Me- LBS or WAS?

[littleGTO]

Oh, then Saturday I see cute guy and his son out playing together and got the opportunity to talk to him briefly and play with his son for a few minutes.

His S3 invited me in for lunch!!! Cute guy didn't hear as he was far away, but that would have been interesting!!

Anyway, Sat night S10 had a b-day party at a lasertag place. H & both went both drove separately. We talked while boys played games (I would normally have played at least 1 game but was in a very grumpy place).

H & I talked fairly "normally" & even talked about our sitch and how different people are confused why we haven't "moved forward/divorces" yet. We agreed it wasn't black & white like some people might think.

In talking with him I can't help but realize how differently he is to me. I know I am not in the majority here to say this, but I don't see him and wish for us to R anymore. At least not the person he has transformed into. I don't long for him to want me back either. I look at him for who he is now. I look at him like somewhere there once was in him a man I loved so deeply I would do anything to get him back. I see his faults. I see his betrayal. I see a "broken" man.

But, I am not innocent either. I don't claim to be- never have. I am equally at fault for our M to be where it is. And, ultimately I may be the one to walk away.

A friend said something that stuck with me today...he said, "If you don't do anything different, then nothing will change...and things could go on indefinitely like they are."

That scared me, because I could see how I might become "content" with my H continuing to come to the house to see the boys at will, hanging out here at random given times, offering no hope or emotional anything (except to show increasing concern about WHO I am going out with and WHO I am texting).

Thus leaving me "stuck" for a very long time wanting more and more the connection that has been gone for so long.

I feel myself being pulled in a direction that allows me to find a connection... cute guy, thinking about dating, thinking about D. It's scary, but I feel the pull stronger and stronger.

I so pray for strength and guidance!