about CONTROL. He keeps another phone, won’t wear his ring, etc. because he tells me he’s tired of me telling him what do to. I do need to do something to help him see that I won’t always be around if he’s going to continue to treat me like that, but, I've mentioned before that I struggle with the balance of it because he's still at home. He's still acting married in a lot of ways. We have really good days and then, really bad ones.
Just today I was thinking about how I am tired of not feeling “good enough”…I’m a good mom, I’m good at my job, I have family and friends who love me…and yet, this one man, this one person makes me feel like nothing sometimes.
Although, tonight he said that he does see me trying to change and that I’m a good wife. I just want to bang my head on the wall with all the mood swings coming out of him!
Anyway, today was another rollercoaster ride so my emotions are all over the place. Luckily, I held it all inside until H went to work so we had a pretty good evening before he left.
After he left, I went outside, sat on the porch steps...had a good cry and then, talked to God for a bit.
He sent me a joke text with a picture that said, “I just can’t be friends with sensitive @$$ people because I joke around too much.” He sent it with a smiley and a note that he feels this way with me sometimes. That he’s trying to be funny or joke and I take it seriously and get upset, when he’s just messing around. He asked me to stop “over thinking” everything.
That’s a huge part of my problem…I want answers and I want everything fixed *now* and that just isn’t going to happen. Trying to be patient and just enjoy the day to day. Anyway, I’m tired and stressed. I skipped my workout this evening…and it’s too late to do it now…so I need to get some sleep.
THANK YOU for your insight and good suggestions! I truly appreciate it.
